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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- September 2019
One off the more nasty brutal parts of healing
   Fri Sep 13, 2019 4:52 pm
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Making me into a loser; its all about the critical voice

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Jul 04, 2019 6:08 pm

More n more; my abuse is about the critic that plays in my head over n over; re playing the same tapes. And thats what Im working on. I use a varied amount of 12 step groups for dual diagnosis; it gets hard; I would like nothing but CPTSD meetings at this point; millions of them; but their are non in my area. Im not up to managing one; One meeting is not enough for the reward Im looking for.
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Ive been lucky so far in meetings; Ive been able to go to my regular meetings dealing with addiction and talk about other stuff; its a mixed bag; Im always taking a chance; the doors are open; anyone can come in.
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Ive found; its not the hardened drug addict from the state pen thats the problem in the meeting; they are actually mature about things; its the middle class spoiled churchy people from the established local churches that are the real culprits; educated with good careers; they don't go by any rules; they break them all in public places; feeling they want to be pleased; and if they dont get pleased; they can control others into making sure they do get pleased; lashing out at anyone they feel like. This is simply outrages; and unbelievable; Ive experiences this lately and been shocked; its forcing me to find new places to create a CPTSD recovery environment. Its not easy; a gap resides between the little child and me and where to get recovery; so; I have to work with the universe for new people and places and things; it causes stress. Ill work on it.
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The problem; I find a place that appears innocent and nice; I assume this meeting will have structure; but something happens; the leaders turn out to be narcs or control freaks and thats the only reason their leading them; soon; more people like the leaders show up; and the nice people fall away and dont show up anymore. And I have to close down shop and go somewhere else for CPTSD recovery.
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So; Im working on it.
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The critical voice;
The critical voice is my parents telling me Im a loser and they will stop at nothing to prove it and make sure I go nowhere in life; because thats exactly what they did. In shock and horror and heartbreak and terror; I watched my nice innocent life taken away from me; stripped from beneath me. Im now trying to put it back to gather. I have to face those critical voices that want to slam me every-time I want to try something new or take a chance or re build my life toward something of worth or happiness. So; Im learning about critical voice.
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The critical voice is my parents; so I have allot of work to bust through this “ One” area; an area where my mother tears into me over n over n over convincing me from the day Im born that Im worthless and no good and will not amount to anything; over n over n over n over n over; and much worse things; and much worse words of complete horrible human hatred against the human kind; until I was debilitated to the point of being no more. Suffocated in a sea of trauma. and traumatic shock with no reprieve or outlet to any other world. I was drowning and over ran to the point of swimming in traumatic electrified shock. Suffocating in this poison with no remedy; no other side to help me....
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Im my mind I had plans; In reality; Im being destroyed and neglected day after day after day.
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So; theirs an anger and rage involved that takes me over; and I have to work through this.
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Ive got this place of self hatred; and its where Im vulnerable; and it has to do with what they did to me; that special place of not being loved or cared about by my parents and instead being sent adrift to die alone somewhere completely abandon. And then; when coming back or finding my way back from abandonment; No place is left recognizable. everyone has moved away; I no longer belong anywhere. and if I try to go live with these parents again; they claim they don't know me or if they are forced to take me in; Im not wanted as if Im a stranger or a second class citizen that can be used. And its this area; this last paragraph I just wrote that is the problem; causes great grief in me for it is a final blow that destroys my future and my life and my schooling and future relationships.
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So; in this grief and sadness; I have to learn to get this dissociative place cleaned out and start over; the problem is; its still in the dissociative realm. Its not present for me to dig out. I can see it in my mind; but its hiding in my nervous system.
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So; I want to express my inner feelings. and get them out.
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That critical voice has to be silenced or gone. the way Im starting to learn is through writing a script of my mother and father saying nice things to me; over n over n over; a different mother and father; its weird and probably should be done with a good therapist..
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Still; Im learning how to cool out that voice that says Im no good that makes me want to fight and destroy everything. Im trying to get me back somehow to a safe place and safe life and out of the horror of the unfortunate past; I dont want to relive that anymore; no reason; I want to go forward from where Im at; so; at least I know what I want and what Im looking for. Im still in the psych world of things; I haven’t graduated yet because Im not done yet with critical voice stuff. The goal is to be present and move forward with the things I like to do; things that make me feel good regardless of the past or influences from the past.
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I want to know what I want to do during the day; I dont want to spend my whole life on my mother; i want to be free to go do the things I enjoy doing; what was I meant to do on earth and go do it.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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