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Major anxiety based disorder: living again

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Jun 24, 2012 1:17 pm

What life has been like from the beginning.

Ritualistic abuse, then heading into 7 years with a father at home. 2 sociopaths countering each other, my mother and father. I had 2 brothers. From that, annihilation of the family system, I was destroyed. Everything was erased. Neighborhood, friends, school, way of life, home. More important, no more mother or father. My mother was not going to get stuck with the kids, my father was not going to get stuck with the kids. They dumbed us.... Then bullying and sexual abuse and hate living at my grandparents... moved away, attempted to reattach with a mother that had already betrayed everyone,. Their was no love there. I was treated as a second class citizen in my mothers new house hold. It rained everyday. I had tried to live with her once before, I flunked out of school at this new location. I was in trauma and could not function. Before that I had lived with my father for a while. I was forgotten and unwanted. Cruel task masters does not describe this. I was destroyed through abandonment and trauma. I was a throw away at that point. I was raped and killed by who ever else I lived with, it didn't matter to these original parents.. These parents tried to convey image. That is why I was allowed to live with them again. I meant nothing to them. I was alone..

I had a brief moment of popularity in high school. I fell in love with a girl. She was way out of my league. I didn't know this, she did. She had planed it that way. I was a sheep to the slaughter. I loved her and worried about her and cared for her. I was set up, groomed, and baited very slowly. Their was no one on the receiving end. I thought she was my best friend. The potential between her and I was from God. That is what I naturally thought. The reality was quit different. The reality was: I had no friend on the other side of the receiver. I was being set up to take a fall, nothing more. I was played. When I got on that boat for the last time and found myself, to fare out in that lake, from a distance, she pulled the plug on the boat, then claimed she never knew me or would have known me... I never saw her again. I was a smart lad who had already been through great trauma. Between the above, violence, a step father that was psychologically bulling me and a drug overdose, and the school system; A police force that was a joke. A social system that is a joke. my mind finally left and never came back. I moved out of their, I lived with my best friends family back in my home town. I thought they liked me, I was like family. I was safe. I was not. I was hated, and my best friend did not turn out to be a friend at all. I was mistaken, I meant nothing to these people. I was taken in on the idea it would help the son prepare for his first year in college. I was not wanted their either, more importantly, a strange new concept came up. I began to ask what was happening to my life, and why all relationships had abandon me, and continued to abandon me.

I stayed their until they thought I was living off of them. I was not. I was mentally in trouble. I was an honest decent person. No one cared. My mind was destroyed, the father of this house hold had mentioned this to his wife, that something was wrong with me, something had happened to me.

I was asked to leave. No one ever inquired why I was there in the first place. No one cared. I went back and lived with my Grandmother, and then again , back to my mothers house. by the time I was nineteen, it was almost over, my original family didn't care about me, who I was, what kind of potential. They had moved on with newer families. I was alone, thrown away and mentally ill.

My mind was ever breaking more and more. The loss of family, my original place of life, the girl that I loved, my first love. Loss of parents, brothers, best friend... My life was gone, my mind was gone,my nervous system was gone from the PTSD. No future, all potential was neglected. I ended up going to school, trying. I had no purpose or hope. Nothing!, not once did anyone ask me who I was or what had happened to me. It was as if I was erased from the human experience. I meant nothing to the world or any personal situation. If I lived it meant nothing, if I died if meant nothing. I wanted to die. I was being tortured by the world and by my mind.

When in the college system, It was empty and horrible. My mind was so crippled. I finished a degree at some point. for what , or in what area, for what purpose, it didn't matter, the pain of life wanted an end. Nothing mattered anyway..

I should have been hospitalized. I didn't know at the time.

I had no where to go and no purpose. My psych condition was worse. I didn't know what to do. I spent years in horrible insecurity and fear and delusions. At least 20 years.

I tried to work with my bother in a grocery store. That lasted a few years, I started drinking and later tried to kill myself. I knew at that point I didn't have much time left. and I didn't.
I ended giving everything away and going homeless in the park. I was diagnosed, put on social security and lived in a half way house for 2 years. I then moved into my first apartment on SSI. and again a second one. The one I live in now.

I started the 12 step system 15 years ago... From their I was re-diagnosed 100% Dissociative Disorder/CPTSD: all forms. AVPD. Psychotic clinical Depression. At the present Im down to the original Anxiety Disorder and general form of Dissociative disorder. I had a similar condition level to schizophrenia from the Dissociative Disorder. I was not traditionally Schizo, the DD was so high it was making me Delusional. I had always been delusional from the beginning. I had no memories and I felt nothing... I could not get close to people because of the DD.

Now, after years of work, a few small visited to the emergency rooms and the hospital stays. My mind has returned a bit to the present.

I am much better. my mind is damaged, crippled. It does not last long at any one thing,. A CPTSD brain daily brain drain. I keep trying. I have a relationship with God. A deep relationship. All ties from the people from my past are gone. They are and never were relations to me. They were fake liars, nothing more. They are very good examples of bad people.

The world is a zoo make up of raping monkeys. Throw a banana in the monkey cage and the arangatanga's will rape and destroy everything to get that banana. The problem arise when you look down onto your clothing and see the letters Banana written all over you. When that happens and that cage door shuts, its lights out..

What I want to accomplish and what it feels like, and the confusion of living in a prejudice society.

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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