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https://www.psychforums.com/blog/OMNICELL/loneliness_b-3289_sid-60cfe5cdc755833cec071d7c3fa0917b.html

Author:  OMNICELL [ Tue Sep 04, 2012 1:48 am ]
Blog Subject:  Loneliness

I have Dissociative disorder... 100% diagnose... I could not work... I was based schizophrenic; the dissociative disorder had gone on for so long, so hardcore that I was Schizo from it... Delusional.. I was in very bad shape... I would have stayed that way, however, Im a ######6 Tank, So.... I work on my recovery through 12 step work,. therapists, Psych groups; Anything I could find... I work the 4th step on resentments over and over and over... I work on several times a day....
Im on my knees to God all day long... 30 times at times... I drop when ever I need and pray.. Im not a muslim... I pray much more then they do.. God is a tool for my survival. I take everything to the Universe.
I belong to a church... Very small middle class small town... I have a payee...

God has been helping and directing me for a long long time...

Im judged by the locals all day long... They don't like me because Im not working...

Women like me... However, I haven't dated in a long long long long long time... Dissociative disorder and PTSD made it impossible to allow others to get close to me.... I was to ill to date, and I thought I would stay ill.. However, Things are changing...

I am way better then I could have ever dreamed... My condition for 30 years, especially the first part of it was death.... My mind was gone... Things have gotten way better in the last year.. in the last 2 years... Especially recently as I am learning to let go of mother father bond...

My mother was a very sick demented person... I allowed her sick demented condition to rule what I thought about myself.. I am no longer allowing this to happen... I will take care of the child within me.. I do not need her help or her memories... I never knew the person anyway.. she had always been a sociopath the whole time I was around her... Its time for her memories to pack up and leave... This is a very hard thing.. Im not trying to make lite of it... I know what its like to let go of PTSd world and come into the present.. Everything has changed...No more neighborhood or friends or schools or plans or anything... no more family system... All is gone now...that was 30 to 40 years ago.

I will have to trust God as I make the change over; as I let her go... I will not be coming into a similar present as I had as a child.. However, I will be able to reconnect with others.. Im healing and anything is possible... yet, not passible quit yet... Still have plenty of work to do...

Bringing women into my life; not yet... Im getting there.. Im a bit scared... I don't really have anything... Ive done great on a personal level with myself... Im afraid a women would try to change me and never accept me as I am... That will not work.... I don't like explaining Psych stuff to people... defending my position when it is my psych condition Im talking about...

I will prepare. My future will not be with the help or guidance of the old family system... No one will show up to give me a pat on the back...! I will never have the experience of a mother to talk to about my feelings.... If I can handle that... I will readjust... I can do that.. It will be painful... Im tougher now in new ways, different then I used to be.

I have a mind 10 times weaker then the people around me, and they don't know it or see it... My mind will not get better.. The surrounding personality will get better... My relationship with God will get better. recovery will get better. My willingness will get better.....

Lonely is defined as coming into reality with no security fixtures to fall back on ... none that are apparent or in the ready mix. This is OK... Im used to the idea that the world I came from was not real... The people were people I chased. They never came to me.. I wanted it so bad: they needed to be what I needed them to be for my security...

The family system I came from were monsters.. Its that simple.. They were sociopaths... The goal is to never go around them... never see them as worth anything... to erase them from my existence and memory... Get as fare away from them as possible.. This will take work.. Im half away there...

Ive been talking to people for the first time with closing statements... Simple things like " have a nice day" this is very difficult for a broken dissociative person... Im slowly getting better.. I don't know what to think of it...

The transition from where I am and reconnect with the present is going to be a rough one... Not horrible.. Just rough; much like the rapids on a river...



Comments

Author:  jilkens [ Wed Sep 05, 2012 2:52 am ]

Just wanted to drop a line and say that your blogs are a testament to how strong you are. Keep working at it, Omnicell. You are an inspiration.

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