Our partner

User avatar
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1009)
- August 2019
Finding my voice
   Tue Aug 20, 2019 4:47 pm
Three important conversations with women
   Tue Aug 20, 2019 1:39 am
I letting socioapths attack me again; abuse me; feel demoralized
   Mon Aug 19, 2019 11:23 am
Mellowing; and idea of exploring the entrances to the gap...
   Mon Aug 19, 2019 1:20 am
A house and a backyard and 4 walls and a hobby
   Sun Aug 18, 2019 1:09 am
moving into know mans land (positive); and then through
   Fri Aug 16, 2019 9:41 pm
The Gap
   Wed Aug 14, 2019 8:37 pm
Teenage years
   Wed Aug 14, 2019 2:25 am
finding and painting rocks
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 5:14 pm
Expressing my feelings
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 3:26 pm
I know Ive never met any women to date ever....
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 11:02 am
Being alone all of my life with out women or a relationship
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 10:16 am
The wright brothers created plaines; Im creating my new life
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 8:41 am
A new era is starting; But Ive got problems
   Mon Aug 12, 2019 12:19 pm
Signs of the end is here; and a new era starting
   Sun Aug 11, 2019 6:13 pm
Trapped between 2 worlds
   Sun Aug 11, 2019 3:23 pm
Things are getting better; Im still fat; I got a problem
   Fri Aug 09, 2019 11:38 pm
Women have defeated me? and I feel deated? #1
   Fri Aug 09, 2019 6:45 am
Plans from the universe; they have cometh
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 4:39 pm
breaking things and coming together
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 11:44 am
What am I thinking about
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 4:16 am
That breaking point
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 8:45 pm
Needing my mothers permission
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 5:47 pm
And another day
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 5:03 pm
Im so right in the middle of the promises
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 4:35 pm
whats missing with music; live playing
   Mon Aug 05, 2019 11:22 pm
Women and John Denver
   Sun Aug 04, 2019 11:33 pm
   Sun Aug 04, 2019 1:33 am
art images coming back and other things; taking action
   Sat Aug 03, 2019 8:35 pm
I wasn't suppose to break the my first girls heart....
   Sat Aug 03, 2019 12:47 pm
Take my mother out of the picture; what do I get.
   Fri Aug 02, 2019 11:47 pm
Where am at right now.
   Thu Aug 01, 2019 11:30 am

+ July 2019
+ June 2019
+ May 2019
+ April 2019
+ March 2019
+ February 2019
+ January 2019
+ December 2018
+ November 2018
+ October 2018
+ September 2018
+ August 2018
+ July 2018
+ June 2018
+ May 2018
+ April 2018
+ March 2018
+ February 2018
+ January 2018
+ December 2017
+ November 2017
+ October 2017
+ September 2017
+ August 2017
+ July 2017
+ June 2017
+ May 2017
+ April 2017
+ March 2017
+ February 2017
+ January 2017
+ December 2016
+ November 2016
+ September 2016
+ August 2016
+ July 2016
+ June 2016
+ May 2016
+ April 2016
+ March 2016
+ February 2016
+ January 2016
+ December 2015
+ November 2015
+ October 2015
+ September 2015
+ August 2015
+ April 2015
+ March 2015
+ February 2015
+ January 2015
+ December 2014
+ November 2014
+ October 2014
+ September 2014
+ August 2014
+ July 2014
+ June 2014
+ May 2014
+ April 2014
+ March 2014
+ February 2014
+ January 2014
+ December 2013
+ November 2013
+ October 2013
+ September 2013
+ August 2013
+ July 2013
+ June 2013
+ May 2013
+ April 2013
+ March 2013
+ February 2013
+ January 2013
+ December 2012
+ November 2012
+ October 2012
+ September 2012
+ August 2012
+ July 2012
+ June 2012
+ May 2012
+ April 2012
+ March 2012
+ February 2012
+ January 2012
+ December 2011
+ November 2011
Search Blogs

Memories at the core

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed May 01, 2013 12:34 am

The core is shame; that much I know. However, what do I do with this shame. How is it removed.
The shame at the core is not a type of shame I recognize. When I think of shame, I think of many thing; Is my house big enough, Is my bank account big enough, Am I big enough, Do I have enough friends, How much status do I have.
The shame of the core is a different animal. ITs about how I was treated as a boy, and what I was but through. Its about later times as a teenager, when no one cared who I was or what happened to me, or my talents or my mind. I was thrown away by everyone I had known or grown up with. I was lost and thrown away... no one cared because no one was human; they could care less what happened to me.

The shame is the humiliation of what I was subject to. I was treated as if in a prison camp. I was hated and demoralized. However, this picture may not be as it appears on paper; words might not describe this painful life experience. . Its far more deadly, yet subtle. The people who did these things were not stupid. They covered there tracts, they lied to make themselves look good.. They had nothing but hatred and contempt for innocent people. They despised decent innocent kindness.

They say the kindest deeds of the wicked are still cruel.

I am attempting to regain my identity. As a child I was a sensitive artist. I remember being me! I remember the shifts taking place, changing me into someone else. I was being destroyed, molded backwards into someone I was not. It was sick, and a sick thing to do to someone. It was a conducted prison camp experiment, or the equivalent; sadistic!

When I start to see that original boy, I am able to be him for a moment, then the pain sets in and I begin to sway in different controlled directions. Im not the one controlling things. I begin to switch identities. The goal is to get back to being the artist that loved the color of flowers and cool paintings and musical music... I loved walking around and looking at buildings and designs.

My identity was destroyed. Now, I would like to get it back...

The girl at the meetings 6 months ago, is the most important event in the last 10 years... I have changed greatly from that time. Ive done immense psych work around this issue.

1. I have a player personality. This personalty never washed his clothing or kept his apartment clean. I did! I had to step in and wash things! Take care of the others! He was a pathological player of women. It was this powerhouse that attracted the girl at the meetings. Beautiful women fall for the stronger alpha men. And my player personality is strong and creative and funny and many things. What this player is not: real!
The girl fell in love with this personality. Then, Something happened. I was under to much pressure. The dissociative condition would not allow me to get close to anyone and this girl wanted me as boy toy. I switched personalities to the one writing this blog. I remember, I had a breakdown. It was a major change of personalities, a great upheaval. I was dormant for months; out of my head. I lost the girl and many other changes occurred.

The present personality does not like this girl nor find her attractive nor safe. The player personality would have married her. He doesn't care, He doesn't feel anything!; he's a sociopath! If he did marry her, I would have had a heart attack! And I do not have the memories of the player personality. I can see the memories at a distance, However, they are not mine. I can see some of them and feel them from a distance through him. I know another part of me loved this girl, I do not! I do not miss her or care about her. I find her repulsive. So , of-course Im in confusion. I do appreciate how she felt about me, Or, I should say the player in me! and I feel she would have been a good friend. For this reason, I study what happened that I do not make the same mistakes again. She got hurt, this was never my intention, it was the intention of the player personality, as that personality cares about nothing. I will never see this girl or hear from her again!

I'm attempting to wake up and be me again. My mothers influence is much smaller then it used to be. I should say her memory is much smaller. I do not need her that I stand on my own two feet. Im becoming stronger!

The developmental stage that was ruined is healing. I am gaining new experiences that are filling in the broken developmental gaps, this is hit and miss! much dissociative problems when dealing with these wounds, much ptsd problems as well; slow going! much work to be done. However, clear runways ahead.... ITs all a go. ITs about independence! freedom.. peace and happiness. Its about getting back my original personality!

God is the direction, he is in control of all things....

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
0 Comments Viewed 10108 times

Who is online

Registered users: Bing [Bot], birdsong87, ForeverIndecesive, Google [Bot], Google Adsense [Bot], Google Feedfetcher, jj19, mansnils, mc73, RottingNeurons, Sticky