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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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March 19th

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Mar 19, 2014 4:02 pm

Fear of breaking through!

I was at a meeting today! it was and has been an interesting day! I have broken through with many people. Its crazy. I talked with or interacted with 7 or 8 people; real interactions. In order to pull this off, I had to be assertive and not worry about he outcome. I had to be real, in the here n now! and I got lots of responses.

One women was crying in her car. I talked with her or listened to her for about 20 minutes.

One women that I like; she started talking to me from the coffee area At the meetings. She did this because I started a conversation with someone next to her in the rooms. She chimed in! She wanted to know if I wanted a hug.

Pushing away people; I had to push people away when I was younger! I did not believe they cared about me! and it seemed that no one did! and they proved it with no remorse. And I think this story is important. They proved it with no remorse. IT was OK that I die so they could live as they wish. I think that is a good statement to describe a world with no conscious.

I had to push people away and I had no place left to go. The demons where in the the house I lived in and outside the side in the school yard and cities. I had no place of my own. I was being destroyed from within. I was being destroyed by a sick sociopath! children hater! child abuser, child murderer. Sadistic sycophant.

Im starting to talk about this past world in meetings. Its coming out funny! I have no better way to describe it! Nothing comes out normal when your trying to describe or express hidden feelings from the past; its very awkward. ITs effective over a long period of time. Its very therapeutic. And the grind must go on; the dirty work of grinding recovery!

I made a complete fool of myself in front of this girl tonight! but I communicated with her. I am coming of as shallow and scared and immature; just what women want! Bling! I will have to undo what I did. If I scared her, I will have to un-scare her!

I tried! and it is embarrassing. Self conscious fear over rides everything when Im talking to a pretty girl; its very hard. Im doing the best I can. It gets better when she is not a pretty girl anymore; she is just a person! Man that seems sacrilegious. That takes my child view away! I want to be saved by a pretty girl; I don't want to do the saving; I feel like a slave. Yet, I feel like a puzz if I don't

There is a difference; eyes reaching across a room looking at each other. Having a close up conversation is much courage then eyes across the room!

She tried to talk to me; I pushed her away and acted stupid! but Im trying! I don't think she is giving me credit for it! Its the best I could do! I just want to walk away from her! Yet, I would love to sleep with her! Im in a place of pure guts... and Im trying to face this!

Facing things with people;

It will take much practice to get close to people again! Im battling this stuff right now! Others don't seem to care or understand why Im acting the way Im acting! Its avery confusing time for me; very heart breaking from my past! Im having to relive and face a dead past, or a past of death!

Reality is stranger then fiction. It is hard to get to know someone; because of my past, Im afraid of rejection! its unbelievable. I think; all you can do is try. If you scare someone away, You can always try again tomorrow. You can always practice saying hello!

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Im still in fear! Im not sure how to keep controllers out of my life. Im not sure how to defend myself! How to react to people. I have to learn to stay away from people. Learn to get up and leave!

I have to learn to hang out with other people! well, Im not really hanging out with anyone right now!

Most of the people I know are in recovery world, recovery life. Its not something I really choose; its something that keeps me alive! Possibly at some point l would like to break out into something different!

I have to make decisions I don't want to make! Im not sure why, I feel like my back is up against the wall. That is how it feels.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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