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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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Loneliness

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Aug 27, 2018 8:42 am

Ive noticed my blogs getting allot smaller.
im learning to confront more and getting closer to the point of what I desire; m more goal directed and less general venting.
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I suppose what ive done through the years is fight off loneliness! Part of the 12 step experience was to have a place to go to belong; Im tired of it; belonging to such a place! I would rather have allot of money and know new people! I would like an easier life with some security! Ill have to talk to God about this! about what that means;
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life for me is like looking out a class jar; poverty keeps me from what I want or believe in! Im afraid it will be taken away from me so what is the use! However, Im learning about resistance! and how it plays negative games with the mind; telling me I cant have what I want or Im not worth it; kind of a negative brain washing that is not real; its false; meaning, its sending an absolute message of negativity! I know better now; Ive studied to much success based business thinking and no longer believe this; However what I have to believe is that my ruptured mind can be bi passed through the universe and I can get what I want! Ive believed that my trauma based ruptured mind is keeping me back from my good; maybe its not; maybe its all in my head!
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Loneliness is what drives me on to situations that are compromising! Im around people that dont appreciate who I am; but at least Im not alone! Im not sure how to be around the right people yet! Im learning how to work the laws of attraction to bring about the right people in my life; I have allot of resistance!
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Im trying to work my way out of the people Im around into a new way of life; a richer more upscale group of people and places and things; more based on success!
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Ive not believed; thats the problem! and now Im forced to confront this! the problem is support; Im a sensitive person that needs support! I have to work with the universe for this family support to show up; However, when it shows up; I have to be ready to take it; so; I have a manifesting problem; To manifest that I can get to a higher level!
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Im spending my whole time on earth preparing for the next day because it gives me hope for the next day. Im not living; I dont have enough money to live or enjoy my life! Im a decent person; any decent intelligent person wants enough money to live and enough friends and a wife or girlfriend; not to be alone; its only normal! Im missing allot of things from my life that is normal to be happy!
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I have allot of changes to make to my life if Im going to get a life out of this deal! I must keep working with the universe to change!
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This is a lonely hard time right now i specific ways; Im trying to manifest an Asian-soulmate! The problem is; Im running away when she shows up; Im chickening out! Regardless why! and its all past rupturing to my personality and PTSD: I have to bring her into my life anyway; ive got to try! Im not sure why Im mad and stopping! A part of me never wanted to be in this situation in the first place! I wanted something better for myself! Now; I feel like a drop out trying to learn how to drop in again!
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Im doing better then I used to; but still lonely! So; I dont get it! I must get better and get around the right people! I have to work with the universe on this as a giant manifestation; I think it can happen!
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Ive dealt with a lot of creepy people!
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I dealt with allot of sincere women that liked me; but non of them took care of their children and didnt understand why they should have to! and they put themselves before their children! Thus; I learned from them; if they are willing to put themselves before their children, then they are willing to put themselves before me! They might act like they like me; but in reality; they are snakes with no conscious; but they put on a good act! I do believe they needed; they had love they thought they would find in me; but sooner or later; after seeing how they acted toward their children; I walked away from them and did not want them around me! I cannot understand people who have no concept that a child needs a mother; how could this be they dont underhand this! they can abandon their children and act like they are the ones getting abandon! They act like their children will be taken care of; why would someone think this; they dont have the common decency to understand that a child needs their original mother; come on; are you serious! Ive found the same kind of women flirt with many men while desiring one specific man! To bad; cant have it both ways; seems these women want it all ways! They want me; but they want to treat me like Im a dumbed down version of manhood so they can manipulate me!
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Ive see intelligent women not want a man with problems! I have problems! Im a decent human being who needs to be around decent quality women! Im starting to understand that I cant be around all women; I can only be around quality women; people that are nice to me! people that are decent! This is very hard for me for I do not have the money to go with it! Ill have to work with God! I dont like being judged by people!
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If I could just get back to reality and admit what I want and start learning how to believe I can have it and not give up! I come from a brutal background of being thrown away!
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Im around allot of corrupt people that want to look good; status is all they care about! and this might work at first; its better to be around people then to be alone; but this wont last for long! and the holes in this fence are starting to show up!
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I have to work with the universe for the right people to show up! and thats been a problem! I have A past of dealing with psychopaths and regardless of what I might be thinking; I have the resentments of dealing with psychopaths and at times; it seems; thats what I attract; those type of dangerous people! So; I have allot of work cut out for me! ITs been the same for women; Im attracting the wrong ones; I guess Im to scared that I cant live up to the outside standards of the women I want to be around or date; this how it feels! We will see!
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One other area of manifestation is music; I have allot of resistance; Im trying to get back to a place that I own my own creative interests; meaning; I create music because I love it; no other reason; and let it develop! However, it feels like the molesters of my past own me and my musical mind! they own my entire body! However, I was able to break through with art; lets see if I cant use the same techniques and break through with music and writing stories!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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