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Memories at the core

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed May 01, 2013 12:34 am

The core is shame; that much I know. However, what do I do with this shame. How is it removed.
The shame at the core is not a type of shame I recognize. When I think of shame, I think of many thing; Is my house big enough, Is my bank account big enough, Am I big enough, Do I have enough friends, How much status do I have.
The shame of the core is a different animal. ITs about how I was treated as a boy, and what I was but through. Its about later times as a teenager, when no one cared who I was or what happened to me, or my talents or my mind. I was thrown away by everyone I had known or grown up with. I was lost and thrown away... no one cared because no one was human; they could care less what happened to me.

The shame is the humiliation of what I was subject to. I was treated as if in a prison camp. I was hated and demoralized. However, this picture may not be as it appears on paper; words might not describe this painful life experience. . Its far more deadly, yet subtle. The people who did these things were not stupid. They covered there tracts, they lied to make themselves look good.. They had nothing but hatred and contempt for innocent people. They despised decent innocent kindness.

They say the kindest deeds of the wicked are still cruel.

I am attempting to regain my identity. As a child I was a sensitive artist. I remember being me! I remember the shifts taking place, changing me into someone else. I was being destroyed, molded backwards into someone I was not. It was sick, and a sick thing to do to someone. It was a conducted prison camp experiment, or the equivalent; sadistic!

When I start to see that original boy, I am able to be him for a moment, then the pain sets in and I begin to sway in different controlled directions. Im not the one controlling things. I begin to switch identities. The goal is to get back to being the artist that loved the color of flowers and cool paintings and musical music... I loved walking around and looking at buildings and designs.

My identity was destroyed. Now, I would like to get it back...

The girl at the meetings 6 months ago, is the most important event in the last 10 years... I have changed greatly from that time. Ive done immense psych work around this issue.

1. I have a player personality. This personalty never washed his clothing or kept his apartment clean. I did! I had to step in and wash things! Take care of the others! He was a pathological player of women. It was this powerhouse that attracted the girl at the meetings. Beautiful women fall for the stronger alpha men. And my player personality is strong and creative and funny and many things. What this player is not: real!
The girl fell in love with this personality. Then, Something happened. I was under to much pressure. The dissociative condition would not allow me to get close to anyone and this girl wanted me as boy toy. I switched personalities to the one writing this blog. I remember, I had a breakdown. It was a major change of personalities, a great upheaval. I was dormant for months; out of my head. I lost the girl and many other changes occurred.

The present personality does not like this girl nor find her attractive nor safe. The player personality would have married her. He doesn't care, He doesn't feel anything!; he's a sociopath! If he did marry her, I would have had a heart attack! And I do not have the memories of the player personality. I can see the memories at a distance, However, they are not mine. I can see some of them and feel them from a distance through him. I know another part of me loved this girl, I do not! I do not miss her or care about her. I find her repulsive. So , of-course Im in confusion. I do appreciate how she felt about me, Or, I should say the player in me! and I feel she would have been a good friend. For this reason, I study what happened that I do not make the same mistakes again. She got hurt, this was never my intention, it was the intention of the player personality, as that personality cares about nothing. I will never see this girl or hear from her again!

I'm attempting to wake up and be me again. My mothers influence is much smaller then it used to be. I should say her memory is much smaller. I do not need her that I stand on my own two feet. Im becoming stronger!

The developmental stage that was ruined is healing. I am gaining new experiences that are filling in the broken developmental gaps, this is hit and miss! much dissociative problems when dealing with these wounds, much ptsd problems as well; slow going! much work to be done. However, clear runways ahead.... ITs all a go. ITs about independence! freedom.. peace and happiness. Its about getting back my original personality!

God is the direction, he is in control of all things....

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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