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OMNICELL
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Consumer 6
 
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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A fear of getting laid; a horrible fear
   Thu Oct 10, 2019 6:44 pm
She thought I was crazy; and she wasn't alone
   Wed Oct 09, 2019 5:00 am
Signs of handling reality
   Mon Oct 07, 2019 9:20 am

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Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Sep 03, 2019 4:33 am

Im getting better; most of my work now concerning critical voice; all the techniques I can get my hands on to counter critical voice and flashbacks and doomsday imaginational constructs of fear; fear based construct; totally useless. Not interested; So; I have to learn how to control my mind; get out of my mind when hit with crucial voice.
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If my mind can clear; it goes further than before when attempting something successful . My mind can be more productive for longer. I have to continually work on the critical voice until I get stronger and able to get rid of it.. And I can feel it; feel how horrible my mind gets taken over. I feel like a 6 year old taken over; like a critical-voice-molester molesting me when I’m a child; its fear; I feel the fear. I have to continue work so I can work through it. thats my goal.
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I have an interest in making money and Im on social security disability; So; Im not sure how the universe is going to create this situation. Im interested in money; not working for bosses; thats a waist of my talents and interests.
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Ive never talked about work before because it was a ridiculous subject; I never wanted a job; I wanted a career; but my life was destroyed and I no longer cared about anything. Of course I must remember this was done by psychopaths.
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I had wanted this beautiful life and it was ruined…. So know; I have to take it back when I feel safe.
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Im not sure of my direction in life or where Im going or how to get their; Im not sure how to get their; what I need to know is where Im starting from and where Im going; and I don't know where Im going but I know where Im starting from; or Im attempting to get back to the starting line to start my life. I know where Im going; to the things and places and people of interest. So; I do know something about where Im going; but I have limiting beliefs that cause massive strong fortress like walls. I cannot bring those walls down on my own; but with help from my friends; yes; they can be broken through.
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I've lost all interest in anything dealing with this society. It's a joke. However, the problem is; My thoughts are not good concerning anything I love doing. In fact; Ive been violated to the point I wont do it anymore; anything. I cant move past these walls of anxiety associated with the rupturing of my personally and nervous system. It's hard to start over; the critical voice destroys me and brings up flashbacks. So; I have my work cut out for me.
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Im not happy about working with the universe; Im not sure why Im not getting the manifestations that are in my mind; they are not showing up. I don't understand any of this.
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Other areas;
sexual abuse and time period
being thrown away from my home when I was a kid; that time period; running through it
being neglected continuously before I was thrown away; I can see the effects starting after 3rd grade…. thats the beginning of it; it all starts before this; but that is the jump off point; more stuff to write about.
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Just went on an outing to someones house. Lots of people; I got to walk around on the forest path for awhile; deal with the local dear in the woods that live by the trail.
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I got to deal with more people; and play with more gadgets and art and clay and other things; making some beats.
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A women walked up and asked me if I was still doing coloring; drawing; said I was getting into it again; she was really happy for me; said she remember last year at that time when I was attempting to change and make drawings; that was a year ago…. that stunned me; thats called feed back. It's been a whole year. But something is different this time; Im much different. The things i wanted to change are changing; they are not changing because of my attempts at art; they are changing anyway. Im not so “ far out in left field”. like I used to be…. Im changing; the universe is changing me. .
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Social;
One area Ive been working with the universe is on social. I have a social contempt; Ive had all my life being thrown away; I wanted nothing to do with people; However, I could not succeed in life without meeting people. So; Im caught between 2 rocks.
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I told a friend to take me with him to this event. He did. And on the way home. I met a few young people at the party; they drove home with us and I had something in common with them. They were involved in music. So; I talked with him; I think thats the first conversation I've had since I've Been in this small town concerning something like music software. and Ive been here for 30 years. Ive not talked to anyone about anything; Ive been in my own dissociative psychotic loop; looping myself every 8 bars; over n over n over again; always adding the same style loops to the mix; never changing.
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Tonight my friend stopped by several peoples homes who were outside and had conversations. Had to endure. And finally he stopped by a house down an ally way with 2 women; one young the other older…. One from the local university and the other; Im not sure; of course I had to roll down my window and they all talked around me; finally I had to introduce myself to these 2 new people. It was very hard for me. I was excruciating; but I learned something ;
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If you ask the universe to help you; you will get help. I asked the universe. And I ended up meeting people in a way that I could never do for myself Im to embarrassed.
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If one wants to change; they need help; especially if you're me. I have this loathe’m self image of myself with rules of loathsomeness…. Meaning; I've got meaning behind my humiliation. but I don't half believe in it anymore but Im still trapped in it and its horribly uncomfortable to change.
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So; my worst fear; being around middle class intelligent people and I have to meet them as is face to face; I don't get to be any different or change. nothing. face to face; Horrible; wasn't that bad; but I was so bashful and scared and feeling unworthy. but I did it. I did it with the help of my friends. And some times in life; thats how It must be done. And it was don't to me this time.
Social is my big push; so is art; they both represent me coming out of my box. and those 2 areas seem to be getting forcibly pushed; the ability to interact in them. A force is making it happen.
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In fact; this is creating a system of how to live. I never wanted it this way ever; I just wanted to be some what wealthy with my own home and backyard and private life; not knowing anyone else; very covert an quiet in my own little world; no one having a clue who I am; but that has not happened; the worst of the worst has happened. And now I have to start over and trust the universe; God.
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I never wanted to meet people unless Im at my best or equal of worth or I would never want to meet people; but in this case; I would never meet anyone or get the ball rolling if I don't meet people outside the 12 step meeting systems. And I have to learn how to interact with others out side the meetings.
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I see that the day must be social; part of the day; meeting some new people; interacting with them; the kind of people I truly want to hang out with; it's going to be hard to meet them; to break out of this box; cant do it alone. And Ive been forced out of this box lately; several times….
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Meeting a musician in town; This is new for me. This could open up doors for performing.
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When I was in college I had a girlfriend for 3 years; the worst possible individual anyone could have ever gone out with because I was a deep sensitive artistic person; she was as as shallow as could possibly be.
I do not remember having sex with her at all; for three years; I had sex with her every day probably. I don't remember it. I don't remember having sex with her; all blanked out; everything; Just like 6th grade was completely blanked out as if it was a giant surgery; You go into the operating room; they give you anesthesia and you wake up in the. Recovery rooms…. You don't remember any of it; I don't remember any of it; I remember in 6th grade; the bully hitting on me the first day…. that I remember. Just like my senior year in high school; I went back to my home town; the first thing that happened was the bully hitting on me the first second I got on that campus; thats all I remember.
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Im starting to move out socially; move forward. and As I move forward I look back or the past is brought up and I can see exactly what I was coming from relative to what I hoped I would come from. The horror of it all. So horrible and deplorable; I was ruined and undeveloped and not wanted because I was better than all of them; I was a human being who demoralized and thrown away…. No hope, no help and no escape.
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It hurts to meet new people; to deal with anything close up; it hurts; causes damage; I can feel it; it causes damage to my mind. Its not good; but what is good is the ability to meet new people in the right places.
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So; my manifestations are coming true socially; I understand that I literally have to have people helping me meet new people; the right new people; I must be introduced; and man is it hard. I can hardly function. I freeze up…. but its happening..
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The kind of people Im meeting are nice people; And hopefully I can meet more. ITs been a long time. And I don't know who Im going to meet; I must keep working with the universe on meeting my kind of people. A higher level people.
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My social ability is disabled….
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Im as autistic as you can get without being autistic; I function as well as any autistic person in the real world; meaning; none functioning. When I can get to safe places and feel safe; or safe people; it starts to go down. What does safe people and places look like. Id have to be around the rich and rich safe places; really safe with people who are trained and are controlled Into helping me; almost being payed one might say or being payed to help me.
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So; that is what it's like for me. In sensitive safe places if with time; I can let down my walls and be myself; other then that; most of the time; non functioning in the real world. Nothing; I must have help to do the most basic things. I have been taken advantage of over and over by the world and its people; all lies from everywhere; nothing sacred anywhere; nothing. Well; thats not true; Ive had several women like me. The one that counted; I through that away; CPTSD…. I reverted back to a child state in the middle of that breakdown and could not tell the person how I felt because I felt horrible about myself because my mother had just destroyed me again as a psychopath; the sub human way I was treated told me I was dealing with a demonic in human monster and nothing had changed; I was being treated like a bug on a window shield; much worse; has bad as a monster can treat a decent human being. it was so sickening I had to leave the area; I felt this horribleness because i tried to turn to my mother for love and I was torn to pieces; nothing had changed; it was all a lie; moving back in with her and her new family on the coast.. And I was more than destroyed and dehumanized. I had nowhere to go; no family and no one cared. I was truly all alone in the world with nothing….
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And when I went up to talk to the girl I loved; I felt so heartbroken and horrible; I could not be around her again; I just could not because she reminded me of that place on the coast and felt I was not suppose to be their; the whole thing was demonic; I dissociated the whole experience out of my existence; meaning, all things dealing with that place; I dismissed including that girl; but I made a mistake concerning that girl. I have talked to God about it; so; I am Oke—- with God.. The girl survived; but I loved her and I was not suppose to pull the rug out on her; she trusted me with her innocence. And then I could not follow through; but I was a basket case and I could not tell her because my voice was shoved down my throat; I could communicate anymore; I had to leave the area and never talk to anyone ever again or have anything to do with that area because it was associated with that psychopath. I was affronted and wanted to go home; go back to my home town and my life; but they're was no more home or home town or life; no trace of anything. My life had been snuffed out. This monster was like the demonic monster of the exorcist; the demonized girl in the movie; its a carbon copy… truly. It caused me a break down; another one and I reverted back to a child like state and could not be social anymore; I became anti social for good.
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As a damaged person I could not function anymore; my mind was shoved backwards into deep recesses; deep into the lower parts of my brain; places I could not get at. I could no longer handle the outside world and I saw everything as the devil and the enemy. I could not function anymore in reality. And I left the area.
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Today; Im still the same person. Im damaged. I drank over this; and my drinking problem got worse until at the end it was showing signs of alcoholism. But then I had to stop for the dragon in the bottle had taken ahold of me and it was bigger than I was. I managed to recognize this and attempted several times to stop; Dam; I almost couldn’t…. I ended up in the nut house from several problem in the late 90’s and the rest is history.
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I cannot function on my own. I can go into detail about it and I probably will in other blogs; but I cant operate on my own. My mind had fantasies it was running on; the way I wanted things to be and imagined with no real world experiences of this nature; I had watch television and that is how I was brought up; on television. I made false friends in the area who were never my friends; they were just using me; I was 2 young to understand what was going on.
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So; I was always alone…
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I need help from others to do basic social things; Im much like an autistic person who needs help with social things. Im learning; things can happen for me if Im introduced to others and forced not to run away but to deal with things; but I cant do this on my own; others must be their helping to keep me in check at that moment because Im extremely shy, withdrawn and bashful…. I need others help now; However, this is do to dissociation of a constant nature; all the time. So; as I become put together again and whole again; patched together; what ever that means; I will be able to do things on my own; interact on my own; meet people on my own.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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