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- June 2021
Problems with women
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Light in the inner tunnel; Im officially getting better

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Nov 21, 2017 2:35 am

I mark certain occasions as specific; A land mark! Today is one of the days! My general recovery has taken a leap to the never level of sanity.
in the beginning of the most recent positive recovery Tsunami;
My general recovery took to the next level in and around 2012-2013; Age 49-50! I began to wake up! The people around me could see it and comment on it; the drastic changes! Id been in the recovery process( thank God) since 1995-1996, before this I was diagnosed here n their! and have a history of neglect and being a disposable child; completely thrown away by the time Im 9 years old! I suffered from the general malady of broken and raped children; agoraphobia, clinical depression, OCD, Anxiety disorders, and so fourth; Its not until about 20 years old, Im diagnosed with long term PTSD problems! and Ive had those most of my life; but mainly hitting hard at the ages of 10 and upward; and then really hit hard again, brutally at the age of 16.
In the begging of recovery;
Things changed after I was in the nut house! A person helped me, worked with me for months and years and got me involved in 12 step work; thus, for the next 2o years, Ill spend hours during the day going to 12 step groups of all kinds! And I will attend therapists offices and psych groups! Later, I will find online groups like this one to express my situation, as add-on effect. And Ill be kicked off sites like this for my pronounced writing habits and pejorative stylings!
In the years I attended 12 step groups; I move deeper into my mental illness! For many years the illness got worse, and then it got better; I was not alone; Ive had thousands of people hear me and listen to me; my psychopathic screaming and yelling and pain. Ive nothing but witnesses, for the last 20 years! Im guessing , at least 1000 people a month! many are the same people! you get the point; I was never alone! However, with mental illness, you can feel completely isolated away from the human race while in a crowd!

So, rehab is really starts kicking in about 5 years ago; about 4 years ago, I started dabbling in (Laws of attraction), success based thinking situations! I was interested in studying successful people; those who have made world wide contributions to others lives and their own; those who are rich and proud of it! wealthy, and live great lives! happy!
In the beginning of 2015, I took a step that would lead me to a more serious interest in LOA work! and I started my first manifestation! I wanted to study how to turn a thought into a thing! How did a billionaires make their money; what was their secret! Study, study, study, and practice! You dont start out on top; You start out at the beginning and practice, practice, practice. For example; I like to drum; God has brought this back into my life, for I ask to have it; How do you become a good drummer; you get a rudiment book, open it to page one, and practice, practice, practice, one drum rudiment at a time; you have to get used to holding drum sticks and adapting them to your hands and your intent! With enough struggle, you start to see changes; but you must struggle; it takes time; nothing is free!
I studied music theory in college; in one class at the University level; everyone flunked the entrance test to the class! We were all members of the class; the prof gave us a test; his goal; see what we knew about music theory! No one succeeded! The prof stressed the idea that no one was suppose to succeed at it; why would they! We had been exposed to a few years of music theory, but nothing more; the prof knew this! His goal was to show that a subject as hidden as music theory is something most people are not familiar with! You didnt flunk the test because your not capable; you flunked it because one has never seen material like this before! its not personal; that was the moral lesson of the class! Being smart is not always the reason you pass a test! You start at the beginning of what you dont know. I think I dropped out of that class!
When I was young and felt stable; 3 year period; ages; 5 to 8 and maybe 9; I had established a personality, a working stable personality! In my perception; I had a neighborhood, a home, a mother and father, and 2 brothers, a best friend, relatives; church and God! I had dreams and thought I had a great future! This would all collapse by the time I'm in my late 9th year of life! '
I established my happiness when young because I went out into the community and built it! I felt stable from watching TV shows of sitcom families! I was literally created from Television sitcoms! I thought I was on the right journey, or the right path! I learned about God and church from TV!
In the present;
Im slowly heading back to the memory systems of 5-8 years old! Ive worked from the level of a on/off switched savage, back to a higher form of human being! Im now hitting that ( higher level of human being). Im starting, just starting the opening level or opening of the game of the ( higher level of human being). Im connected! and thoughts are now starting to become things! In this case, Im speaking of lost philosophies of my life; my past! I lost myself and my philosophy of life! I lost everything; I was erased as a human being; an extremely serious situation of the most urgent notice! Death/death. It started at age 9, and or 7-9; the beginning tremors, then at 9, it began! and or 5th grade it began! I was 9 to 10 years old in the 5th grade; and thats when it really hits.
In the present;
Im beginning to wake up! Ive earned the right! As I work with source energy Jesus! Holy one Universal, Holy spirit; the helper! I also believe in Santa Claus! As Im working with God, Im more inline with my fantasies and thoughts that are parallel to reality! Im more inline with reality! ITs possible to create the reality Ive always wanted; and its starting to show up! I didnt show up; all at once; I had 100 smaller ideas and desires that slowly showed up; one desire at a time; manifested. When adding all these desires; much momentum has occurred! and this momentum is showing itself as a generally better life experience! Ive put such force into my recovery process that its barreled its way into creating a new life form; This life from is showing up all around me, and its showing up in my thoughts! My thoughts are beginning to appear much like the reality I actually live in! They are becoming one giant thought! It was not always this way; in the past, my thoughts and the outside world were at such odds, suicide seemed the only continuous answer! I had no answer for this problem; The outside world was so hard and brutal, I wanted to immediately die and never return!
I, like many, started using drugs at age 12, this will not stop until Im in my early 20's! However, overdoes's and bad trips will help cool things down to the point that I will question drug use and " am I an addict"! I didnt start out as one! but I wanted to escape! Later I will turn to alcohol in my early 20's; this will manifest into a great problem at the end of my 20's! Im not on the streets, yet! ; but Im looking for something to medicate the PTSD problems! Alcohol does not solves PTSD, so therefore, I wont quit drinking anytime soon! Do I have a problem?; soon, I will end up in the nut house trying to kill myself from PTSD, and things will abruptly change! I will end up in the rooms of 12 step recovery for my general condition and the drugs and alcohol will stop! I stopped using simply from educational side of things! I was not aware of drugs and addiction side of things! once I learned and understood, I immediately decided, they were not for me; they were of a broken world, I did not want any memory of! This is around 1995 to 1997!
Ive had to hang on; not quit; Ive had plenty of support, but I was never present because of mental illness and sadness and anger hatred and rage, pain, hurt, and everything else many people scream about from the vantage point of a dis advantaged life!
Ive hung on; and Im now repeating the rewards! and the reward is the promise land! And its happening! the price is very high! Ive had to let go of all that I lost and missed and loved! and when I did, suddenly it returned to me as a new life! I had no room for a new life; for a new manifestation because my spirit was full from the past! If you eat and are full, where is their room for the new food; their is no room, until the stomach is empty again I kept filling myself up with the old food in the refrigerator; after eating it; I was full! I didnt realize, Their was never any reason to buy the food I really wanted; their was no room in my stomach for it! I continually eat the old food out of mindless consumption! If I would just stop and think first and get help for the journey from empty stomach to full stomach; If I would stop focusing on the old food and wait! time out; turn in another direction; close the refrigerator and wait a minute! If I would wait and analyze my desires; what did I want! I wanted to head to the supermarket and get new food! I wanted new food in my stomach! The only way I can put new food in my stomach; it has to be cleared and empty! I had to make room for the new food; the old must go! The old way of things must go! And non of this can happen alone; one must have a group; I feel, of at least 50 people on my side on a daily basis to help change my direction in life; my recovery process!
Back to the story; the old must go! but its all I had! I would have killed myself if I had to give up the only bread crumbs I had left of a past that were no more! nothing was ever come back! Its a torturing reality!
The recovery process has and is working for me! The problem is; its like walking down a 100 mile tunnel in the dark completely externally blind! I had the light from within from God directing me; but still, it gets fatiguing, lonely, exhausting! And yet, I must bust on!
Out of desperation I found my life; the desperation is work! Ive stayed to path; looking for my life; I never left it! but out in that forest, one can travel for hundreds of miles, feeling very lost! and Ive had to adapt with 12 step meetings and strong relationship with a God I never wanted! I was hurt by God when young; and never trusted God again! I just wanted to die! I had to reach out to God for help; I had no choice! I never respected God; not after what I went through! I had to turn to God.
Ive not had any parents or anyone from the past! At times in the recovery process, with a sponsor and therapist and psych groups and 12 step groups and friends; I went back to some of these parents and old family system! I went back under Gods care to look around; Gods orders! I was to look around an observe; God wanted me to see the disfunction I discovered of this family system while writing about them on paper! When writing and using my imagination, many new insights sprang up! God wanted me to go back to these people and see if my theories were correct! And God was right! For God had implanted those theories in my head; and the bound out to be correct! It was not easy! I never felt comfortable around these old family system people! In realty, I was a stranger to them! I observed, in shock and horror, but I observed! And I learned.
I revisited friends; people I said I loved within my heart; I was destroyed by them in the far past! God allowed me to go back and visit them; this time from an adult point of view; scary! They were not no friends; I was a complete stranger! They knew nothing about me and had no value for me! I meant nothing to them; as I meant nothing to them from whence I met them the first time as a small boy! They meant everything to me; I meant nothing to them! God meant everything to me, I meant nothing to them; these false friends! God supposedly meant something to these people, but I meant nothing to them, but God meant everything to me! Something did not make sense!
God let me know; someone was lying! these people were lying, they were not of God or Gods ways but they did a good job fooling me! They looked good on the outside! God wanted me to visit them as an adult and see for myself, if they were of any value! The answer was no! they were not! they were full of the world and nothing more; it was all a lie! Or, I could say; who ever they were! I meant nothing to them because I was a stranger. I had always been a stranger and meant nothing to them! They never said I would be anything else! I dont remember my best friend ever telling me I was his friend! I dont remember his family ever saying they liked that fact I was visiting them; I just visited them, every day after school! They never said they liked it! They used to invite me to dinner because I was their! they never said they liked it! I was a kid and didnt eat much! I truly believed I was apart of that family! In reality, I was never apart of any family! In the end broken, I had to reach out to God!
Ive tested the waters with arrogant stuck up wealthy intellectually educated people! Ive " not" looked up to them; Im just as smart and as worthy and much more creative then they will ever be! But the point is; They are not superior to me; not in the least! However, when I show a specific kind of attitude suggesting Im equal with them; its sets of a demon of hard cold weathering within them; they turn into a storm and meander to some other coast, far away from me! " Im not accepted"; and today, Im proud of myself; I stood up for myself; and its no loss at all that they don't like me! Thank God I find out first; its not that they dont like me; they recognize nothing; they are not my people and I am not part of them and they not part of my tribe fantasy; Good to find this out first before investing my worth with the wrong people! Don't get me wrong; these people appear white as snow on the outside, its easy to get drawn into their magic. Chocolate bunnies always look good at the candy store at Easter time; but a closer look, and their as hollow as a dead church mouse on the wrong Sunday morning!
So, Im feeling much more stable! My interest is in decision making! What do I want to do; and go do it and be successful at it and not let anything get in the way; learning to work through fear problems and terror problems! but keep at it!
I like art, and would like to pursue it! The biggest problem is PTSD! And dissociative disorder! I flake out and wont continue; I get mad and past memories shoot up and I stop creating! So, I have my work cut out for me! Im not done with the recovery process yet; Im starting a new chapter!

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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