I dont trust women that like me; So; what then am I do to? Go out with women that dont like me; but they wont go out with me; they dont like me. I guess Ill have to turn into a cat lady at this point. I mean; Ive worked my way into a corner I cant get out of...
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Getting physical with women.. First; starting in my imagination. The open stance of flirting with women and touching and hugging and kissing and playing... And their it is; this needs more attention and work then many areas... The ability to be physical was controlled by the psychopaths ... so; this is a major area of concern. Ill be working on visualization of this; This is a mover concern of honesty; hard to get honest about this. But if I dont ill stay controlled by the past.
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So; visualization of my first love so I can get restored.. and physical visualization around women so I can get physically restored...
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And allot of this is about Agoraphobia and CPSTD. iTs about looking at the outside world other than a war zone where I must hide...
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The work is up to me... and getting God to get me the support and direction I need. This will be on going to the day I die; thats all this will be about...
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The problem with my first love was not from my first love; its showing up parallel to my first love; its coming from her. And thats what scares me and scared me. I ended up wanting several other women at the time... and wanting to be with several other women at the time; why? Alters? DID; maybe! But what about my first love; why wouldn't I be with her; why would I off shoot to these other women and bury my first love as if she didnt exist.. I buried her within me because she didnt love me.. or want me... not really; I wasn't her first choice. I was her last choice... thats why? is that correct; NO! It feels like it; but it wasn't. Im talking about my mother and father and God... All that had happened to me up to age 14; the way I was brutally thrown away....
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The first girl I loved should have been my first priority women wise; who I dated; why wasn't she... She was; then; why didn't I date her. And why did I go off and want someone else who didnt want me... why would I have even gone off in that direction. FIRst; I had no one to talk to... I had no one. God brought me my first love... I felt and acted like; she never really wanted me; if she knew who I really was; she would get rid of me and would realize I was not socially popular; I was nothing... but she never got rid of me. I got rid of her before she got rid of me... But she never gave any signs of getting rid of me. Nothing was wrong... She liked me....
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I dont trust women that like me.
The work is up to me. All that Im writing about and the recovery work is to get strong enough to face all of this;
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Imagine a child with a doll; They love that doll; its their doll; no one else is suppose to touch it.. They are learning about the connection they have with that doll. Its their doll; their connection; no one elses.
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So; the psychopaths see the child with the doll; they walk up take the doll; crush the doll in front of the child; They want control. they want the child in their control.. they dont want the child independent.
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Its that kind of thing Im trying to break out of; just like the child whose doll has been stolen and crush in front of them... The child turns to learned helplessness. doesn't fight back; no way to win... nothing to fight back to or with nor a plan... The child is learned helplessness; brainwashed into a trauma bond...
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So; that is me; trained out of life through intimidation and fear; Im working with God to become un trained by intimidation and fear...
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I have allot of work to do. In the area of personal relationship; that is an act of independence... having a relationship; acting out free. being touch responsive. I think for me it has to do with the right people; the right women to work with; decent women... Not deceptive manipulators or unfaithful people; The type of women God would bring me are safe; loyal, faithful, and of quality... I have to stay safe.. only safe people; no one else... God would have to bring them...
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Ill have to work with God on this; The work Im doing right now; A gap resides between where I was at 8 year old and anything beyond that... for anything beyond that is a blank... And that blank area I need help; so Ill reach out to God for development in that area.. What are the next steps for me...
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Im beginning to see answers to some questions; the moving forward; learning how to go from where Im at right now; moving forward onto other things. Moving forward; in fact; thats the answers to Art problems; I didnt know it; I cant start art from here; Im trapped where Im at; I have to move forward to the starting place; where would that be; I dont know.
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Im kind of stuck right now Im stuck in 12 step meeting system as I slowly learn how to break out from it. Its one step at a time. What does this mean; its kind of interesting. I broke out of a broken life into the 12 step recovery meetings system. and after being here for a great while; or just for a while; Im now used to it and having to break out of it; step out of it back to the real world again... Im now at that place... How will this be done; what will it look like; we will see. I will be given the direction from above.
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Im right in the middle of some kind of movement. But the problem is; movement too what.. Its like I want to go home. But their is no home. I mean that in all reality right now. Im not sure how or what God is going to do about this... My memories are what this is about I guess; getting all of them back; getting all of me back; remembering what it was like to be a human being and going from their; I assume thats what this is about; so I can be a Human being again.. I can remember where and what I came from and who I am. memories are blocked because when I lost my home; it was gone permanently; so was the school and the relatives and any family members; they broke the whole thing up then dismantled it and all was gone... so was my future and friends and experiences I wanted for the future and my way of life...
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Concerning my first love; I had no one to tell about it; about her; so I told my mother; I needed a mother to tell; to talk to; Instead I got a monster... that violates everything... pure monster and I was destroyed by it. and I could no longer go up to that girl I loved; I just could not go up their anymore; it no longer belonged to me... it had been violated. However, now; I I was back in those days; with the work ive done; I can go back up to her anyway and ........ And what? Im strong enough to go back up to her; But what about the rest of it; breaking through; tell her how I felt; telling her what was really going on; telling her how wanted her and to make her my girlfriend.. Could I do that. NO! I mean; Im strong enough; but wouldn't me present and the whole reason of doing all of this work is to move forward and accept that Im moving forward into a new future... and that means accepting the past is gone... So; Id need to be present when I told her how I felt that I was moving forward with her... I can feel it; Im not ready for that; I have allot of past stuff that I would have to accept was gone and not coming back and I cant do that; not yet; but at least I know the direction God is taking me. Ill keep doing the visualization work; its one step at a time.
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I see my feet moving forward; but to what. Ill keep practicing literally visualizing my feet crossing bridges; but to what. Im not ready to start meditation about a new soulmate..
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My first love and other women; Where I have problems...
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1. Here is a recent example of problems with women; not their problem; my problem. a few years back; I was ready to meet a new soulmate. I had done the work; I was led back to a 12 step meeting; to my surprise; a women was at the meeting; I gave her a hug; I knew her. She had wanted me before but I had rejected her advances.. I wanted her but I was messed up; Looking back at it; that moment in the car with the psychopath; that was dissociating and stopping me from functioning with her... That incident with the psychopath was from teenage years... But it was still controlling me...
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So; altho she wanted me; I could not move; I was in freeze mode. And she ended up with another guy.. and that was that....
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Several years later; Im working with the laws of attraction and I get the signs of someone new showing up; I end up at a meeting and look who it is; Im surprised. Its the women from the past who married another guy... it didnt work out for them.. later divorced; I saw her at a meeting. I walked in; gave her a hug. She was checking out this other guy at the table. I could feel it; this is after I sat down. I was mad; The universe set us up gather again. And who was this guy. When it was this girls turn to talk... she said she was single. but she said it to this other guy.
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I had been working with the universe; I told the universe; I want to be in a situation where a women that wants me; she gets up; walks around a table and comes and stands in front of me and just waits. I had all this worked out before I knew where I was going.
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This women got up from the table; walked around the table; came and stood right in front of me and just looked at... I put my head down. I wanted no part of it because she was also interested in this other guy; I wont be part of that. I simply wont under all situations; it makes me sick... God sent this person to me and she likes this other guy.
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BUT WAIT?
Lets look at this for a moment; This means; This women who had not seen me for 4 years; she was going with this other guy but I suddenly showed up; and altho for weeks she wanted this other guy; She did not go to him first; she came to me. And she never wanted her husband first; she wanted me? And that is what I have to work on; getting over what happened in the past so I can be present when this women wanted me.... And there it is; and their is the scary scary scary work for me to face...
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Im afraid that what I have to face is; No more father, no more mother,. no more house or home town or friends or street or future or anything; or relatives.. nothing; my whole future gone; and I buried the whole thing; I was to young to deal with it; I was 9 years old... and I have to slowly let God undo this...
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I feel sad about the women that liked me.. I dont get any of this; Im not sure why God is doing any off this if I was not ready; I wouldn't have ever been ready; all of this pain between me and others to get me ready to face this stuff. thats a bit sad is it not...
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At least I can see it wasn't about her... my God she tried twice to be with me; I rejected her twice. I had to be present; I wasn't.
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What would it have meant if I would have asker her out; She was standing in front of me; she chose me again; this is the second time; I could have asked her out; but I didnt; I let it pass. I did not like being on the other side of the stick where she had other guy choices; I wasn't getting involved in that... that scared me. But the reality was; she gave me the first shot at her... I showed up and she chose me... what would have happened if I had asked her out...
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What am I scared of.
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If I want a better women; or a different one; why dont I go after her.. OK; I can feel the feelings coming up; it has to do with the age Im at within myself. Im still the 7-9 year old going to the store buying plastic model kits..... The real me feeling safe thinking I have a future... a stable family,. Im being loved and taken care of... but that wont happen. All of this is winding into itself when it comes to relationships and getting back into relationships... I can feel it; lots of dissociation.
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What would have happened if I went out with that women... I feel like a fraud; and she would have found out ive got all kinds of other problems; I never trusted her... OK; what does it feel like to find someone I do trust...
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What would it look like if I did take a chance with her and trust her... I didnt want to; I felt she was sinister like the psychopaths... Do I ever feel anyone is ever anything else but like the psychopaths... I mean; was I right or wrong...
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What was I attracting...
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The last women who liked me; 15 months ago; she did the same thing; chose another man instead of me. later came back and I could have attempted to ask her out after they broke up; I decided to never associate with her again instead... I simply cannot see her as a healing component to my personal situation. I dont want someone like that's help... I dont want her help... I see her as another treacherous lech; nothing more.... Her behavior proves her out...
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I look back at the women who married someone else when I rejected her; she gave me another chance; is this really someone I want to get involved with... Is this someone that was nice and kind... I dont know....
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Im immature... Im 9 years old inside... What do I do now; work with God to get back on my feet as a nine year old. Im getting their. the problem is; Im not quit home yet. The people and places and things that are gone from my childhood. They are gone. Im not home yet; I dont recognize where Im at... Its not home yet; Ive not been able to deal with it... Im working with God to get back inline; get straitened out again... I was already strait...
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Im getting it. Im getting my memories back; I have to grieve more.. Im sure Ill get their.. Im blocked from dating those people; My nervous system wont allow it...
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Im being blocked... The 9 year old will only stay 9; wont move... wont deal with all of this. He still thinks hes living on C street... Wont move.... Im almost getting him to move forward. I think the women that have come into my life; they do not know about him or me or the real me or anything else. They only see what they want and what they expect me to be if im with them; they dont know about the deeper problems... And I never intended to allow them to see it in the first place.
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I want it to change... Im sick of this. thats why Im working on this. Ive had enough of it and the inner people within me now this... I'm sick of not having a life because of this..
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They; the inner me's are trying to get me the experiences to that I can get to the frequency to be aligned with my childhood and go from their... A big harsh gasp resides between where Im at and where I want to be... The gap. Ill start working on it with God..
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THE GAP:
Ill try to start analyzing it now; Im dissociative like crazy; right from the start...
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I dont trust women that like me? We will start their... next time...
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And as always; Ill be working on visualizing my first love... until that relationship becomes successful in my mind... re narrative of it.