April 2024
March 2024
The goal is to wonder why I did not respond to this women who was mirroring me. Possibly I know now. Possibly I was not in the social atmosphere of women. Meaning; women were not on my mind; having one women but I was not social; not women social.
This one women Im speaking of liked me and I did not respond to her why? well; I did not trust her; I did not like her; I did not feel safe or ease around her... I did not pity her I did not wont her; she was not safe... I felt that if I fell into her I would be taken advantage of. I would be destroyed; she did not have my best interests at heart. I was almost destroyed by her later. But that doesn't mean I couldn't go up to her and talk to her?
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We had a courtship; even if it was non verbal; it existed and when she brought another man into the picture; it was over with; I was devastated; just think what I would have been like if I had gone out with her. I would have been completely destroyed.
She still looks at me at times as if she is my wife or what ever; I just ignore it.. I ignore her. Im not even around her anymore and I can guarantee I wont be seeing her again for any reason; these women get stuck up and want to impress their girl groups so they find guys that build their status... I guess putting me in my place gave her status with her girl groups; it also guaranteed she would never be with an honest man of value like me; a man of quality... Stupid move on her part.
I guess. I lost out... Im hurting...
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Ive mentioned how I create soulmates; I bring them forth. Well; this girl created me in her imagination and I came forth to meet her. I was her soulmate. She recognized me from the beginning. But their were problems and I did not respond to her I did not trust her. Something about her; something was wrong... not safe.. I didnt feel safe... Something wrong. I ignored her completely; finally she stopped saying hello; Id had enough. a few weeks later another man shows up; and shes already giving men attention and she starts dating that guy and Im made a fool of... Im played into the ground completely.... Im assuming its a God thing to get me out of their. I never really did ever talk to her again. I ran into her the other day mistakenly; id only talked to her twice; basically in the same day or next day; back to back days; for a short time; maybe 5-10 minutes if that both times; 5 -7 minutes; and thats it. twice. In one year...
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I ran into her in the dark in a banquet room; I was praying and got up; she was coming through the door looking for chairs; she saw a shadow and stopped and realized it maybe me. She said my name; gulp in some air; turned around and left and that was that. I went back into the 12 step room; I sat across from her; we looked at each other for a few times; she looked at me with eyes of love; almost like a soulmate; almost; and that was that; I left; then came back in and got my phone and left. I saw her once again sitting a few seats away from me. But still nothing; I mean; no thanks; why would I take something less then I deserve; I was humiliated when she was with another guy; and forced to take backseat helpings on someone God brought me to connect with first; I dont think so;' God was protecting me; the universe; and got me out of their; in fact; I never started.
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Her boyfriend still harasses or bullies me in meetings; tries to intimidate every chance they get. The point is; God is trying to teach me something; I guess its to get me out of those meetings;. The universe has been trying for years but wont supply anything else; anything new. Nothing; doesn't make any sense; non of this does. As for the girl; she was suppose to be my soulmate. But that was destroyed. ive noticed with these type of women; as soon as I start to maybe ease up a bit to take a chance with them and maybe seeif it could work; suddenly without warning their with another man right then at that moment... Is this a by chance; no; its planned; the women now exactly what their doing and with whom; she saw me; she knew I was going to make a move at some point... And was waiting with another man to bring him in at that point. Sick worthless filth... Its a game for them; thats why I never dated her; some how I could sense thats what was waiting for me. They have no respect for me.....
So; I have to work with God on the truth and keep working at this until Im in the realm of real women I guess and can meet some nice women... quality women; safe women... Decent women; I mean the way they treat people and honer people God has sent them. Im not talking about how nasty they are in the bed room; the nastier the better...
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Im mad of course that I was set up by this witch... Why me... Did I manifest her. for what purpose. sucks...
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Ive been thinking; " did I manifested" Maybe not; I mean; maybe it wasn't me. Maybe I was just in the room at the same time... and Im just watching and it was never about me... I didnt exist in a sense. I was just observing.
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Still havent answered the question;; Ive been avoiding it. I didnt feel good enough about myself; I told myself I didnt have to; I felt like I was a kid protected in my house as a child and didnt have to do anything; I had a mother and father and went to a grade school and I didnt have to do anything. I had everything I needed; I didnt need her. meaning; I was back in childhood again; I had flashback...
But thats not the problem; the problem was; I liked her; and I wanted to avoid that; I didnt like that I liked her with all my emotions because I did like her with all my emotions. She used that later against me and I figured she would. No way to trust her; thats how I felt and I was right. In fact it was much worse then I could have imagined. Thank God I never dated her. but it really doesn't answer the question; or maybe it does.
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Who am I looking to date?
Im looking for a specific kind of women in the middle class that is safe and I havent been around those people; they are far removed from me; God has brought me other women that like me that I cant deal with or give a chance to. Or; I believe they are being brought to me.. Maybe they aren't.
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This women; I ignored until she finally stopped talking to me; a month later she was being hit on by another guy in front of me and it devastated me. I guess I liked her I just wanted everything to be safe and it never was; I was devastated without ever going out with her; she was never safe and could care less. She didnt care about me or what happened to me so; I continued to ignore her.
I think God is allowing me to see this for what it is slowly unraveling this insanity of dealing with this person. But I thought I had a soulmate; Im not sure what I had. I had someone attracted to me; that was all maybe. The point is; it didnt work. Im not dating someone like my mother; she was exactly like my mother... Im trying to work with God to get away from all this...
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Im also seeing more simple; she was a chick in a meeting and she saw me and wanted to date me; I didnt so she moved on to someone else and I saw her again recently and ignored her and so she ignored me and moved on... I mean; something as simple as that...
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I seem to be transfixed on this chick... deeply on her; staying away from her... Its a strange kind of reversed obsession. The obsession to stay away from her at all costs... that kind of thing. So; Im definitely triggered. But why could I go up to her and talk to her; I didnt have anyone covering my back... I had nothing and no one.
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I could have went out with her before all of these problems; but I for saw all of these problems. I could not trust her. Should I go talk to her and tell her how I feel? Why! After all the violations I saw. Should I have gone up to her and told her about all of her behavior that I saw; why? She wouldn't care; she knew exactly what she Was doing. Was I the only one she liked; Maybe; but she didnt mind giving other men attention all the time when I wasn't; she moved right on with other men until she found one that wanted to date her. And later she gave me some attention when I was up close to her. So; who knows.
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As for soulmates; I dont know; Ill work with God on all of this...
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But non of this really answers the question; why could I have not walked up to her and talked to her on the spot when I thought she was mirroring me.. Could I have talked to her; no why! mainly about how I felt about myself. Something was missing from my confidence.
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Something was missing from my confidence; thats what I could not walk up and talk to her.
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