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Consumer 6
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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A fear of getting laid; a horrible fear
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She thought I was crazy; and she wasn't alone
   Wed Oct 09, 2019 5:00 am
Signs of handling reality
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Likeing myself; God no; I dont know how Im going to work this?

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue May 28, 2019 10:42 pm

Ive got arrested development and massive PTSD problems all the time; my view of my self is horrible; I see myself the way the abusers saw me; as worthless and not worth keeping alive. They would have starved me to death if they could have gotten away with it; and or anything else at that torturous level. and when I say this; its all being done in a middle class house in some neighborhood of middle class money.
I wasn’t want by anyone ever; I was thrown away so many times; after awhile; my mind was gone from the trauma of being insecure and alone.
So; now; Im suppose to like myself or now how to value and like myself; I guess I value myself; but not strong enough to value myself around people; Im a sensitive person that got thrown away from his tribe of other sensitive people; I get dis advantaged from the people I should have associated with; I got side lined on purposed when I was a brilliant talented sensitive person; Now Im trying to find my way back to what should have been mine in the first place; and Im not sure of the road map.
However, I can start using loa for this; start writing stories about my tribe and the pathways to get back their. Im wholly scared to death; what if they judge me and try to destroy me the way everyone else has; Ive found no-one to be who they claim to be; Ive been around the poor and the rich; they both turned on me and others; I don't anyone; The least I trust is the general middle class of any town; Ive seen what they do to children who have no family and have no homes; Just look at what foster kids go through; and their it is; no one rescues those kids or me; no one; no one really cares or thinks about it.
My issue is; I don't want to be lost for the remainder of my life. I have allot of PTSD from my teen-age years and Im in terror all the time because of relieving it and it dominates my life; keeps in indoors and safe inside where no one can hurt me. I have a-lot of rage and anger; war level rage and anger about how my life was mistreated and snuffed out instead of developed; and I thought it was going to be developed then I had the rug pulled out on me.
Dealing with the general public does not help; I trust non of them. They are mouthy punks who have been through nothing; Im on the outside of the world where bad things have happened where death and life preside; where torture and riches preside; where Ive been; no television script is allowed.
The point is; I feel like Im nothing in this general society of functioning people; I mean nothing to them; they appreciate nothing of me. Nothing of the darker worlds I have seen or been tortured in or torched in. They know nothing about loss; not real loss; for me; its like I was in a war; like the Syria war; and I was destroyed out of my town and relatives and name and school and memories; where everyone was killed; no family left; nothing; then Im carted out to some other country as an orphan with bad people who use me on the streets or some place else for their ability to make money; and thats that. And then Im nothing; thrown away.
I lost everything.
So; now Im going to built back? with who? who am I going to do with with?
So; Im using the laws of attraction; my imagination to conjure what Im interested in bringing into my life; and that will be my power. + God/universe.

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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