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Consumer 6
Consumer 6
Posts: 1036
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1108)
- November 2020
Anxiety and dealing with the opposite sex
   Wed Nov 25, 2020 7:52 am
The work is over my head; but thats OK
   Wed Nov 18, 2020 8:35 am
Wont let the people I love into my life...
   Tue Nov 17, 2020 5:45 am
Social and feeling worthy
   Mon Nov 16, 2020 4:21 pm
Loving myself for real
   Fri Nov 13, 2020 5:15 pm
Moving onward
   Fri Nov 13, 2020 1:29 pm
And her vision keeps getting closer
   Wed Nov 11, 2020 11:19 am
On moving on and creating a new life
   Sun Nov 08, 2020 9:53 pm
Breaking the dating barrier
   Sat Nov 07, 2020 6:22 pm
Back to the drawing board with women
   Thu Nov 05, 2020 2:53 am
Changes are occurring; still isolated and lonely
   Tue Nov 03, 2020 6:13 am

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Mellowing; and idea of exploring the entrances to the gap...

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Aug 19, 2019 1:20 am

Im right at the edge; Im building up. Im getting all my flying equipment; Im working with the universe and seeing what direction will be given to me to unfold. Im a little kid depending on the adult who driving this bus... So far; the adult has been mindless and driving us in circles in the same forest for 50 years. So; Im wanting to go somewhere new. So; I must be part of the show for this to happen; but Im still scared from the past and that the bad people are their and their going to get me again... what they did to me; taking full control of me and making me a hostage ; like a piece a meat or a captive in my own country. And I have to keep talking about that until Im released from the dissociation of it. I go into dissociation at the core of this; flash backs; and I scream in pain from them; agony... Horrible. And I want to get through that lower level of flashbacks and dissociation. I get triggered so deeply; in so much pain...
Im working on it; or its working me; it takes over my mind completely; stuffs me in; like being stuffed in an oven.
Horrible; horrifying..
How will I work through this; its a nightmare i want to wake up from and be at home again; but theirs no home; I was stripped of my home; so I can never wake up; thats what the psychopaths were hoping for; complete annihilation of an innocent human being. And it was completed; but the psychopath does not understand the universe or God or source energy or Jesus; or anything spiritual; they know nothing of such things or the way the world really works; the energy that keeps it alive and growing; So; I grew back; over a long covert course of time; Im still in the process; in many cases Im still trying to stabilized through abusive years of over the top horror; that drown me in fear terror and trauma; leaving me a human cripple.
I have to work through; " human cripple" and become present to the child in me; thats the goal; the child of 4 to 9 years old; and continue from that place; and its already happened. In fact; many things have occurred that make me identical to the 9 year old in 1970; and thats a good thing; the things I; what I was doing as a child; but I've got hundreds more to learn if Im going to re establish my beginning identity. In fact; Im starting to naturally do them again and the opportunity for them continues to show up; As if God is putting those opportunities in front of me as I take a first interest in them; I take an interest with my heart committed and suddenly out of know where; an opportunities shows up; And it continues to show up.

Here is a strange example of things showing up lately; altho this was not from my childhood or related to my childhood.; It was from the universe connecting with the child in me; a manifestation; not a direct manifestation; well; I dont know what it is; but I do; its the 12 year old in me; he's focusing on new things to connect to; now that he has more personal power from the past.

Eminem; the rap artist. Out of nowhere; I wanted to listen to him; I was drawn to his music to his personality. And Ive never looked back; its been on full since; about 3 months. Don't know where it came from; but its internal... He is alive in me; one might say; as an artist. Don't know what happened; just happened. And suddenly Im biking down the street; several miles from home. I look down and their it is; a broken Eminem CD; And I had been thinking about him all day; I took the CD; took it home; washed it off; put it on the wall as an LOA souvenir next to a flute; another LOA souvenir..... He seems to be playing some importance in my life right now. I don't know. He's not the first; Their have been a few other celebs that caught my soul; or my soul caught caught up in them or what they were about or the music they were creating; God thing; I guess its a learning thing...
Im mellowing out just going through the gap. I have 2 sets of realities; the first is being tortured and thrown away; then many years of being de moralized and used and spat upon and much worse. completely erased.
So; I was forced to to move away from my neighborhood into a new neighborhood of filth and bad bad people; lots n lots of bullies; bad neighborhood. And Was bullied and confused and I had to give in.
So; Im giving in all the time.
Im being molested constantly and under sexual harassment all the time; like Im a girl being chased by a pedophile father. The psychopath that did this; sent me their didn't care; and knew what would happened; didn't care; in fact; probably planned it; and Im convinced the same people did things to me in ritualistic abuse from ages 0-3.

Now; the new reality; this is in the real world; not just my head; and its a strengthening reality and its developing...
Im back in my home town neighborhood; Im visiting their every day; and Im seeing ground I used to play on from 50 years ago; and Im right up next to my childhood house; I ride by it every day; and ride by the houses I used to visit. And the street I lived on and had Christmas on and thanksgiving; And every-time Im now on that street; I get a little bit stronger and stronger; because its as if I'm living their again; and the neighborhood is taking care of me again and allowing me to roam around and get stronger and stronger as if I live their. And this will go on until its so easy; I wont miss it anymore because Im their; In fact; the only thing that wont be complete is the me that was in the house 5o years ago; meaning the actual experiences I had in the house; in that house; my childhood house; but the universe is creating situations for me right now when I visit outside that house to simulate what I was doing 50 years ago; the kind of games I played; the kind models I built. the kind of footballs I through; the type of dreams I had about the future and the type of TV shows I watched; Many of these things are coming back into my life now; right now. many of them. In fact; they are flooding my mind as if I never left that area when young. And that is what ive been asking the universe to happen; because Im going to regain who I was in 1970 and build from their; a new story of my life.... Where am I right now; The child is re surging and re organizing and re remembering who he is and bringing out all the ventures of interest he had at the time; in 1970; and that is where my thoughts and focus go; meaning; Im free to focus and believe that is my past and no other... My past lasts up to 9 years old; then I " the adult" take the hand of the child within me and we create an all new reality for him...
Right now Im limited and stuck in finishing things; I am stuck to finish what I start; Im trapped in the past and stuck their; So; the goal is to work through the past; and come back to the present and be free and do what I want; and I dont know how thats going to happen. thats more powerful then I am; the universe will have to do that for me; move me along and work the past out so I have no more interest in focusing on it. that means I work through stuff of the past and the child wants to come into 2019 from 1969; a trek into the future; not the first time for that child; but Ive got to get more of that child up and present with me.
So; I dissociate completely a few minutes into trying something new that might be fun. I blank out and thats that.
So; I have my work cut out for me; Im not going anywhere; Ill get stronger; Im already getting stronger; and Ive been listening to the music of the late 60's and early 70's as if Im their; as if Im home. I was never able to do this before; it was all blocked out of dissociative disorder and horror. I was blanked out from the past; and would have stayed that way... That means my origin identity would not be apart of me and I would continue to be lost for the remainder of my life; but thats not going to happen...
So; I have work to do; cleaning up my pathways....
Ill keep writing about them as I go through it.

So; if I can get back to a solid ground; I will be able to keep developing and my inner being will lead me to the next place; and open up a social place; around newer more mature people. And thats what I want...
Im getting their; but first; 6th grade; seventh grade; eight grade; those 3 areas; and I can feel; even before this; 4th and 5th grade; so areas; and 3rd grade; it finalizes in 7th grade; and the deepest horror is in 6th grade; but more horror continues and continue and continue and gets worse.... breaking limits; and I have no one and no one knows me or cares what has happened to me; nothing; as if I never existed. So; this deep time period must be worked through; I must get to higher safe ground and then work on it knowing my safe and just watching re runs.
So; I have to keep working at this; rewriting new stories for myself.

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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