I was at a meeting tonight. A recovery meeting on Saturday night. As I get better and better I really dont fit in and I really dont have any friends unless I try to fit in.
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Ive done very well surviving all these years; fawning; fitting in; faking it until I make it. imposter syndrome .... what ever it takes,.
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But if I pull away from everyone and go to the corner; how may of those people will come to me. None. Tonight proved it. I decided to just sit in the corner alone behind the baby grand piano in the big banquet room... 45 people? in a circle... I spoke; said my usual spiel. Who came over afterward; no one. Why? no value.
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Ive used those rooms to survive and survival is what I got out of it but its getting me nowhere accept loneliness; Im not suggesting I cant still use it for its intended purpose; but Im not going to find a wife their. Im trying to make a point.
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Tonight I realized; Im not one of them. They can take me or leave me. They dont care if they ever see me again. They really dont and they dont need me. if I dont get inline with them and I leave; they are like; they will find others that will fit in with them; but I got this feelings tonight. They are not me; they are not like me or my kind. They are only thinking about themselves; they are getting their needs met. They dont need me; I dont exist... if they never see me again; they wont even blink an eye; they dont need to. I do need to; Im a human being and I will blink an eye if I dont see someone ever again; it will mean something to me.
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The journey to create Art agains; took 35 years but I did it. non of it was fun. I could not move for 35 years; but then I continued for the last 3 of it building in the recovery process; then the last 3 months and working with God and the laws of attraction; Think and Grow Rich; Napoleon Hill; Non of it easy; but it happened... It meant I over came that wall that so many never over come. And if I wont to continue with Art; Ill have to over come the next wall. The same will be with Music creation and with dating. non of this is going to be easy. Im attempting to over come a dissociation wall; not fun... it is what it is. I have a massive wall of hatred and negative thinking slamming me with negative outcome voicing. To over come this is to over come this; God has shown me a way; nothing is easy; and thats the point; how bad do I want this goal; keep at it...
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Tonight I saw three beautiful women against the wall with 20 other people; these were all important clic women of importance; status within the group. All three wanted to marry me; go out with me; date me... I never would. They are not my type. I walked away from them; they are to manipulative for me. I think God had me in their to experience the things I needed to experience so I could slowly get better from my mental illness. but I think something happened tonight to show me its time to set goals outside that place and meet new people because these are not my people,.
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im not suggesting anything is wrong with them; but they are like one giant clic I dont fit into. They are not my people and they dont care what happens to me. I might fantasize that I have a position in the group; I dont. that was made clear tonight. If I died tomorrow; I would be a faceless nameless person in the paper they might have thought of once or twice. they are 2 busy thinking about themselves...
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I want to be around people that are smart enough to see me with status who dont want to loose me because Im valuable. one if the biggest features ive seen in nice people; they dont want to loose me. I mean something to them. These people in this group; they may be really nice people but they just dont see anything in me; nothing; its like Im not their.
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Heres the point; you can make apples recognize oranges when all they think about is apples and thats all they've known or want to know. The problem is; whats an orange doing in a room full of apples. Ive got to leave and find my own people; And so Ill work with God on this. this doesn't mean as recovery people; something is missing; nothing is; for recovery its great; but lots of these recovery people spend time with each other... But not me. They dont have to spend it with me; its not part of the requirement; Im just saying Im alone in the recovery process; Ive got a few friends from all the meetings I go to; but Im not a socialite...
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The point is; looking back over my lost broken throwaway life; God got me into the recovery process; Im glad. I mean; its saved my life; but it doesn't mean Ive got close socialite friends; I dont. So; if I want friends; Ill have to learn what kind of people need or want or value me as a friend.
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I did hate someone of the women in those meetings; I hated them for liking me because I couldn't do anything with them; I didnt exactly hate them; I hated myself and I hated them and I hated God and ....... Frustration. But now I can see it; I can see; God put me into a protective situation where I could learn and experiment with other broken people in the recovery process; its all in house; I make a fool out of myself in front of women for being scared of them or ruptured personality that is exposed... Whats the difference; no one will care what they think. I will have learned and thats whats happened; but I cannot depend on those people for personal relationships; They've tried to get close to me and it didnt work and it never worked. Im different.. I need a different set of people outside of their for that kind of thing and I dont know where that is... Ill work with God on that,. but it sure was lonely tonight.
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