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https://www.psychforums.com/blog/OMNICELL/mood_stabilization_b-5101_sid-a15ec5528ee936a24db87c2d588bfc5a.html |
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| Author: | OMNICELL [ Fri Aug 09, 2013 6:03 am ] |
| Blog Subject: | mood stabilization |
I have no idea why I picked that title! Except that my natural surroundings are causing stabilization. I do not come from the middle class, I come from the psychiatric class. From a very young age I was to sensitive for this world. I lucked out for a few years and then was destroyed. I was always half dissociative! by the time I was 9 and that family system was destroyed, I never returned to normal. I am attempting after 2o years of brutal recovery work; to recover! Im in recovery from light addictive chemical dependency; Im more of a potential then the real thing. I used chemicals to cover the pain and medicate my mental condition! I am a PTSD pin cushion! My mind was severally damaged at a young age and was set off into pTSD land At which it never returned. At times, I came back to reality to be damaged again and again! Finally at the age of 16 I broke clearly from reality! I spent one long year in clinical depression bad enough to kill a horse; I was untreated! I had been set up by a girl that I was in love with! she was not in love with me! she had set me up! as soon as she saw I loved her as my first love; she pulled the rug out on the whole thing and acted like she never knew me! she was popular in school and thought it would be fun to destroy someone! it worked. My mind was permanently destroyed and I never come back from that! I am over it now, simply because Im a different person now, after the recovery work! The old me died, I am a new resurrected person from God! In addition, I overdosed on mushrooms and had been using drugs for the year. No one cared! I was all alone! I did not know, I thought I was cared about, I was never cared about or thought about by anyone! My mother had abandon me and my brothers. I had no idea, although I was living with her, I was hated and despised! it makes me sick now that I had spend any time around this person. She was not safe for children or me or anyone else. I was alone and had always been alone. I had a fantasy bond, nothing more! I never knew! I thought I had a world when I was a child! I did not! it was false! It was God and a fantasy bond that allowed me to believe I was connected to the outer world. My father was a narcissist. So I was never loved. I do not know what I would call what these people were, are , or felt. Its unfortunate that they had children. Im not sure what God had in mind. for them, for me! I do not know! I suppose Im a live and doing remarkably well considering. I loved many things and many people in this life, all disappeared like the wind or the dust! Nothing has been sacred except God! My life has been like a play! each act is folded up and moved away and Im left on the wooden acting platform alone. I have been alone all of my life! Im not sure why! I know this is not what God intended. Its not normal. I have been ridiculed all of my life by others. Im not sure this is what God intended. Some how I hear Gods voice as I write this saying; come out from among them and find the right people! Im not sure what the right people are! I know what the wrong people are! ---- Here I am with a ruptured personality and the symptoms are down. I cannot connect with people! I have tried. I have not tried hard enough. It is hard work. Im scared to death of women and tired of them; Im not enough! they have some strange ideas about what real men are. Im a real man, Im as honest and real as your going to ever get! I am of little or no interest to women, after a short time they consider me a vile person; not all of them, the more decent and intelligent seem to like me well enough! Most do not! I am to much trouble and not able to manipulate! The problem with women; you must talk with them, go up to them! This is hard for an AVPD! In the groups Im in, Ive had many women like me! However, the timing is always off or bad. Im wondering, or asking the question! if these women really liked me, would they not make sure the timing is correct! by the time I get the courage to walk up to them, they are taken by someone else, or I get rejecting signals from them because they secretly have new boy friends. Im not sure what to think. I think its all game playing, and I should call it what it is! call them what they are! Ive gone through this numerous times. Im scared to death of women that are attracted to me! Im not sure what they want or who they think they are talking to! Im afraid I am nothing like the person they think they want! That Im not worth it or worthy to be liked. I have many avoidance fears like the above phrases suggest! I have to learn to trust God! Im more interested in Porn then real women! Well, Im not interested in porn; I hate it, it does the job, its all vile!! Seems allot better then a relationship with the women that have been interested in me! Maybe Im a snob... Something is way wrong with this picture. Maybe its time for changes; to find myself around better people places and things. I know some of the girls loved me! I saw this! and they were beautiful sensitive girls, I would have loved them back; they did not get what they wanted when they wanted it, they brought another men on to the seen. At that point my association with them was permanently over. I will never understand any of this! I understand from a biological point of view, not an ethical one! Future goals; To continue to wake up, that is the goal. Im afraid in some places I will never fit in; the meetings are one of them. I have used them to survive and heal. But I have never fit in! I have to wake up and be a human being again! |
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