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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- December 2019
more changes ahead.
   Sun Dec 01, 2019 4:49 pm

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liking myself and dating

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Jun 06, 2019 8:46 pm

Ive noticed shame as a big big counter production; it hits period; I mean; it hits me; thats why I dissociate; one of the reasons because of so many horrible things beyond my ability to cope when they hit; I was 2 young; as an adult; I would not be able to cope; but shame; being demeaned not feeling worthy or good enough to be alive; thats what they were trying to do to me; kill me in this way; Relational aggression; mainly the women involved; from the mens situation; it was sexual abuse and relational aggression and some violence.. And then being abandon completely; no regard for my life; or if they would ever see me again; I was dumped; I was used and dumped. And not told what was going to happen; I did not know I was going to be dumped; but they did; they had it all planned out; as they had planned it from 2 older brothers; they had been doing it to them before.
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Self worth is the key; Liking someone and if they don't like me; I still feel OKE with myself. Everything is OK. And my self worth is not determined by others; but its me being oKe with me. Bulling destroyed a apart of me; the self respect part. I had nothing but fear to go outside or finally simply to be alive; no where to go. I wanted to die. No one cared.
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I was a complete stranger to the people I was forced to be part of when growing up or being a child; no one had any interest in me; I did not know. I assumed all parents want the best for their children; not so. that is a lie....
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So; now; I have to learn how to love myself again; feel good about myself again; and its possible; and Im slowly getting my worth back; shame destroys everything; its so dam powerful; I black out when ever touching that light socket.
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Im like an 8 year old who is only thinking about what he’s going to do the next day; In reality Im an adult who is trying to gain adult things; but the child in me only wants to go ice skating as he did when eight years old; Im trying to take my mind back so I can get a truck; focus on it; not on ice skating or nerf football. Im trying to focus on vacation trips, car, wife, house. So, a gap resides between where I am and where I want to be; thats where the work is...
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What level of women do I need or want; does she have to have a PHD from Stanford university.
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Speaking of universities; my mother did everything she could to de humanize me in every way possible that I would not go to college or do anything with my life; trying to destroy the school system out of me; the ability to study or be intelligent; she saw me as an inferior animal being a boy; and was trying to destroy any intellectual ability out of me; with aggression; I cannot describe the damage from this constant demoralization; horrible; like living in a prison...
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So; Im extremely messed up; a mix of complete dehumanization; horror and violence. Im not a psychopath; but I was indoctrinated into being one; and I can be one if I want to be; Ive been one before.
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So; dealing with the pain of who I am and what Ive been through and dealing with this outside world; is to much; and all the losses that have happened.
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Im looking for one thing to happen for me and I think it can; it has to do with feeling good about myself and my decisions; its the kind of thing where you decide you want to go to college and you feel good about it; you like what your studying and your doing really well because your present and like yourself; its a special kind of feeling of being present and handling it and feeling proud and good about handling it; living ones own life; and feeling good about ones decisions; running your own life according to your good feelings; something like that; Ive been here before; Im looking forward to getting back to it; doing the right things; doing what makes me feel great and doing it; going for it; no past; no regrets; not living in yesterday or regrets; that kind of thing; thats where Im headed.
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Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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