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More stuff about dealing with women

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Feb 24, 2021 9:51 am

Another long blog; What Im learning; The stuff I would have learned with my father in safe spaces; I have to learn on my own; And that is the problem and the grievance and the pain, Im working with God to get used to the fact my father is not here and will not be here to help; and that almost kills me…. My hope of that. And the safe places and spaces concerning learning bout women.. Ill have to trust God; but I am moving forward with all of this. its just that Im trying to learn with out any involvement with women because Im not stupid enough to get involved where I would get hurt. Im trying to learn; practice run. Ive taken out plenty of women to coffee; but non that I liked. The women I talk about in this blog are women I was in love with or potential girlfriends I chickened out of being with.
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I do chicken out.
One women I was interested in; I got her phone number but never sat down with her to tell her I was interested in her more then friends; so Im not perfect. I fact; that is way way over my head; I really is. I dont like to admit it but its way way way over my head I mean; Id have to have a couple of years hanging with the guys and growing a bit to get to that point. Ive got non of that; growing with anyone. I dont trust anyone; so I have to work on this stuff the best I can with Gods help; but things are starting to appear; all of the talking in the meetings and the latest writing of blogs and the commenting and posting in FB groups; its all helping; all of it; to bring me to the next level of reality; to bring me back to reality. and its working; but I have to rely on God for the next round.

Women are always brought up in my blogs and always will be; nothing hits home more than the dysfunction created by my trauma when interacting with women.
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Im always playing safe instead to protect and end up living like a reject.
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Im starting to get it; Im scared. I don't want to get hurt.
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When it comes to women
Either I find the right kind of women
I talk to the women I already know
I take a chance with the women I already now by telling them the truth.
I have to get in touch with the truth so Im not afraid of telling them the truth.
I have to ask them out
I cant keep taking their inventory to make sure their safe; they always flunk; I might as well just buy a porn channel because if I expect to be right; I'll never be happy....
Happiness over being right,. But I want to be safe.
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Work with God on how I see women; O My; This is a big can a shark shreds... shredded shark please with your coral diet...
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Looking at my role in it. Im convinced that at some point after looking at my role in things; I'll give a women a chance and I'll open up to her and tell her whats going on and try it for 90 days.
Work with God on visualization. I have to work things out; I cut things off before I get committed to things. I have to work on this fear; I wanted women to mother me so I would not have to go through this. But God stopped all that. I think God stopped it because those women wanting to mother me would also like to mother someone better then me; if someone better than me came along to mother. A more attractive deal. So; I'll move on. And they proved me right every time; I was of interest but not that much interest that they couldn't find the same thing in someone better…. But God sent them? did they go to another man because he was better or because they had felt they lost me and gave up? How do I find out; or do I not find out and move on; or is it my problem for not responding to them immediately.
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Either way; I have to work on all this stuff.
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I have asked out women who I thought were safe; but they had men in their lives already and I noticed at the end of the conversations; they were stuck on themselves and treated me inferior; but I did it because God wanted me to.... He didn't use words; just a feeling that that was the right time for me...
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I have allot of work to work through. Im a half human being cut off from themselves and Im trying to bring the other half together and work through things. I need safe people for this.
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I feel like I want to date allot of women first.
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As for the women of the past; I can learn from them but I don't think I will ever think they are safe enough to associated let alone date. They don't care; they might notice I don't like them or want to date them; I don't feel safe around them and don't want them near Me; they don't really care; they just move on to someone else.. They never question their own behavior when it comes to men; They could care less; they just go back to their men in waiting and pick the next one. It doesn't matter to them.
If I was their only bet; they would treat me with respect and something would happen; something positive. But if they are not going by their personality; they are going by their looks or body; what they can attract; they will act half way marginal with me. they might try to act nice; but its an act; and sooner or later; the act falls through and if Im still not bitting; they end up with another man; they wont waist their time on me... They might try to say HI one more time; if I ignore them; they finally will leave and end up with another man. But in reality; they don't really care about me; they only care about what there going to get. Sure; they come up to me with sad eyes or some other nonsense but then I realize Im just being played by a hustler. Sad for me is who its sad for; not them. ITs sad for them because God put me and her together but they really dont honer their own inner selves or souls or hearts... They opportunize on their own soul; sickening and pure evil; They eat their own souls to shut them up; shut their inner child up from screaming because their inner child is being suffocated to death by them. They want that inner child shut up; no voice; so they can go after that sexeir guy with the bigger sausage factory and bigger car and richer family and Ivy league everything. Status becomes the name of the game.. And those type of people do not interest me. Its hard when those kind of women liked me. Im getting old now so; Ya know; its kind a past tense...
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Whats my role in it.
Thats what these blogs are about; and I find I dissociate and talk about everything else. Im getting better.
Im scared terrorized from facing the life I would have been involved in when younger; My whole life is a dissociation from that life; Going out with women brings that life back in front of me and I cant just flip a switch and be back in it. But Im trying; Im doing the work God wants me to do and I think its working.
The more I write and work on getting honest; the more that hidden world inside the Childs mind; the more it starts to appear; and I think at some point Ill wake up in it more n more and thats the realm of my strength where I will date. Right now its depersonalization. It like Im watching a TV movie of my life; but Im not in it; its separated from me. but the good news is; Im kind of close and Im watching what will happen in the future and Im calling the shots on some of it; all of it; but its acted out by someone else. So; thats much better then it used to be.
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Women;
So; God was re examining information of women of the past that have liked me and having me examine it. and the question was asked by God; " OMNICELL" " look at the women behavior toward you will you were around her; look how she interacted with you; what did she do wrong?"; of course I was all for taking her inventory for she is an evil creature. So I looked at one of the womens behavior; looking back at it.
1. She smiles at me; I smile at her.
2. after weeks I start talking to her
3. I never allow myself to get closer
4. She move away from me
5. I dont like her attitude; its stuck up. I can tell; this is a turn off... She is smart; but so am I. Im not sure thats the kind of person I want to go out with; its to much for me. Im 2 sensitive and weak for that person; they could run me over because they dont care... I want someone nicer... Someone that is more understanding.
6. I want her.
7. I dont want her...
8. I have no other choices..... My mind does not function and I want only the women God has sent me and I decided at first glance God sent her to me... I was right.
9. How do I feel about what God has sent me? Im scared... Ill talk to God about it; Im afraid of being hurt.
10. Realistically; I dont want to be hurt. I see her coming to me and being nice to me and caring about me and working with me like a psych nurse.
11. I dont understand; she has finally stopped coming around me; Why is it my problem; I have legitimate problems.
12. Did I tell her about my problems; No; she should just know. And I didn't ask her out. So how could she come closer to me; I havent taken her out for coffee or anything;
13. Im scared to take her out for coffee; Why? Why did her last husband dump her. is she pathological?
14. Did God send her to me or not; Yes no!
15. She is spending time with other guys; allot of them.... She has forgotten about me.
16. OK; Ill give her a try.... that same day; months later; I realize she is with another guy exactly the day I was going to ask her out. How is this possible. Its not; she noticed from the start what I was like and what I was doing and coined it weakness and went behind my back and got hooked up with another guy exactly at the same time... And thats not the first women to do this. and wont be the last. the timing is so dead on that its only possible if she knew before hand and she did Im sure...
17. In a surprise move she comes up to me and screams at me and tries to get me to hug her to do anything to show Im interested but I cant move because of dissociative disorder. and I know shes with another guy. Down stares with her new boyfriend; she walks over to me and starts screaming at me blaming me for her having to choose the other guy because I did not respond to her. Im like.
" HOW EVIL". is this going to get and how arrogant to walk up to me with another guy in her arms in the first place. I stay silent freeze mode and say nothing...
That other guy liked her more then I did... I didnt care all that much about her because I was just learning how to interact again. And altho I appreciated her interest in coming up to me. The fact she already had a boy friend exactly the moment I was going to ask her out... She knew better; she knew the whole time. and that was heartbreaking. That is why I stayed silent around her; she acted ike she could do what ever she wanted around me; maybe the other Neanderthals but not me... As far as I knew; she was suppose to be with me; Gods orders; but she decided something else... When I saw that; I clammed up and that was that; it made me sick to watch that.
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The above scenario has played itself out over over n over with several different women that have liked me; they didnt get what they wanted on their own time line and when it was time for me to ask them out; they suddenly had a new man in their arms exactly at that time... almost like clock work.. In some case exactly at that moment I let my guard down to asks then out.
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Ive mentioned these things to different women; They all told me I can get better then this; I was just being played by these people.
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God has let me know; How was any of these women suppose to know I had any problems. Or how to work with me. The other issue was; I had never asked them out; do they owe me anything. Did they know I liked them; And here is the big question; They really dont know. I mean; sure they can look in my eyes and see I love them or want them; but thats not enough; I never asked them out. Do they owe me something; do I owe them something. Ive asked women about this; of course they tell me she owes me nothing; I never asked her out. Ive asked women online; they are like. I have to walk up and ask them out or they will have to walk over to me in a state of mercy dating; meaning; they feel sorry for me and will do the work for me to date them; And Ive had that happened several times.
In one case; I did ask the girl out; but she had children and they were doing something that day and I felt horrible and worthless and walked away defeated.
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Defeated;' that is my real state with dealing with women. I dont want anymore defeat from women and I dont want to deal with it. Thats not why Im walking up to them and thats not why God is having me walk up to them. They are playing games; I immediately look up to God and ask why? " Why is your daughter playing games with me; didnt you send her God?. " whats going on here"!~.
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OK; so; whats my role in all this
Hopefully I can some how keep to the question instead of dissociating off.
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Im crazy;
Im pathological and or delusional. the facts are presented to me but Im so triggered I think Im young dealing with my mother again and she is showing me away. And Im aware that the PTSD is so strong Im delusional and its controlling me. Im not here anymore. And this is the biggest problem because lets face it; who wants to date someone like that; who is crazy. I mean; how long is that going to last... So when a women pics another man instead of me regardless of the reason; I crumple up in defeat again. And I associate her with my defeat blaming her; I say; " sure; sure she has the right to be with anyone she wants; but Im not going to have anything to do with her ever again; not after the way she made me feel about myself she is dangerous to my mental health". And she probably is. And that is why I dont talk to them ever again.
So; I ask God; is she dangerous to my mental health; she went out with another guy God. God tells me " YES; if you asked her out and she went out on you?" I Neve asked her out but she knew I liked her. God " How do you know she knows you like her". Me; " just because Ive told myself she must I can size up all the information Im seeing and catalog it into patterns and ive come to the conclusion she knows". God; " did you tell her". Me; " Thats not important". God; " Yes it is". Me; " NO ITS NOT". GOD". "YES IT IS". Me; " NO ITS NOT". GOD " YES IT IS".
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And this is where Im stuck,. On one side; people are telling me to get out of their; red flags. I can do better then this. One the other side; " You never asked her out; she owes you nothing"....
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These are women I think God has sent me.
what am I afraid of; Im afraid they will be controlling if I go out with them and with some; they will find another guy thats better and I will be crushed.
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Have I talked to these women about this; No! What good would it do. Im to smart for that. But what ultimately happens is this strange feeling that Im not living in reality. But on the other hand I watch these women play this out and realize; I would have gotten used. Or; I wouldn't have gotten used. I cant tell.
As for the ones picking other guys. Did God send these women to me or not! Why would God send women like this. They were good lucking; really good looking; cover model; college cheerleader good looking. So; they are used to having a choice of men to choose form and they choose me first. but what does that mean.
It might mean I dont trust them; but what can I do about it. Am I suppose to talk to them about it first to relieve this lack of trust or possibly date them for 90 days to find out,. The last one found a boyfriend right in front of me and didnt care. I seriously can never go around her ever again; ever; as soon as I actually get close to being in the same building; I start to get ill. So; the reality is; that turned out or would have turned out to be a disaster; but wasn't she sent by God as a soulmate? Or did I have that wrong as well. She hit on me for months and id don't respond. Something about her I didn't trust. to hard an edge; something. it ws like; NO THANKS; Did I like her; yes I loved her unconditionally; but I didnt feel safe ever opening that up but she seemed to tell when she saw me...
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The point is; this is all concussing. I held back from these women to stay safe and stay safe I did but had no girlfriends.
And now I ask the questions; didnt I know other women. I dont seem to know very many women because_______? And their is another answer I will explore because that is also causing great harm. Why did I only know three women.
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The other problem; This stuff goes on for a year with one women. Why not just a few weeks. Is their a way of spinning this faster to find out if she is someone I trust and want to go out with. I take this stuff to God. But ultimately I cant understand why God would send these women to me. Maybe he didn't. Maybe Im fantasizing it in my imagination and applying it to these women who actually do like me but are not the soulmates God sent... The soulmate in my mind and nervous system and soul and the women out in front of me are 2 different things... Is that correct; I don't know...
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I'll take it back to God. I just want to be safe...
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I don't want to deal with more women like this; I just don't... I don't get it... I dont want to deal with this.. I dont understand why God sent these kind of people to me.
One explanation is; God is trying to tell me to go to better places to meet people; And that is a big lesson Ive just learned.
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The point to all of this is; The women Ive mention may be hags or bad or not nice people; but my question is; whats normal when dating; to find out all of this information; whats normal for me. I guess I would like to talk to them up front; but I was not conferrable with them; I did not consider them safe; is that my problem or theirs. Its the problem; I need to be with different women where I feel safe and non of this will be a problem; possibly I have to learn that I have to move up the food chain to better quality women. But did god send these women and did they do something wrong. Is it their fault they are attractive to the opposite sex; where they suppose to be with me. Would things have been different. I feel like I was being pulled into hell. No thanks. God will have to do better next time...
In all reality; They waited; these girls waited along time for me to respond to me without dating anyone else. I mean; they proved themselves... but did they; some how I dont think so; they were still sharks. And maybe that was the problem. I could feel their lack of souls..... Then God didnt send them to me? they were sent by Satan to distract me.....
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The most important question for me is; What was I suppose to do; want is normal. Do I first ask them out and then take them to coffee and ask these questions or observe them when Im around them to see how they act. Either women would have acted fine with me for the first several months. but after that; I dont know. Is that the right way.
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A friend told me. Date them for 3 months and see what happens; Is that the right thing to do?
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I have bad thoughts in my head when it comes to dating women... it matters not what direction I go; Im seeing that I dont feel good enough to be around the right kind of women; so; Ill work with God on that; I dont want to give up my freedom to become someone Im not. be a fake.. that wont work either. Ill have to work on that. What kind of a man I have to be to have the kind of women I want. thats a good question; I might have to clean up my act...
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So confusing; all of this... frustrating... I just want to feel free and safe...
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Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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Comments

Re: More stuff about dealing with women

Permanent Linkby Snaga on Wed Feb 24, 2021 11:14 pm

I went dateless. Stayed safe. Until I was tired of staying safe. Until I was willing to be rejected. Until I was willing to kiss a frog or two. There is no gain, without some risk. That works both ways- the other person has to risk being hurt, also. For some people, it's easier, than for those of us who retreat into ourselves. But you never know if someone is interested, until you let them know you're interested in them.

Also, at our ages, the 'perfect' person is unlikely to exist. At our age (I'm about the same age as you) we all have baggage. We all have pasts. We all have issues. No one is perfect. And that has to be something you're willing to live with- being with an imperfect person.
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