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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- July 2019
Coming back into the present
   Tue Jul 16, 2019 2:32 am
Im extremely frustrated
   Mon Jul 15, 2019 11:14 pm
Fining myself or facing myself
   Mon Jul 15, 2019 8:39 pm
Im beginning to understand
   Sun Jul 14, 2019 3:30 pm
Visualizing
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 8:28 pm
Starting from the beginning
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 3:35 pm
The trap house part 2
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 3:13 pm
The trap house; I only knew about; In the end I win
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 1:15 am
Massive Mega paradigm shift
   Thu Jul 11, 2019 3:01 pm
First post recovery conversation
   Wed Jul 10, 2019 9:55 pm
Dating and Art
   Wed Jul 10, 2019 4:44 pm
movement
   Tue Jul 09, 2019 5:56 pm
childhood abandonment
   Mon Jul 08, 2019 3:23 pm
Being single
   Mon Jul 08, 2019 3:53 am
Preview: PTSD; High School
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 10:31 pm
Fear
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 4:34 pm
Ive found some answers
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 12:41 pm
D.I.D; let me introduce myself
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 12:23 pm
PTSD; dealing with triggers.
   Fri Jul 05, 2019 5:32 am
Making me into a loser; its all about the critical voice
   Thu Jul 04, 2019 6:08 pm
Molding sound like clay; having reasons; Things are changing
   Wed Jul 03, 2019 4:25 pm
critical voice
   Wed Jul 03, 2019 6:38 am
Toxic shame
   Tue Jul 02, 2019 11:05 pm
Ive found some answers
   Tue Jul 02, 2019 7:59 am

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looking back at relationships!

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Sep 13, 2018 2:38 pm

So; I was thinking about my first love and what went wrong. My only goal is to fix this; fix what happened here; that is my life work! that is the primary objective of my recovery process relationally speaking!
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So; Ive noticed; first; I created the relationship! It worked; God was with me! I took this girl under my wing; I liked her and wanted to care about her and love and I did! and then I turned on her! When I turned on her; she did nothing wrong; and I did not want to turn on her; I deeply wanted to marry her and be with her for ever as it should have been! What happened? I created a negative set of beliefs about the world around me and tried to apply it to her! I was over my head as a human being; I could not function in the outside world; I had arrested development and could go no further! I would not go further! what I needed to do in a perfect situation; I could have told her all of this! and moved forward with her! why? I loved her! because of my genuine love for her; I should have! but I could not! I really couldn't! or would not! I would not; and I lost her!
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One interesting question; if I loved her; why would I want to see her in pain! From the part of me that loved; I would not; but another personality in me took over; an antisocial personalty form took over and all people were my enemies! However, This could not apply to the girl; she had proven herself!
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Since the girl had proven herself; why did I turn on her! I was running away from something and trying to blame her for it! I was blaming everyone for everything! I was in pain and scared; but blaming her did not work! it backfired! She was innocent! and I had loved her; in fact; if I had gone forward with things; I would have worked my way out of my situation and had a new relationship! I would have moved forward; but I couldn't; it was not enough! I needed outside help! I through away the girl because I thought she was the enemy like everyone else; she would not help me or care! However, in doing so; I through away the fact that I loved her and I was suppose to honer that love! And that is the most important part of this story; about honoring the love I feel for someone! it would have been the hardest thing in the world to do! I should have done it! The love I felt for someone and the problems I was having in my life are 2 different things! and they should have been separated; because they were separated! they were not the same thing; how would one get brought in to the other! why? unless I was purposely manipulating the situation! I was manipulating the situation; why? anger and hatred toward the system that had destroyed me when young and that I had no support and was falling by the way side and no one cared and I could not sustain my life alone! I turned on everyone; blaming everyone for what was happening to me; but it didn't work with this girl!
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My biggest fear with the girl; she would find out I was not what I appeared to be! I was not the solid guy that took her under my wing! I was not the confident person from down the street with a normal upbringing! My upbringing suggested I should have never been round her! I was not in her league! If she had known about my upbringing I would have never known her! But I did not her and I did love her anyway! and she allowed it! And I did not know what would happen with her until I told her about my problems! And she would have not cared; I loved her! I would have been ashamed and shown to be a liability around her; a dtysfunctioning person! This was the fear! In reality; I would have shown the truth; I was completely dtysfunctioning; but I loved her! and I did not have the guts or strength to stand up for this!
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I wanted her to save me! I wanted to pull away from her and then watch to see if she came back; or watch to see how she responded to me! Whats interesting about this! why would I need to put her through this; she never abandon me in the first place! She was already dedicated to me! she was my soulmate!
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Here is the point of this essay; I still hate her guts! still see her as the enemy! And at the same time; their is no evidence to hate her guts; its being ran through a filter to protect me! In reality; she had done nothing wrong up to that point where I switched on her; switched personalities!
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Later she would turn on me! and I would blame her for that! " see, I knew she would not come to my rescue; she is worthless just like everyone else, and I can prove it; she never came to my rescue and I dont undersand"! Possibly I was right! She ends up being like the rest of the stuck up world and I want nothing to do with her! However, why was I around her in the first place; love! I loved her! what happened to the love! and thats the most important aspect of this essay! what happened to the love!
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I loved someone and was extremely happy; and then I turned on myself; I dislocated the ability to love and turned it on to hate! I displaced the love for someone and hated instead! I brought out my hard and anger! the question is; why? and the question is; then what do I do!
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I did not want to take responsibility for the overwhelming shame of my situation; so I tried to blame it on the girl and then run! Ok; Ive admitted it! not the first time Ive talked about this subject! The question is; what was I suppose to do and why couldn't I do it! I was suppose to follow through with her! if that happened; I would have been exposed as a person going nowhere in life! a loser going nowhere! I would have had to look at my own life and would have come up short with answers! she would have moved forward with her life in society; and I would have had allot less and nothing to compete with! I told myself that she could get the top of the group as for as successful men; I was at the bottom; I assumed she would get rid of me or not appreciate me! The reality was different! she already appreciated me regardless of what of how I functioned in society; she would have never left me! And that one point " she would have never left me"; this is what I must work on! I throw away my future!
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Hurting others! In my story I never mention what this did to her! is all about me being the victim; and this bothers me! If I loved her like I did; why would I not care how she feels or that fact that I led her on and abandon her! How could I; how could I do this to someone I loved! This is completely on the other side of the personality spectrum! Insanity! I suppose one could say I had personality disorder; fine; it fits! However, and really? This is why I allowed myself to make her out to be a stranger and then spit in her face emotionally speaking and hurt her; turn on the very fabric of the human concept of relationship or love! Most importantly; I abandon her! Why do I not feel anything; I see her suddenly at that time with depersonalization! before this; I did not see her with depersonalization! My mind began to distance myself from her; I began to judge her as being like everyone else; I became paranoid of everything and everyone; not trusting anyone or anything! No one in the world cared about me at a foundation level and so I through all things away; I just wanted to go home; but their was no home! I had no foundation! and when I realized this or found out about! I flipped in the other direction; and I flipped out on her as well! I told myself that she didnt love me and no one did! Their was no on my side! the fact was; she was on my side! And thats whats got me bugged to this day!
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I was able to love someone; and then I pulled away and loved no one; I hated everyone! So; 2 different personalties! I trusted myself and I trusted the process when I thought I had a foundation going on! when that foundation came crashing down; I pulled away from everyone and everything! However, in this girls case; she actually liked me and did not know about what was going on! She never turned on me! She was safe; and I cannot handle that because Im not in control! that was 2 much power given to her! she could hurt me! I would have to depend on her completely; her love; it was all I had! However, I didnt have to curage to do this! I would have taken a chance and depended all on her love! She wold have never turned on me; but I didnt! I throw the opportunity away!
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Later; She turned into a stuck up b_tch on me; like everyone else! it was as if I had never met her; she wrote me off as a weakling and a fool and I never saw her again! she ended up with a rich guy going to an ivy league college! I was a forgotten token; as if I had never existed! should I have gone after her!
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I tried to calling her several times; she was stuck up and refused to associate with me; as if I was a loser going nowhere! I was not in her league! the truth was; I could have gone up to her and put her in her place and married her anytime I wanted to! I had forgotten; I loved her and she had done nothing to me! All of the problems started after I created a problem!
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I desperately needed her love; I needed someone to love me! and she was gone and I had created it for her to be gone! I told myself; " I gave her a chance to come back to me and she did not take it"; In reality; she had never left me! I created the problem between the potential to have her! I did not follow through! I could have; within the next couple of years; gone back to her and restarted things; but I never did! I called her and told her how I felt; many years later; I was laughted at! she was already with her future husband!
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Was I right or wrong! After talking to God! God made it clear; I was in the wrong! I loved someone because God had brought up together! and I should have honored that first! If, after bringing with her with her understanding of my problems; if then she wanted nothing to do with me; then I could leave! and she would have never left me; I loved her with such strong force; she would never left; ever! and that is the problem!
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" She would have never left ever"; that statement is the privet point of my problems! I had success in the palm of my hands and through it away because of the existent of throwing it away! Suddenly I felt the horror of what I had done and had to much pride and would not admit what I had done! it was to much for me! and I ran off instead of going back and loving the person!
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When I got hurt at the time I was around her; I never looked at her or anyone else the same; ever again! I wanted nothing to do with anyone from this society! I wanted nothing to do with people that were rich or stuckup; I didnt care; i wanted nothing to do with them; I did not trust them; including her! The problem was; she had done nothing wrong! even if later; after I turned on her; she went back to being stuck up! that was not my business! I should have continued through with her! I thought I loved her! why would I put her through this!
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The point of these essays is the future not the past! Im not trying to figure this out to get her back; Im trying to figure out how to have enough trust with others to get into new relationships!
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Im trying to break the old mold of hating everything with a or wit hout a legit reason and get back into loving people and basing my relationships on loving someone! This is horribly hard! Love vs being right and feeling safe! its all so hard for me; all of this! I want it both! I want to love and feel safe!
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I claim the girl would have knifed me in the back and would have been untrustworthy because of her background; she would have turned on me because she was from a specific background; that was my excuse; hOwever, she would have not turned on me! she would have not! I loved her; she would have never left; and this is whats bugging me so much; these differnt beliefs that run my life!
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This is also effecting my ability to have sex with anyone! Same thing! Same set of problems! fear! Dont trust anyone! hatred! I dont want some worthless filth in my life! I dont want some sociopath masquerading.
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Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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