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OMNICELL
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more changes ahead.
   Sun Dec 01, 2019 4:49 pm

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Living in a small town with dissociative disorder

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Apr 13, 2018 8:59 am

One problem with dissociative disorder; Im messed up and think I know what other people are thinking about me! In reality, How people actually see me is not how I see myself! I dont see what they see! they might pity me! I dont know! Having dissociative disorder does not allow me to really know whats going on in the outside world; Im protected in my own world; much like someone with autism.
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Ive never had a girlfriend! I could never meet anyone; I was never present! Nothing has changed! I suspect women thinks Im weird or nuts because I dont recognize my own behavior.
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Ive tried calling a few girls; no phone call back!
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I live in my own world! a world, much like a person with autism! Its a strange world; a alone world! the closest I ever got to a real life was the television set when I was a boy!
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Ive tried interacting with the humans; nothing has worked; I claimed they were all shallow! Its possible; I have no idea what I look like to other people! they see me as dtysfunctioning.
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It this point; I dont know if I will ever get a girlfriend; I dont know! I dont hang out with normal people! Ive been around 12 step people in chemical based dependency groups! Ive gotten nowhere dating any of those women; nothing!
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In the real world; Ive gotten nowhere!
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I dont know! God could bring me someone! but nothing has happened!
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Ive worked with the laws of attraction and nothing has happened!
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I do not live around or associate with normal people!
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Im not sure what the future brings.
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Ive been around some people I would call friends; their not real friends; they have no value for me; I just get used by them; meaning, I have no value to them!
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I have no normal friends!
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I have to keep working with God on this stuff! Im getting old! so, I doubt I will ever have a girlfriend! For some reason, God has not brought anyone!
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At least I know what happened to me when young; the abuse; I understand what was happening to me; and I understand why the neighborhoods I lived in treated me the way they did; they saw me from a different angle then I actually lived; they saw me as a throw away latchkey kid! later, they dumped me as trash! I never knew I was trash in their eyes; I thought I was one of them; not so! I thought, at least their kids saw me as equal; not so; they were rich; I was no one! I was nothing; I was a throw away! Now I know! I never had any friends in the first place; never did!
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I have God! but; I have to let go of the people and places and things of this area I live in; I have no friends here; and I must ask God to let me go; so I can make new friends! Im alive; possibly, thats the purpose of why Im here! I have no other purpose for being here! No friends; never did! never understood this; I understand this now! No girlfriends; Im alone!
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Ive seen women taken advantage of by sociopaths! Those girls are easy pickings; they end up getting lied to and pregnant. Its very sad; Im not the only one getting victimized!
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The problem is me; thats how I see it; people dont understand my aloof behavior; I understand it! but I have no friends; nothing! Im like a drifter! So, having girlfriends is non existent.
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Its not a smart idea to go out with drug addict girls in recovery; they go out and use again at some point! not all of them; most are in the recovery to get a man! once they hook up; their gone!
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As for as the rest; with my problems; who can I attract! who wants me! I dont know; do not have a clue about anything!
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Im alive and I have a relationship with God! other then that; when it comes to people; nothing!
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I didnt realize how far out in left field I am! Im starting to understand! Even the people in left field dont want anything to do with me!
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I have to work with God and move on! Im not sure what to move on to!
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Im not sure!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
1 Comment Viewed 2415 times
Comments

Re: Living in a small town with dissociative disorder

Permanent Linkby Snaga on Fri Apr 13, 2018 5:44 pm

Don't give up hope, Ommicell. You've always impressed me as someone who knows what he wants, and will put yourself in the right mindset to give it a chance to happen. It's never too late, for any of us. Just keep in mind, that we're all imperfect. You might never find a perfect g/f, but I do remain convinced there's someone for everyone. Sometimes just takes a lot of patience, and weeding thru ones that don't work for us. Hang in there bud.

I think becoming self aware of ourselves, as you are doing, is a really positive thing and a step towards what you want out of life.
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Tell someone you love them today, because Life is short. But scream it at them in Klingon, because Life is also terrifying and confusing.

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