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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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Vile hatred and anger.
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Loving someone

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Dec 17, 2015 6:44 pm

The number one thing you need in a relationship is to love the other person!

Ive had a first love! I loved her with all my heart! That is who your supposed to be with!

I read something the other day; a quote; Something like; the only person you're going to be interested in, is the one your in love with! Something like that!

Im not sure I understand relationships! What if you fall in love with a problem person! I did! And I can see God behind it! She was my soulmate; there is no question!

But she was a bit pathological like my mother! And in high school or 9th grade! I don't remember! She was going to have someone beat me up! Thats how she solved her problems!

But she was still my soulmate! I mean, it was all their! All of it! But she was dangerous!

I was supposed to love her and help her! I realized! I could not help her in the areas of pathology! She was sociopathic in certain ways! And she did not care!

I could have been the father and disciplined her! We were the same age! But something was wrong! I did not want to go out with a sociopath! And I did not want to deal with one! When I started to realize she had this bent! I gave up on her! Was that OK!~ or was that wrong! Ive never known! I wanted to stay safe, and I could not if I was around her! I did not want to marry my mother and be with my mother another 60 years!

But then I ask the question! Did I want to marry her! Yes,! I loved her! We would have been together for 60 years!

I did not know what to do! I did not want to go further! I did not want to grovel and explain myself to her! I did not like her anymore! I did not like anyone like this! I did not want to be around anyone like this! But she was my soulmate!

I did not have God to ask at the time; but I did! And I understood!

I thought she should have responded to me differently then she did! I pulled back from her! And she did not respond to it correctly!

Should I have gone to her! I did not feel safe! I saw her behavior and said no! The real question is!

Dear God, what did you want me to do?

Dear God, Should I have gone up to her house again and saw her and talked with her after what I saw?

God; " Omnicell" " Yes Omnicell, you should have gone back up to her house and talked with her" " she was not the problem" " you are ill mentally from being abused for such a long long time"! " You did not have the ability to go back up"! " and that is the problem" " Yes, there were other problems" ! " but your problem was the inability to go back up"! " you could not interact anymore with people" " you are getting more n more ill"! " I wanted you to go back up so you would break this barrier of AVPD" " you could not, so, you got worse, and then came to me" ' The girl; I had to let her loose! you were to sick to be around her"! " I know it was hard, ultimately Omnicell, it brought you to your knees, and on your knees you crawled to me"! so, either way, you did my will! and my will was to help you and get your attention! And it did"

So, I need the ability to respond! I honestly don't understand! I mean, I could have gotten hurt! But I got hurt anyway! She was my soulmate! I hope I find someone else just like her! She was perfect! She was perfect in every way accept being pathological in some ways!

I made excuses; she's to pretty, she can go out with anyone she wants; this wont last! She's got money and is going to an ivy league school! I don't stand a chance! Im about to fall on my face, not go forward in the world!

But I missed one thing! The most important thing! I loved her! That is what she never got! I held it against her for ransom! And God looked down on me and said; " what are you doing boy"!

And I am trying to understand why I held my love from her! And turn, and used it against her in a manipulative fashion! This was not someone I wanted to do this with! It happened like clock work anyway!

This is all PTSD related problem! Dr Jekyll, Mr Hyde; I turned on people I did not want to turn on; ive done this a few times! Ive watch it happen and I could not control its! I would shut down because of dissociative disorder! It's ######6 crazy!

I would turn on the people I loved as if I had another person in me with another set of beliefs and values! Split personality! Or a complete take over by an alter!

It's a defense mechanism! And it tells me Im right! And what Im doing is justified for self preservation!

Ive always been chicken and felt no good about myself! Ultimately I let this type of feelings dictate my choices! I was acting as a manipulative coward and running away! I pulled out! Pulled out early! I ran off! And this means its thought out! I did it, knowing what I was doing and not caring! But I did care! I was waiting for her to show me a sign! And no sign ever came!

How could I take care of her; impossible! If she was looking of someone to sweep her off her feet and take care of her! I could not! I had no money; I did not function! But I loved her!

And love was taking over! And then I let other stuff take over; how I looked to others and what they would think of me if I married her and was a bum! But I am a bum! I cant interact with anyone!

Self image! Self image over love; I don't think so! Its one or the other! And image is about how others view my ego and my worth!

Its possible, that after I dumped my first love; I could not go back! I did not have the character at the time to understand what was going on! I did not feel worth anything! I did not feel that I could keep up! I felt like I was eight years old! I felt horrible! I was no match for her or the people she could associate with; I was disqualified! I disqualified myself to keep myself safe! And not to loose face! But I lost the girl! And that is ######6 insanity!

Sanity; I have to look at my self image thing from my past! It might be the only thing I have left! Im trying to keep those middle class values I learned from my friends houses! But they are not working for me!

So, self image has to go!

I did not have this self image problem when I first met the girl! But then I stopped myself from going out with her! I refused! I would not go any further! And she wrote me off as immature! I never completed the task, and she simply waited, then moved on and wrote me off!

And I was ######6 pissed of about it! she was not suppose to move me onward and out of my life! she should have asked questions! taken chances too find out who i was and what was going wrong! she did not! she didn't try hard enough! and I took that as a sign against her! But looking back on it; she was sincere! She was waiting for me to make a pass at her and I did not! I rejected her severaL times! and I was ######6 furious that she did not know what this meant! it meant that I was the right one for her but she had to wait a bit until I could keep up! she would not do this! but she did do this! it through her off that I was not making a pass at her or making her into my girlfriend!

later I called her! 11 grade I think! and she was not interested! she had moved on and wrote me off as a fool!
.

So, I think I was trying to fix the problem between myself and my parents break up and abandonment of me! I was trying to take it out on her; reenact it through her! but she didn't know this! and never responded the way I needed her to respond!
.

So, Im trying to work through the massive split past; the area of the dissociative disorder and PTSD worlds that reside in front of me! Im trying to fix my past with my mother! and its a huge deep PTSD laymen mess! and Im throwing it on this girl that does not understand!

.
And Im not sure how to understand what to do! I dissociate and become the opposite of what I am now!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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