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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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Im still to young
   Fri Oct 18, 2019 4:36 pm
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Memorials

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat Jan 12, 2013 11:42 pm

First:

I lost my Father today in the early morning.

I loved him more then life itself.. And I always will... May God take care of him and love him the way he never understood on this planet.

He had no conscious... He was pathological.... He saw very little of him. He did not care about me. I meant nothing to him.. I loved him with all of me! Good by Dad!....
----

The Girl at the meetings was much more important then I thought or knew. I would have married her. I loved her so deeply. I pulled away from her. She tried to get my attention. I had a PTSD break and could not respond to anyone. I was not in reality.. It was hard, just showing up for meetings. She finally gave up, and one day she showed up with the town sociopath... I almost gagged.. I still don't know what to think about it.. She could see no difference between me and this animal, and she picked this animal.. He's no different then a rapist.

I pulled away from the fellowship surrounding these meetings and will not return, not after being lead on for months, just to be blown apart and sidelined by a sociopathic choice.

I know the girl had feelings.. I saw them. Im assuming she has PD problems.. The point is, she does not care about me or how I feel or if she ever sees me again.. So something is not right in my assessment of her. Im still seeing things through ross colored glasses. Im feeling, and those feelings are covering the truth..

I do not exist anymore for her, she is into her new boyfriend.. And this is a person I felt like marring. Thank God I felt those feelings and never acted on them. I have not looked at her or been around her for 2 1/2 months... I don't know if I will ever see her again. I refuse to be around people that do not appreciate my worth.

I am praying about her much of the day, as I am my Dad. As she has great serious meaning to me, and I must let her go. As I have already been let go. And God is directing things.. He never wanted me around her in the first place. I can tell this... Im not sure what to think about all of this except I need to keep forgiving, writing, and letting go until she is a stranger with no value to me. If I walk by her, it will mean nothing. She is nothing. And I have to get back to that, as she is already gone and has forgotten about me many moons ago... It makes things hard when Im on the other end of the stick.....
I am morning her because I believe she would have been my wife.. However, I used her to learn interaction skills and I made to many mistakes... Its better to practice therapeutic stuff on strangers your not interested in hooking up with.

I think in the next couple of months, I will be able to let go of much more stuff, thus, moving on. And she will be past tense.

One problem: I saw her soul. And she loved me. I know it.. or something close... And it has been hard justifying the termination of any possible encounters with her, because of such information. I knew several outburst of emotional love came from her. It caused me to question my negative views of her.
I have to let go of all feelings, work them through and understand they are for someone else. They have been triggered by this girl , they were never meant for her. I saw potential in her. However, you never assess your future on a personals potential., They can be 2 faced and have lots of potential.

I have to grieve everything as if she died... and is no more, and I have to get on with my life.

These kind of people, pull the rug out on people. They hurt people in bad aways, just as I am hurting right now... THey are criminal in nature it seems.. So, its best to purge everything and move forward.

Im bulking at the idea that I was over looked for someone else... That scares me a bit... And it is this blunt trauma and resentment that I have to get over.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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