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Money or emotion

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Jul 15, 2018 7:53 am

When young; Altho no one loved me and my old friends abandon when I moved; I had places to live. I was in the houses of psychopaths; they still had middle class money; and I still had places to hide from the streets; altho I was full of long term developmental trauma disorder; CPTSD; and over loaded I was! no friends; all alone in houses of monsters; and these monsters should be feared for ones life.
And all of this effects my sex life; being touched or allowing myself to fantasize about intimacy and closeness; all shut off. This causes problems!
My earlier life; unanswered! Its never been; my early life; it was snuffed out! So; its trapped in me; and looking for relief and answers; and those answers are going to be answered here on earth in the present! Ive had to move from one village to another because the original village I came from did not want me or accept me; it was pure prejudice! I was hated without a cause and thrown out or thrown away; I was thrown away because I had my own voice and my own away of life and my own guidance system and my own happiness! I didn't need them for anyone; so; I was thrown away when young; Their goal was to cripple me! and never see me again!
The point of all this! The point is practical! I need practical experience to come back to life! I need a sex life, a love life, and a friends life. I need to feel safe around friends and have the ability to express myself and feel safe and free doing so; and doing so around others. I need boundaries around others and to feel safe when expressing them; knowing I can leave at anytime and be safe; leave a conversation; knowing my safe in a conversation! I need to have the ability to laugh and be free and crazy around others; and actually feel safe and know Im wanted and loved and wont be thrown out!
As for women; I need new fishing wholes! Couldn't say it better! However, this requires me going to these new places and learning to open up to new women! This means many things; female pre selection. This means having guy friends I can roll stuff of with! And I've got some of this!
This means; being more assertive socially of what I want and who I want to hang around with! More confidence!
I have to let go of money! I had original plans; Im a smart man; I would never allow myself to be caught with a " no money" life; However, thats what happened! How am I'm going to convince a women that Im Caesar if I have no money! Money is a sign of a mans success and masculinity!
" How can I be Caesar if I have no money"; This is where the hang up lies; I have to become a man without money; and thats going to take a bit of courage in an area I dont got courage; suddenly the talk stops here!
One major problem I have with people; Im stuck with knowing a few people in the recovery process; and I need to meet new people because the selection of women is low! very low! and I have a whole wide world of selection with women; " out their in the world"! In addition; Some of the women feel special; like their the best I can get; they have no idea who I am! Im more therapeutic needy then sexually needy when dealing with these women; I dont want to be alone; thats the only reason Im around them! However, they seem to think its about their bodies and how I must want them or lust for them! Not true; not so! Just loneliness on my part! Im lonely! Im trying to learn how to connect again! And I truly hate it when Im lonely and someone thinks its all about them; thats why Im around them; their Gods! and thats the kind of people Im around; " some of the people"; Im also around many many cool people that off set this!
Anyway; Ive got a good recovery group of people! Now I need a good social group of people for other things; professional level things; dating things! My social world needs to expand!
Money or emotion;
When younger; I was around middle class money'; it was not my money and no one cared about me or my future! and I would not want this type of filth around me ever again! They are dangerous to any humans health! However, I had places I could go; their houses instead of the streets! In reality; I would have been better if I had had no place to go when young; became homeless for ever; and possibly got help when very very young to be on my own! that would have been better! Then I would not have waisted my time with game players and the horrible horror show I was put through; and fake people acting as friends when in reality they were playing a game on me! They were not my friends; its a lie from the start! I would have become homeless and if I survived; would have found myself in a new life; learning on my own how to survive and much younger then I am now! Not complaining; just saying!
Money or emotion;
The problem is; when young; I could tell people I was from a middle class background; this gave me the "in"; the girls thought I was a middle class guy with a middle class future; I was not ; I was a derelict thrown away! I was hiding in middle class clothing someone else bought for me! the women did not know this; they did not know I was not connected to money! so; the money helped my look; thats what attracted with women! Without this money; I would have been like everyone else! On my own; and had to learn to like myself on my own; and learned what kind of women I could attract and who I could not or who I would not! I had no idea what my social identity was! where I fit in; my values and who I attract! it was all false and messed up!
Ive never been on my own without their money and tried to have dates and go out with women; strangely enough; its not the women accepting me that is the problem; its me accepting me; accepting what I lost; I never got over it; Now; I want to get over it; get a new life and get on with this new life; accepting who I am and going after women and getting relationships and getting a life! Accepting who I am in a positive sense and meeting new women; the right women!
In that statement of " getting new women"; Their is a problem; and the shame and the pain is the problem! And the PTSD that causes the shame and pain and resentments and deep revenge; it has destroyed my sex life! Harboring resentments!
I don't feel like having sex if I don't have money to back up my identity! I feel like I wont have any power in bed! that I wont be feared or respected as a man! And if a women does not respect me as a man; I don't want her anywhere near my bed! or my life! anywhere near me; ever!
I want the kind of women that understand what kind of Gorilla their dealing with! And I have to learn how to go out in the world and be that Gorilla and where that Gorilla fits into the mix!
Im talking about getting a new life on all fronts! Im scared to death and saddened; However, Im excited; Ive had great progress up to this point; I want more!
I am complaining because the PTSD is causing problems when I attempt to take control of my life and bring it on board; get my life back on line! Im doing it; bringing it back on line;' However, my mind is hijacked from the PTSD and the present and I cant move; anymore then a person cant move when their dreaming! If I cannot be present; Im done at that moment! So; the work is to become present during the activities that normally would be dissociated out of existence; And that is a very rupturing sobering idea!

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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