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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1025)
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- November 2019
Social skills improving
   Thu Nov 07, 2019 12:51 am
My goal is to work through adolescence.
   Fri Nov 01, 2019 9:16 pm

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Love

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Jun 04, 2019 11:05 pm

Im seeing something; the universe is revealing to me; When I was young; I was in a neighborhood; I wanted so badly to be apart of that neighborhood; It was so inviting; I saw it with love; as if it was my neighborhood my only neighborhood; it was my childhood. I saw this family and wanted them to love me or like me; I loved them; or I really liked them; but they didn't like me. In the end; they didn't like me and I left; and so the neighborhood wasn’t real to me anymore. It was empty and cold and not my own; for these people hated me; they never liked me; I liked them but they did not like me so I left. It is horrible; and it is painful; but i accepted it because Their was no doubts about it; it was presented to me; shown to me to get out; I was not wanted. As much as this hurts; their is closer and was closer; I am fully aware of how they felt about me; no issues; they never wanted to meet me; I never knew this. They never liked me. My heart was broken; broken for ever...
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I can see other institutions that did not like me; but Im having a strange time with closer.... and I don't like not having closer with these places; and much of the recovery work Im doing now it to gain closer from way back...
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And one of the most important issues; closer from the original people I came from; closer; I have no closer from the original family I came from; they didn't want me either; and right from the beginning Im seeing no one wanted me ever; and thats what created the dissociative disorder early on. If I made a friend in the neighborhood I came from; they would like me; the neighborhood would like me and Id be loved somewhere; that was the goal; but it never happened; no one liked me ever; didnt happen.
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Whats interesting; I can let go of the neighborhood and the family in the neighborhood that I wanted to like me; they didnt; its a great loss; but i can accept it.
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I cant seem to let go of my original family system that didnt like me; I mean; Im in denial about it; and cant let go; Im dissociating whole Im bringing this up; not sure why I cant let go; more evidence that they didnt like me; but I cant handle it; I cant handle it that I was not liked or loved their; but I do not know why; its to much loss. I can handle other things not loving me or liking me but do not know how to handle my mother and father not liking me or wanting me; and moving on; why cant I move on; why is their ego involved in my part of it why; fear? and why am I in denial about it; why cant I let go of it; what is it that they have; a part of me that I dont want to let go of; its fear; almost a brainwashing effect that something bad will happen to me if I let go of them; and escape; it scares me as I writing this.
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ive let go of bad people and places and things I was wrong about; its to bad; I did want to be loved but it did not happen; and i let go of it; but not these people; not these monsters; Im not letting go because Im in denial; if I let go ill die; thats how it feels; but I wont die; and I have to learn this and let go and move on.... The brainwashing tells me “ where will I go” “ Im all alone” but its brainwashing all of it..
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Possibly, probably, I was taught that if I escaped them I would die; so theirs to much fear surrounding letting them go; i would be destroyed if I let go of them and moved on; threatened with abandonment if I moved on; threatened with being convinced I had to need them or I would be to worthless to make it on my own; something like that; or told I was 2 worthless to make it on my own; yes, this is clearer; and this kept me house bound; kept me anchored to them; they made it that way; and then pulled the rug on me to see me drown helplessly. And I was an indoctrinated child; so I was fully destroyed and brainwashed.
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Yes; Im starting to understand what i have to do; I have to let go of them completely; they tried to hold me back; keep me house bound. they did not love me and I must move on; my brothers did not love me ever; and I did not know this until later; I must move on; I was not loved their; I have this feeling like I will die if I leave them I wont belong anywhere. and i m afraid of this; deathly afraid; as if Im 4 years old and need them; I must have been insecure at that age not really believing I was loved and needed to turn to other sources to survive. I have a fear of turning on them and confronting them; as if something horrible will happened to me if I confront them. I will be at a great life or death loss thats the way if feels. They are holding something of mine and if I dont comply Ill loose it; almost fear; a kind of blackmail.
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So; its really important that I grieve these people and move on and accept the pain of not being loved; Ive done it with other things; but seem to be dissociating when I write about these people and letting go of what never happened but what i wanted to happen; success with people and places and things; it never happened because they were never going to let it happen; they were watching the whole time and knew when to strike over n over n over; they created this misery for me and I must get out of it; I must learn to let go of all this and move on; not easy; its horrible confrontation; all of it; I was used and hated from the beginning and never knew this; i have to let go of these people and where they came from; all of it; grieve it so I can move on to something new that God has in-store for me.
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If I let go of these people; God will bring back things I always wanted back in my original life; but I got to let go of these people. I must; so thats what I work on; Im scared to death; more then death itself. I feel like I will loose a part of myself; all of me; I will be sucked into a back hole if I let go and go on my own... Its as if Im a kept animal; so, Im assuming I was indoctrinated with these ideas; I need independence; thats what I need; and to take my chances in the real world. And Im seeing more indoctrination from living with my Grandparents; same thing, man!
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IVe had other situations that I had to greave; in addition because no one loved me; I was not accepted or loved and in sorrow I had to leave. But I accepted that. I knew that; or did I; I can wince when I write about these people as well.
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So; I have allot of grieving and accepting to do concerning the horrible nightmare of the past. all of it; but i cant keep hanging on to it and Im made that a part of me wants to; Im dam and about it; I just want to let go and move on to something new that God has for me; and let go of all this; all of this; why am I in denial about having no love from all these places; I didnt and its time to move on from them; why am I having a hard time with this; the evidence is in; has been in; strange that somethings I can let go of and some things I wont or cant even tho they all have evidence that I was never wanted and never loved. I look into this.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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