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Living in an 8 year olds world

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat Oct 13, 2018 11:11 am

I stopped growing when I was pulled out of my house at the age of 10; I began to see the bad things going on when age 7! and finally at age 9!
The rupturing occurred when I was pulled out of my house at the age of 9 or 10.
If you were to step into my my mind; Im reliving as if 4-9 years old continually; as if I never left my childhood home or neighborhood or school or the friends I made at that time!
In reality; I believe I was never older then 4 years old or less! For I was dealing with trauma during that time period and before!
I remember not growing from first grade onward! I remember being scared of some of the teachers; I could see through them; all of them! Later I would go through some abuse by them!
I remember being in the second grade; I remember having to write a paper for second grade! I remember how dumb it was! I remember not having any help from anyone and not doing it correctly! I remember being treated badly by that second grade teacher! physically lifted up against a wall and yelled at! This moment gave rise to the understanding that I was not being taken care of at home; their was no one at home; their was a home tho, and that I would depend on! The physical home was more important then those in it; and the neighborhood; it gave a stability! However, the psychopaths were watching this! they knew; and they knew when to strike!
Note; later in life; at the age of 14; when I fell in love with this girl; I turned on her when she trusted me; just as my parents had turned on me; I could not help it; I abused her as they had abused me! it took me over; my mind over; I could not go any further and help her! because of this act; I never came around her ever again; I did not know how to face her after doing this creepy thing! I lost her! She trusted me fully; and I thought she should, but I turned on her and ruined the possibility of a relationship! She never came back; I never came back! I turned on her as if she was the enemy; and sooner or later would be the enemy regardless; even tho, she wasn't! she was not my enemy; she was my trusted friend! I had built that trust and then I secretly turned on her once she gave me that trust! So; I was no different then the predators that did me in! I did her in physiologically and emotionally and spiritually! And I have to learn to understand this! I went back; went back to 8 years old!
I was attacked by the psychopaths psychologically, emotionally and relationally through terror of relational aggression! Later; I will be in situations where its economical terror and sexual terror; continually being put into situations that harm me against my will; over n over n over until I loose my mind and my nervous system goes out on me!
Today; after being damaged; Im trying to understand how to live!
Im in my home town; if I can call any town a home town after what I went through! Im a block away from the street I grew upon; I used to live on the street I grew up on; lived their as a adult!
My mind is in a perpetual state of being 8 years old! its the center of my mind; its the only reality I know. Any reality in the present is to hard for me! its to much cold reality; I have nothing in the present!
Creating something new in the present; Im trying to create something new in the present! Im very cautious; I dont trust anything!
Im learning to trust the universe and learn to allow the universe to bring me things that are good for me!
Ive done quit well with my success based LOA training! However, Now; Im working on relationships! a most harder animal to deal with! How do I trust! who do I trust! The universe brings me people; can I trust them?
Im working my way out of PTSD from the past; Im doing this through visualization of focusing on only what I want for my future; Im focusing on something for a long period of time; in addition, Im focusing on a new surrounding in my head or in my brain or mind; Im trying to focus on the room im in right now! in the "now" when Im visualizing; being present while visualizing for the future! Its hard scary work! I dont get to depend on having a past!
The past is my identity! if I let go of the past; the memories of the past; what do I have in the present; thats the fear; or the brainwashing inflicted on me as a child! Im attempting to work through it!
Its the hardest thing; letting go of the past and being present in this room now; I see this in my mind! it is helping to create a new reality for me; to trust a new reality can be created and I can live in this new reality! Im working on everyday!

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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