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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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More movements forward

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Feb 19, 2021 5:02 pm

Im running off memories; the memories are showing up more aligned and sharper as if they belong to me and not just a separate part of me. The child in me is becoming aligned with me. but its not complete or anything; Im still outside myself. But its happening slowly.
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Im slowly remembering who I am and where I came from and what I was doing.. Its weird remembering my best friends house; staying the night; remembering him. He was a liar; and I didnt know it; I was being fooled The Whole time; got to eat at his house all the time. Got to do all kinds of stuff as if I was part of the family; did not know I wasn't; but they did; the whole time; Every minute of it. All of it.
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Im starting to remember what I was like when young and feeling safe; way in the beginning. I'm beginning to remember when I was a nice person when I was young and wanting to do well in school and innocent. And happy and aligned and with a future. But I was bluntly brutalized out of existence as a human being; almost like a cigarette being put out in an ash tray.
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I remember; is it possible to become that person again; yes; I think so. I have to work through shame but its possible; I mean; we will see. Can I come back as mature self. Maybe; Im sure of it; just need more digging in and work.
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problems with women; a natural fear of getting close or touching. I felt it tonight. I can talk all I want about women; but if this natural fear continues; I wont be able to get close to them. I stop from taking any chance with them because I dont trust them; I will have to talk to God about this one for help.
Ill take it to God. I pray to be safe in the care of the universe. The universe is keeping me safe. The universe is bringing me only safe faithful quality women. Ill say these things over over over. And see who shows up; see what I turn into in order to attract such people. We will see.
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Bulling and other things I could not do...
Im going to make a list
I feel Im about 3 years off…; Im 8 or 9 years old; I mean; I remember being at my house as a child playing out in the front yard. Next thing I remember waking up from trauma; Im being destroyed in the 6th grade at another school on the coast from bulling; I dont remember any of the school year; my home is gone; I have no one that loves me; Im with this psychopath you would call a mother or guardian figure person; stranger. Im in her new house on the coast; no one cares about me or what happens to me. Nothing;. I am in a complete state of trauma; I will receive 0 grade point. They have to ship me back after 6 months to my home town. I have to live with someone else. Non functioning. But I have nothing in my home town; no one; no mother or father or neighborhood or reliable safe school with friends; nothing.
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Making a list of those things from the time Im a child at home to the next step and learning or trusting God on how to handle it. The problem is; I dissociate and Im not present during any of those times; actually I am; and Im terrorized to the point of shutting down into dissociation and then from the trauma Im not here anymore Im harmed and destroyed and damaged.
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So; a list of the harm that will hit me first; and then possibly God showing me how I would go back their hand handle all of this so I can process it and get through it.
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This is the adolescence period. One problem tho; My adolescence period actually extends into 30 years old. Im still showing signs of being bulled at 30. No growth from 10 to thirty; and I think thats extremely important to bring up because of the embarrassment involved.
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5th grade.
General fear of my mother; I want her to stay away....
parents getting a divorce
Im asked which parent I want to go with.
I say I want to go with my father in the divorce; not the psychopath.
Loss of my relatives and how to deal with it.
Loss of pets when young and how to deal with it.
Being to alone to build and develop self. No father around. No one around.
No brothers around...
Lots of Tv world; not much else...
............
5th grade.
A drunk coming through the door into my nice middle class house; Im in shock. My father would have never let someone like that into our lives. No one cares about me anymore... Im in a state of shock and I know its the end of my life on C street... Everything is coming to an end.
I look out the window of my house; and know its all over; no more mother and no more father; I now know what they both are... Im alone. And no more house. No more anything. future is gone.
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bullied in the 6th grade
drums taken by my mother at the coast house; given to my brother; no permission; just takes my stuff and gives it to someone else; and these are things that help me develop talents. So; Im getting trained that someone can take anything they want from me and I cant fight back. I have to go passive to survive and that the people around me are not people; they are animals. and I cant do anything about them... or fight back; or have a clue how politically speaking; im trapped. No father around. No hope of escape. I have no one.
Bullies at that grade school. This is very bad. The fear and trauma. Im not expecting it.. Its hitting me just like bombs being dropped on the guys from WW1.
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coming back to my home town without my mother; alone. Ill now live with my Grand parents and Im under the idea they love me. Im scared and confused being dragged from one family system to another. What or how is this possible that I would be living with these people and why? This is horrible. Theirs no reason for this; why am I being dragged through this. What am I doing at these peoples house for. and this will be something to talk about or write about. this is extremely bad; bad for me; grippingly; rippingly; humiliatingly. It means the beginning of the end. Im not with a parent; its the same as foster parents and the state or teachers have demanded it. because they have to do something because Im not functioning in their school.
So; Im being dumped again completely; gotten rid of... to my Grand parents
At my grand parents; they turn out to be monsters; they are the ones who created my mother. And a vast amount of horrible offenses will occur here... separate page.
Going back to six grade in home town. Im bullied by teachers and they are waisting my education and time and principle will bully me. Why; I have no father and they know it... Only a Grandmother. and they know it... no protection.. and they know it.. I see through them. Im turned into the school black sheep because they can get away with it. bulling kids...
Im hacked twice by 6th grade teacher. I cant do much about it. bogus reasons; Im made into the bad person in the school. What I know about narcissist sociopaths; they are doing this because I know what they are doing. So; they are smearing my name in the school because I know what they are... smear campaign. but; I'll be out of their in 3 months; so Im not worried but still. and this will be a problem the next year in th grade. I do not remember summer time after this year.
bullied by kids at my grandmothers house; around my grandmothers house. Im in shock; that Im their; this is an outrage. where are my parents; what is going on here. Im in traumatic shock and Im not being treated like an intelligent person. I'm not being developed. ridiculous; Im having to bury who I am to survive.
outside kids bulling me; bad psychopaths in the areas
Im trying to make friends; I'm mentally ill.... Im not hanging around every nice people; non of them...
Im involved in bikes and my brother has motor cycles but nothing for my intellect; school is completely neglected. Im in a complete state of traumatic shock and disbelief and horror and pain from being thrown away. And now I will start to be sexually harass and controlled; my behavior; bullied.
Grand mother is no better than grand father; it's all a fake act... evil people. both.. pure evil.
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7th grade; I'm being bulled right from the start by the town bully in school; stress level in school is way to high; cant function because of bulling and everything else. no help; no idea where to get help. nothing. disgusted by the situation; no one to tell; Im all alone and have no one. and I'm being bullied to death.
Teachers have thrown me away; I don't even exist.. nothing. Im on the outside of everything.
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My best friend is not my friend anymore... His family doesn't care about me and Im aware of it. He does hang out with me a little bit but never asked me any questions about my life. About who I am or what happened to me; its like Im a alien hes never met. Im ostracized and or prejudice.
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drugs
being scared of being bullied... fear terror; no one to protect me.
Schooling gone. nothing; no interest because I have to survive. no one on my side. all fakes all fake facades....
No best friend anymore; nothing; fair weathered friend. Im completely in shock. And this will hurt. deeply; Im in shock and don't know what to do about this level of depth...
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back to being thrown away and in the hands of bullies and sexual deviants; foster care...
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dead school; 7th 8th grade
being in a play; they take all my money. They don't let me go to the party at the play and sexual abused. I worked for that. that was mine. angry.
calling that girl at night; resentment. entitlement. anger.
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my mother not wanting me; and I dont understand why she doesn't want to be around me or my brothers; I dont understand. my mother and father abandoning me. I dont understand why Im not loved by these people; why are they allowing me outside them and their house. why am I not living with them; what are they doing; what is this. a kind of fear.... terror loathing hatred. death... death level...
moving back to coast; b because Im being sexually abused and bulling. a new start; but its with my mother so It wont be a new start.
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a kind of resentment they want; a kind of hatred they are trying to create; sadistic hatred...
and its not dealt with and its still here.
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being completely abandon; life or death level; that underlined feeling of intense uneasy fear... I still have it and not sure what to do about it; its like discovering I have cancer and I dont know what to do about it.
So; one top area is to feel and deal with the abandonment of an innocent child thrown away from his parents and his home.. for good. And to be brought into the hands of pure evil and destroyed... and never to see or hear of again any real family; from that point on being estranged...
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I dont want that continued; I want to move beyond this level of death fear onto or back into safety and love and being apart of things where Im safe again; the question is how? Ill have to work with God on this; certainly the locals are not going to give me answers to these deep questions.
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because this has no answer; its been hard to bring women onto the picture because Ive had no interest in them. Hatred has taken the place of any interest in them accept sex.... nothing else because I was anti social. and I didnt want anything else. However, I want something else. I want this to change but its not out of me yet. That is why I dont have any people around me. I have this hostility toward society; to kill everything and blow it up. But that is the feelings a broken teenager or 12 or 11 year old destroyed; given away to foster care and being molested and raped.... and bullied to death... with no one... nothing... And theirs no way to tell anyone anything. not the locals; they have no idea of this level of brutality in life; they are not at this frequency; they have no really understanding of such things... its detrimental for me to discuss this; it just causes competition and thats the wrong type of thing to be putting this into context; this is real stuff; not childish stuff for regular city folk.
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dealing with a step father where my name has already been smeared.
Dealing with step fathers son
dealing with girl up the street when living at the coast.
dealing with teachers and flunking classes in 9th grades at the coast
dealing with bullies in the neighborhoods at the coast
dealing with 10th grade
dealing with 11th grade...
dealing with bulling in the 12 grade
moving back to home town living with best friends family
dealing with bullies at high school senior
dealign with my mother the psychopath before I left in 11th grade. more abandonment.
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It all has to be dealt with.
age 18; working harvest; dealing with my uncle; dealing with bullies in trucks threatening me with violence; more bullies; cant get away from them. cant stand up for myself; not an answer... Im looking to escape the death level abandonment of my younger self and keep getting put into new situations with bulling. its becoming an epidemic... Father abandons and uses me again.
Seeing my father at foster home... him visiting/
father visiting at best friends while I live their; the humiliation of this guy showing up to their door to jiviest when he is suppose to be taking care of me... Im not suppose to live somewhere else. Im being used again to go places with him; no remorse or reflection; or conscious ; just a sadistic sociopaths. Im being used. and these people don't want me. Im not wanted at their house; and ive never been wanted by them; but I didnt know it; depends resentful hatred.

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Women;
Im looking at some pics of women I know that have liked me through the years and realizing; no way! All PTSD triggering from the past; no way I could ever get near them; head full of trauma; impossible. is it possible now. Its possible to work on the trauma because the trauma is showing gaps of clearing; underneath or in front of me are small pockets fo clearing; transparent's. So its cracking... These traumas are in the way... Stuff done to me by my mother; dealign with my mother and other horrors of trauma bond central. I see those things being able to be cleared but I dont know how and I dont know whats underneath; horrible pain; brokenness.. yes; but I wont know until I uncover them. Im not able to be here now; Im protected from that. everything is a TV screen; depersonalization.
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So; Im getting their.. As I said; Im 11 years old. I mentioned that somewhere. Im having to deal with this overwhelming situation at 11 or 10 years old; horrible unbelievable to put a child through this. and when this happened to me; all friends vanished; no one wanted me around any longer; got rid of me as white wash; back wash from a beer. Get rid of it with contempt. and people are still trying to ; middle class educated people who snub or snob me constantly suggesting Im a weakling they can play with like a toy. They cant; but I allow it because Im trying to get recovery for deeper things so I play passive with these idiots until I dont have to play ever again. Anyway. Ill keep working on all of this; its starting to surface. best thing I can do is keep opening this up.
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The purpose of all of this is to get marries; that means; coming back to normal in those social family areas; I have to; God is creating the pathways; Im at the beginning cross roads; very ignorant and dumb and un developed or knowledge in these areas; Ive not had any interaction sense I was a kid.. I dont know anything accept what I see in my head; Ive been alone or in a room all my life..
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;when Im in survive mode; I'm not in sex mode; when Im in survival mode; life or death; Im not in relationship mode. Ive been thrown away from my mother and father and cannot survive; so Im in survival mode; like Im in a war…. and no interest in anything; nothing. My nervous system is torn to pieces…. I dont care anymore about anything; just help. Nothing else. I cant function…. help me.. Thats all their is.
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So; the goal is to work through survival mode. I was used by allot of people; taken advantage of in survival mode; because I needed help; so I opened myself up to others and was taken advantage of over n over n over by this society…. I didnt want anything but help for my survival. Many people took advantage of it. So I was at a loss and heartbroken… no life….
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So; the key is to work through this time period of survival mode and attempt to reconnect to that person at that basic level and learn to feel it and heal and feel safe; have boundaries some how that I believe in…. I dont know; I could not afford to have boundaries at that age and would not know how to; all of this way beyond reality even now; let alone at 11 years old.
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So; working through survival mode onto something else and remembering where I came from; my original identity.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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