Memories and life coming back online; just a beginning; a very very very small beginning; but its arrived.
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Think of a Dam; concrete; big and tall; think of water holes; tiny holes spilling water through the holes...
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Parts of me; memories are showing up. These are slivers of memories; not of me being tortured by the past; these are the child in me coming forward to live; Hes here...
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Memories of many things are right next to me; just need to get stronger.
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Ive been talking about family... Ive been talking about memories of thanks giving when I was a kid and Christmas. Im remembering my house when child; all the good stuff. Some of it; its starting to show up because the child is showing up and taking over... he is integrating with me. Child and Adult are wanting to become one. He is under and I am over; Im seeing his memories and hes seeing my authority to run my life.
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He has his dreams and those dreams are not attached yet; I remember them; but thats way to much for now. What I do remember is the street I grew up on; many more things are showing up; day to day things that created my identity; All my independent experiences.
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Slivers of memories are showing up. They are much thicker and richer and deeper and Im more present in them and they in me; Im not fully secure or free; Im scared still; Scared to feel totally free to feel them and remember them and believe them; believe in them.... Im still the watcher from the outside and still angry about it; but they keep showing up in slivers... \
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Today Ive had this going on since I got up this morning.
The goal is to get back that middle class life I created when I was a boy; And I created it. I loved it; I had no reason to get rid of it; someone else came along and got rid of it. I was all for building my life...
Many things are happening;
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Im starting to Fues into present reality. But Im doing it with out any parents or their house or cars... thats whats most important and Im doing it without the best friend from my childhood; that is extremely important for he was evil and a fake friend. Not real at all; scary stuff. He was a sociopath kind of; pathological performer... No human conscious... I never saw it; he was faking it; never saw it.
So; Im beginning what I asked God to help me become; the person I was as a child; and Im starting to see those memories of roaming around my neighborhood; but this is just a beginning; for it is way to hard on me to experience that; re experience it because it will be taken from me at some point and ill feel that trauma again; and that would not be a good thing for that is lights out!
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So; I had hopes and dreams and many things. And I think the original me will come forth more n more; when and how I feel safe that bullies or rapists or psychopaths are not in the facility to hurt me or abuse me control me or ease me or kidnap me... or dismantle my identity.
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The original middle class guy is showing up. I remember all the things I was going to and be when I grew up; all the experiences and they never happened; no of them....
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So; much fear because bad memories of bad times have to be processed as well. And 7th grade. I hope God turns that into a movie on a tv screen in my head that I know Im safe on the other side... not yet; but its coming I think; I hope. Lots of dissociation circling around that time period. Bad bad bad.
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I remember skying. Going skiing in the mornings with my Dad; coming home at night; coming down off the mountain to the chalet to eat and then home; and when home; warm and a fire and Id watch Star Trek and make plastic model kits or call my friend and go visit him; he lived down the street.
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And many of my memories will come back with time and my over all feeling of my town when a child and what I was suppose to do.
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The number one issue is feeling safe. God will have to supply that for me; its not here yet; but some of it is.
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The goals I had; to be part of things; we will see what God does for me...
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not their yet; I think I will know Im their when I can safely look outside and accept what I see; that Im not missing anything; my life starts from where Im at... that my childhood is centered within me again; or I in it. And nothing is missing; but to say that hurts a great deal; anger comes up; so Im not ready for that yet; still horrible processing of the past; bad things; horrible things that are PTSD alive. We will see.
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Im still working on Art work and guitar; sort of. Dont know what Im going to do with it. thats whats got me bugged; have to work with the universe concerning where I would play it and to whom; same with Art work...
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We will see.
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Safety is the number one key.
Looking back on my grade school years; I was a really nice kid; the kind that would come back to school at night for crafts class making candles or clay pottery. Or playing volley ball in the gym at night. Just a nice kid all around. But I was being neglected and did not know. It crept up on me like hunger; and soon I was not healthy anymore and not functioning or doing anything anymore... and my life changed. And I thought; Ok; my parents will help me later because they love me... But they didnt love anyone. And no one would show up later... I was be destroyed and discarded...
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So; lots of pain and anger and abuse to work through of that time period. But the question is; how am I right now in my apartment; and I feel more grounded and safer. not perfect yet; ive had agoraphobia for years... I still do; I can go outside but I dont want to. I will to ride mountain bikes; but riding bikes is hypnotizing and I really cant stop to feel trapped by the people around me; Im traveling and moving and it keeps my mind off the agoraphobia; And I travel the park and reservoir to ride outside the city limits and that is all forestry and trail land... A sanctuary when I first was put on social security and in the recovery process.
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Im looking forward to getting my childhood memories back. For the child in me to feel safe enough to show up to get them back. To feel safe in the present again. To feel aligned again. This will happen I hope.. Not yet.
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I was playing piano today and had this sliver of hope... I actually could see myself creating something real to play somewhere... I mean; I was present enough.
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7 grade; allot of massive fear and betrayal; sexual abuse, bulling... fear and trauma and freeze up from being bullied over n over n over... completely thrown away and in a state of trauma.
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I look at all the mental illness in the 9th grade and beyond. My God; I had no one. And I had no one in the 7th or 8th grade.
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We will see where Im at in a month.
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What Im looking at right now... slivers of memories; These memories are equal frequencies to what I want to be right now. that means theirs a gap; but its not like climbing a latter is needed; Im at the right level; but I have to cross a divide... I have to walk across a plain. And open area... to my destination. Its still open and I could still get attached by bullies; thats what Im afraid of. Not being safe...
I was not safe through most of my childhood because I was taken from my home and thrown away; no more father.
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So; I have allot to work through. Time. Where will I be in 6 months. Thats a good way of looking at it; becoming more present....
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Co dependency; A problem arrise'd as a boy; I was pulled into the wrong family; they were evil; I was being lied to; manipulated. I did not know; Now I look back in all concern and fear. Real fear.... I had no idea; nothing; makes me angry; makes me sad; but makes me sick to my stomach that I ever got around them. And; Fear. a brutal healthy amount of fear; pure evil... Looking back; I see a haunted house. Never saw it when young... never did.. I equated that house; the pets; the family; I equated it with a wholesome television show. Had no idea. Today; I want to stay clear of that place; I want my mind back; I want to stay clear of it in my mind. However, that place co dependently took the place of what was missing from my own family system when young; I wanted to get away from my mother because I could feel the horrible evil of that person; it generated like heat; I could feel it as an epicenter of horror and satanism; Could feel it a block away. I naturally moved on and moved through the neighborhood looking for other houses to associate with.
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So today; the goal is see myself in my house at the front door; right outside the front door; when I was a child. See myself right outside the front door; and to stop and think and feel and pray to God and make a decision. Now that I know what I know; dont go down that street; if you do; dont go near that house. If they call; tell them; NO! hang up and walk off and never go near that place ever again; never go near that place again. And the reason is; I made a mistake. And the child in me needs to know it and learn it; Im showing the child; Im instructing this child now; and this child nicely and kindly has to learn; NO! not that direction; go the opposite direction; I will pray and work with God to resolve the problems I have at home; We will find another way; but stay away from that house down the street and anyone living in it.. Pure evil. Move on past it... Never enter their ever again.
I did not know... I could not have known; I was just a kid.
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So; that brings up to God; How do I resolve the house I was living in. How do I get the help from God.. Where do I go. Possibly go talk to the Minister of the Episcopal church; See what he has to say. And do more home work. Go talk to teachers and see what I can do. Time to learn how to get into home work... Do well in school. But I will also need protection. I do not have a friend anymore; I will be lonely and TV shows will not be enough. I will have to pray and reach out. Dont know yet. I can feel the tremendous fear coming over me as I realize a life without that false friend in it when young. Bi pass his house; his friendship; the whole thing as if it never existed and make sure it never does. Get involved in my Art work. That does not solve it but its a beginning.
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And slowly getting rid of those people from my mind and my past; it leaves me with that original family system and I all alone in that house with my mother. and I have no place to go or hide; I mean; Ill have to work with God to create a new life and doing new things inside and outside the home... That scares me right now as I think about it... I do have the opportunity to look back and rearrange everything; recreate it so I am safe from bad people; the problem is; I was visiting bad people to get away from bad people within the home I was living; so; Ill have to take this to God to figure out how to get away from those bad people. Im seeing my mother and her father as the main problems... Ill have to take this to God. And later Im seeing bulling. Not sure what to do about it. Ill have to re write the script.
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Heres the other thing. Now that Im eliminating several people from that past and I m left at home; home does not feel so good after all; I was eliminating the need to feel my feelings by escaping to someone else homes... So; that mens im starting to feel the fear of being in the home I was brought up in. I cant escape. where will I escape to. I dont want to stay in the place if I dont have to. I was desperate after awhile... Thats why more n more I hung out at my best friends house; I did it to get away from the family system I was living with because I could feel the underlined evil of those people... My mother generated evil; pure evil; enough to cover a neighborhood block.
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So; How do I rewrite this; well; ill talk to God about it. Feeling safe right now would be nice.
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9th grade; this has to be processed and re written completely; all of it; another situation of; Im at home; I want to escape; where do I go; I end up at other peoples houses with illegitimate evil people; here we go again. a repeat of the first experience in life I had in the first house I was in. My mind and nervous system were hurt and Ill need help. I wont get any from the family system I live with; and Im talking about from the first house I live in as a small child; Ill need help as a small child; Im already seeing my awareness of evil of my mother and her father and Ill need help because of this; I dont want to her around her or in that house; it frightens me. Her and her father are monsters.
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9th grade; rewriting it. This time I will bi pass that girl who lives up the street completely. That will be interesting and Ill have to do good in school. I dont know where Im going to get solid structures to rely on; Im not sure; from the beginning of my life; nor in other towns and cities I was forced to live in; I dont know. I reached out to the wrong house holds... I dont know. Ill work with God on this. Possibly part time jobs... Music and acting and Art. I dont know. science? or studying... maybe? dont know. We will see as I open this thing up...
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And all this work is creating a new life for me now; re arranging my past to suit me now for my new life for the new me that should have been the original me... We will see.
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