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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- December 2019
more changes ahead.
   Sun Dec 01, 2019 4:49 pm

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Molding sound like clay; having reasons; Things are changing

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Jul 03, 2019 4:25 pm

The universe is leading me; art and music are coming back; the reason; “ I have a reason”; its about developmental time periods; Im creating art to help development of my younger child life; that takes precedent over all other things; that time period of development; thats where the freedom lies. Thats where my interests are and always have been. I was ignoring this part of self because the abusers didn't like this part of me and wanted this part of me snuffed out; so; this part of me starved and was untouched; like a star ship left adrift in space for 50 thousand years; Now; I've boarded that star ship and cleaned the cobwebs from the bridge; cleaned up all the dust and sediment of the silent controls; and I turned the power on; and its on again; Im on this ship again; Im present in that part of my life again.
years ago; I used to move around in youtube; from one area of vids to another; it was like discovering different worlds; Im doing the same thing within myself. Im going back to the beginning of my life and regenerating everything on again. I had no point, no purpose to life; nothing; Now its changing; Im aligning with a very hard part of self; a part completely destroyed and neglected; Im back into self again; this part of self; to rebuild And live; and align. I cant say how it all is happening; Ive got the energy from sources; sometimes Ive been beat up getting that energy; its cost me a great deal; sometimes the sacrifice has been more then what I could stand even agains my morality; but I got what I needed to start this starship once again; I use to say that without the original family system; I could never live again; but that is not true; I got the energy source from other places; it took time; and Im still working on it.
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So; Im starting to get reasons why Im developing into art and music. Ive had the natural skill interest but I wasn’t alive; no purpose or reason; Im now live and getting more n more reasons to develop my young self.
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I needed that reason; a reason to be alive, a reason to do something; anything.
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Its starting to show up; Im starting to show up; Heres the deal; I don't even want to tell you why or how; its not what you think; Im alive because Im being bolted back to life; jar’d back to life; pushed around back n fourth to life. ITs not been what I thought; people weren’t nice’y nice to me back to life; they were rude; pretentious and irritating; and some how I got attention while being in the middle of it; bounced around; like the front rows at a rock concert from the early 80’s.
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ITs working; Im getting the inner attention I need; not always positive attention; just human interactions. Some times its pissed me off to the point of war; but it woke me up; it was safe enough; just rude behavior by others. However, its not in places where people are fighting; its not a trap house. Im in Christian 12 step meetings or hanging out with others in recovery; and things started to open up and move for me.
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Its positive; but not all of it and much of what is not positive motivated me to go further in my own interests; not sure how or why that happened; but its working.... its like a struggle.
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So; Im more motived; I all ready had a direction; I wanted up and out of where I was at; the attention I needed was like gasoline for a car; the problem is; sometimes to get the gasoline, Ive had to fight for it or be beat up for it; and I didn't expect that. Not everyone plays by the rules or my rules; they don't care; fair or not; but I survived.
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So; Im starting to get back into my music and art again; but this time Ive got a reason; its the development of my younger child within me; from 2 to 7 years old or 8 years old; and now I understand what art is for; its for those that want to redevelop their inner self from a damaged time period; and this is a purpose. And I feel the same way about music; I've got a good reason to create music; its not just that I have a sensitivity for it; that was never enough to go in the direction of music; but with the feedback Ive gotten through the years; and the work in recovery; Ive got a genuine reason to be involved in music; a motivation. Having talent is not enough to motivate a person; my heart was not in it; but its in it now; or its just starting to trust again; take chances in this direction; so I see hope in this direction; its certainly something I love. and Im less interested in what others think of my future or think of me.
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The arts are definitely important to me; but they are not me; Im me and Im using art for a reason; its not my identity; I identify with the reason to be alive is to work on self and art is a therapeutic tool for that reason; and its smart to use art to heal the very young inner child; to develop that very very young inner self; to allow that choked stuffed suffocating child to breath again.
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So; its starting for me. What do I mean by having purpose; If had no money I would not be interested in being alive; but I know people that loved what they were doing and that was their life interest; and if they had no money and were on the streets; they would find a way; because they were interested in life and they would make their way back. I was not interested in life; so, when I was on the streets; nothing mattered; I was homeless.
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Things matter now; and its not because of nice people; its a mix of being around all kinds of people and being awake enough to get the energy from them. Not always fun.
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Im not cured; but coming back to life with a reason; a reason to do the things I like to do.
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Ive been around allot of fools; and Im learning that Ive made allot of mistakes with people; pre judging them to be nice when they are fools. Fools are dangerous people; the Bible suggests; the most dangerous in the world. Those who do not care about they reputations with honorable people are those one should stay away from. Pretentious; thats what I would call them.
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So; Im getting motivated to get involved in what I want to get involved in; not worried about what others are doing; and that is truly a great thing; and again; it never came about from being loved by everyone; but it came from being in places that Ive learned about people again. And Im still learning; not suggesting that I didn't get love or learn how to tell someone that I loved them; Im learning; but Im learning that not all people are honorable or honest; many are foolish and need to be avoided at all costs; and Ive been foolish and dumb. And Ive been completely wrong most of the time about many things; completely wrong; because its better to be happy then right. I was looking for what was right and not happy; the foolish part is; when I looked for happiness; I had no intelligence about it. Im not intelligent when it comes to happiness. I dont know anything about it; Im as dumb as a lock jam. So; Im just at the beginning of it.
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Its not just men that are arrogant and pertinacious the women are just as bad in specific groups Ive learned from; I put up with the un putupable. I cant explain it. But its all leading me to a better life.
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I mentioned in another blog or a post somewhere that Im now; when hugging some female friend; they say; “ I love you” And Im now saying “ I love you”. So; Im getting somewhere; Im opening up at close range.... its not easy and no one understands; and some of the groups with the pretentious people; they dont understand either; I mean; they really dont know me or what Im doing their; even if their trying to use me and they are; specially the women and some of the middle class pretentious guys. They dont respect anything; and so Im left with what to do; and I have to run; thats the best thing; not fight. They are fools; One does not want to engage with a fool; its a bad bad mistake. Jesus dealt with the pretentious of his time during his life time; he dealt with politicians and kings; he sat before them; ate at their tables; and wen silent in front of them as a prisoner. But Jesus said their was one type of individual he would not deal with when encountering; and that was a fool; he said to stay far clear of them for when the blind are leading the blind; both end up in a ditch.
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Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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