Our partner

User avatar
OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1009)
Archives
- August 2019
Finding my voice
   Tue Aug 20, 2019 4:47 pm
Three important conversations with women
   Tue Aug 20, 2019 1:39 am
I letting socioapths attack me again; abuse me; feel demoralized
   Mon Aug 19, 2019 11:23 am
Mellowing; and idea of exploring the entrances to the gap...
   Mon Aug 19, 2019 1:20 am
A house and a backyard and 4 walls and a hobby
   Sun Aug 18, 2019 1:09 am
moving into know mans land (positive); and then through
   Fri Aug 16, 2019 9:41 pm
The Gap
   Wed Aug 14, 2019 8:37 pm
Teenage years
   Wed Aug 14, 2019 2:25 am
finding and painting rocks
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 5:14 pm
Expressing my feelings
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 3:26 pm
I know Ive never met any women to date ever....
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 11:02 am
Being alone all of my life with out women or a relationship
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 10:16 am
The wright brothers created plaines; Im creating my new life
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 8:41 am
A new era is starting; But Ive got problems
   Mon Aug 12, 2019 12:19 pm
Signs of the end is here; and a new era starting
   Sun Aug 11, 2019 6:13 pm
Trapped between 2 worlds
   Sun Aug 11, 2019 3:23 pm
Things are getting better; Im still fat; I got a problem
   Fri Aug 09, 2019 11:38 pm
Women have defeated me? and I feel deated? #1
   Fri Aug 09, 2019 6:45 am
Plans from the universe; they have cometh
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 4:39 pm
breaking things and coming together
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 11:44 am
What am I thinking about
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 4:16 am
That breaking point
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 8:45 pm
Needing my mothers permission
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 5:47 pm
And another day
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 5:03 pm
Im so right in the middle of the promises
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 4:35 pm
whats missing with music; live playing
   Mon Aug 05, 2019 11:22 pm
Women and John Denver
   Sun Aug 04, 2019 11:33 pm
Bulling
   Sun Aug 04, 2019 1:33 am
art images coming back and other things; taking action
   Sat Aug 03, 2019 8:35 pm
I wasn't suppose to break the my first girls heart....
   Sat Aug 03, 2019 12:47 pm
Take my mother out of the picture; what do I get.
   Fri Aug 02, 2019 11:47 pm
Where am at right now.
   Thu Aug 01, 2019 11:30 am

+ July 2019
+ June 2019
+ May 2019
+ April 2019
+ March 2019
+ February 2019
+ January 2019
+ December 2018
+ November 2018
+ October 2018
+ September 2018
+ August 2018
+ July 2018
+ June 2018
+ May 2018
+ April 2018
+ March 2018
+ February 2018
+ January 2018
+ December 2017
+ November 2017
+ October 2017
+ September 2017
+ August 2017
+ July 2017
+ June 2017
+ May 2017
+ April 2017
+ March 2017
+ February 2017
+ January 2017
+ December 2016
+ November 2016
+ September 2016
+ August 2016
+ July 2016
+ June 2016
+ May 2016
+ April 2016
+ March 2016
+ February 2016
+ January 2016
+ December 2015
+ November 2015
+ October 2015
+ September 2015
+ August 2015
+ April 2015
+ March 2015
+ February 2015
+ January 2015
+ December 2014
+ November 2014
+ October 2014
+ September 2014
+ August 2014
+ July 2014
+ June 2014
+ May 2014
+ April 2014
+ March 2014
+ February 2014
+ January 2014
+ December 2013
+ November 2013
+ October 2013
+ September 2013
+ August 2013
+ July 2013
+ June 2013
+ May 2013
+ April 2013
+ March 2013
+ February 2013
+ January 2013
+ December 2012
+ November 2012
+ October 2012
+ September 2012
+ August 2012
+ July 2012
+ June 2012
+ May 2012
+ April 2012
+ March 2012
+ February 2012
+ January 2012
+ December 2011
+ November 2011
Search Blogs

mood stabilization

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Aug 09, 2013 6:03 am

I have no idea why I picked that title! Except that my natural surroundings are causing stabilization.

I do not come from the middle class, I come from the psychiatric class. From a very young age I was to sensitive for this world. I lucked out for a few years and then was destroyed. I was always half dissociative! by the time I was 9 and that family system was destroyed, I never returned to normal.

I am attempting after 2o years of brutal recovery work; to recover! Im in recovery from light addictive chemical dependency; Im more of a potential then the real thing. I used chemicals to cover the pain and medicate my mental condition!

I am a PTSD pin cushion! My mind was severally damaged at a young age and was set off into pTSD land At which it never returned. At times, I came back to reality to be damaged again and again! Finally at the age of 16 I broke clearly from reality! I spent one long year in clinical depression bad enough to kill a horse; I was untreated! I had been set up by a girl that I was in love with! she was not in love with me! she had set me up! as soon as she saw I loved her as my first love; she pulled the rug out on the whole thing and acted like she never knew me! she was popular in school and thought it would be fun to destroy someone! it worked. My mind was permanently destroyed and I never come back from that! I am over it now, simply because Im a different person now, after the recovery work! The old me died, I am a new resurrected person from God!

In addition, I overdosed on mushrooms and had been using drugs for the year. No one cared! I was all alone! I did not know, I thought I was cared about, I was never cared about or thought about by anyone! My mother had abandon me and my brothers. I had no idea, although I was living with her, I was hated and despised! it makes me sick now that I had spend any time around this person. She was not safe for children or me or anyone else.

I was alone and had always been alone. I had a fantasy bond, nothing more! I never knew! I thought I had a world when I was a child! I did not! it was false! It was God and a fantasy bond that allowed me to believe I was connected to the outer world.

My father was a narcissist. So I was never loved. I do not know what I would call what these people were, are , or felt. Its unfortunate that they had children. Im not sure what God had in mind. for them, for me! I do not know! I suppose Im a live and doing remarkably well considering.

I loved many things and many people in this life, all disappeared like the wind or the dust! Nothing has been sacred except God!

My life has been like a play! each act is folded up and moved away and Im left on the wooden acting platform alone.

I have been alone all of my life! Im not sure why! I know this is not what God intended. Its not normal.

I have been ridiculed all of my life by others. Im not sure this is what God intended. Some how I hear Gods voice as I write this saying; come out from among them and find the right people! Im not sure what the right people are! I know what the wrong people are!

----
Here I am with a ruptured personality and the symptoms are down. I cannot connect with people! I have tried. I have not tried hard enough. It is hard work.

Im scared to death of women and tired of them; Im not enough! they have some strange ideas about what real men are. Im a real man, Im as honest and real as your going to ever get! I am of little or no interest to women, after a short time they consider me a vile person; not all of them, the more decent and intelligent seem to like me well enough! Most do not! I am to much trouble and not able to manipulate!

The problem with women; you must talk with them, go up to them! This is hard for an AVPD!

In the groups Im in, Ive had many women like me! However, the timing is always off or bad. Im wondering, or asking the question! if these women really liked me, would they not make sure the timing is correct! by the time I get the courage to walk up to them, they are taken by someone else, or I get rejecting signals from them because they secretly have new boy friends. Im not sure what to think. I think its all game playing, and I should call it what it is! call them what they are! Ive gone through this numerous times.

Im scared to death of women that are attracted to me! Im not sure what they want or who they think they are talking to! Im afraid I am nothing like the person they think they want! That Im not worth it or worthy to be liked.

I have many avoidance fears like the above phrases suggest!

I have to learn to trust God!

Im more interested in Porn then real women! Well, Im not interested in porn; I hate it, it does the job, its all vile!! Seems allot better then a relationship with the women that have been interested in me! Maybe Im a snob... Something is way wrong with this picture.

Maybe its time for changes; to find myself around better people places and things. I know some of the girls loved me! I saw this! and they were beautiful sensitive girls, I would have loved them back; they did not get what they wanted when they wanted it, they brought another men on to the seen. At that point my association with them was permanently over. I will never understand any of this! I understand from a biological point of view, not an ethical one!

Future goals;

To continue to wake up, that is the goal. Im afraid in some places I will never fit in; the meetings are one of them. I have used them to survive and heal. But I have never fit in!

I have to wake up and be a human being again!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
0 Comments Viewed 3900 times

Who is online

Registered users: 88kappa, Bing [Bot], Bossroach, DaturaInnoxia, Google [Bot], Google Adsense [Bot], Google Feedfetcher, Sarandipity, SomeDude007, Squaredonutwheels, Trumpls