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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1051)
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- April 2020
Next social level is revealed to me
   Fri Apr 03, 2020 8:55 pm
New Social capacity; from anti social to getting help
   Thu Apr 02, 2020 5:22 am

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more changes ahead.

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Dec 01, 2019 4:49 pm

The seductive intoxication of victimhood has control of my body; my body is not mine; its trauma bonded to victimhood. I hate it; I love it; I love to hate more then I like to love; thats what I was left with; to hate; to hate; I had nothing left; I had nothing to work with but air; nothing... I would rather hate the world then be vulnerable and love. But this lie is not working; but its kept me alive in a world that does not care if I live or I die. but the intoxication of victimhood is numbing my feelings with self pleasure; and Im not motivated. Im like a drunk on the sidewalk; he's never awake so he never disagrees to what's happened to his life. He must first wake up. And that is what Im attempting to want to do right now; get down to the bottom line of things and wake up. However, my other personalities block me and dont want me to wake up; they want me to hate.. And Im so tired of their rebellious instructions; its not working; they are children who believe they are in a Christmas special and in denial; for them; they will always be in a safe house and in a bedroom playing with legos and will not have the capacity to see any other world or move beyond into any other world. For them; why should they leave their house for another; for them; their house is safely guarded and no reason to leave; they are cozy and safe. However, in the real world where the rest of me lives is a war zone..
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As I write this; I can feel the hatred; and being told not to go forward... I can feel the hatred because I was pulled from my home as a child; genocided as if I was an Assyrian refugee forced to another land; same thing. And now I want to go home and I want go move forward; split energy.
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The problem occurs at that moment I make real changes; I faulted; I faulter at that moment; Ill need a clear plan and manhood to move forward; Ill need allot of guys on my side helping me hold the line. I had no one; no friends and no family when young; but didn't know. I associated with people that were never my friends who had contempt for me from the beginning. And I was betrayed by all; and they knew what they were doing and took the opportunity to destroy me from the beginning; they were quite and covert about it; I never had a chance.... I know better now..
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The goal now; create goals of what I want right now; how I feel right now; and move forward. I know the resistance of the children within me; the child within me will throw up all kinds of defense. However, must move forward; Im stronger now and I have people on my side helping me to move forward; the gap is getting less n less; it will get to the point of jumping distance. So; much work and perpetration into limiting that gap; thats what Im looking for.
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I understand that when it comes time to jump; I'll be scared; and thus; Ill in list men that will hold the line that I not jump away but jump forward across the divide of my life into that new freedom. It's coming.
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What am I facing? The bullet Ant test of Brazil; where men are bitten by hundreds of bullet ants by willing choice and spend 24 hours in pain and agony billowing through it until they make it out the other side; thus going from boys to men; that is what Im facing; and Ive got men in place to help me with it; my form of the bullet ant testing; it will be more then one test; but it will be one firing line... And I will go through many tests Ive not faced that will get me to the destinations Im interested in. Im missing the ability to face tests because of authority abuse when young; I was knocked down into a spiral of horror and depravity and no way out. Now; I must work up the next direction toward what I want.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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