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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1019)
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A fear of getting laid; a horrible fear
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   Wed Oct 09, 2019 5:00 am
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Life is hard! Im OK

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Jul 24, 2013 4:18 am

I would like be more then surviving, However, at times all I can do is start the hot soapy water, get a good psych book and jump in!

Its sad when people hurt me! I am used to it. I am used to walking away from it. Sometimes I have to walk away when there siting 10 feet in front of me! They have to become strangers and stay that way!

I have a decent life. Its not perfect! Im very alone! I guess thats OK. I am alive and some symptoms are healing! My mind is very weak in specific areas! Although memories are reattaching, my mind is weak, and will always be weak. I can only handle short bursts of interactivity and I begin to " go out" to dissociate.

I have learned to tell people about my condition; I am scared of people in general, men and women, if you attempt to know me, I will attempt the same, at some point within several weeks, I will pull away from you for a month or 2, I will return to you! So, do not be alarmed if I pull away!

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I have many areas of stability!

My apartment is becoming manageable and clean. This means, cleared out! the general areas; kitchen, living room, bedroom, den, are cleared; Spartan-is-tic. vacuumed! much different then before!

Money is even. I have a monthly check and a payee! I am grateful. I have to" watch it!" the credit card companies come at you when you start paying things on time. Its easy to buy that new " thing" on credit and get swamped. Dam credit card companies up your credit if you pay three more months on time! its crazy, if I spend the full amount of the card, I would never be able to pay the monthly interest! It should be illegal! Its better to save and pay cash, or send a money order, stay away from the credit card companies.
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Women:

Ive had allot of basic experience with women in the last 4 years. Ive learned what I like and I do not like.

One area I like is someone that has been broken and is seeking recovery. One area I do not like is deception. Its horrible when I find someone with both conditions!

I am attracted, then I am repulsed and must leave them never to return. I will not associate with someone that betrays my trust during a courtship period; Im afraid they are " out" for ever!

Ive had trouble with the women from my groups because they are deceptive: They are interested in me, However, If I pull away from them for to long after I have taken interest, they secretly bring in a new man! However, they continue to look in my direction as if they still want a relationship with me! nothing could make me more sick to my stomach! I will never associate with someone like this again! ever! And this is the problem Im having with women from my meetings..

I am interested in meeting people that are broken who are not deceptive or dishonest! Other then the dishonest situations, I am doing well with women in general.

My mind is weak, and this posses a problem having the strength to pursue someone!

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Weight lifting has been a major problem for the last month. I have lost my motivation! I believe Im depressed. I get depressed when I work to hard in the recovery process. Im putting my mind through to much bombardment and it begins to shut down! I am showing up to the gym, Im not doing much!
Ive gained 1o pounds, However, Im a bicyclist, I can loss it very easily through biking and or exercise walking!

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Music and art stuff or happening! Im practicing my singing and writing! and I take art stuff to the meetings and create while others are talking; Its a start! I have to trust God with this stuff, my past life was a complete failure, and my music and art stuff are tied into that past; Its a scary situation of failure Im playing with!
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Im getting more into mountain biking again! and this is great for my identity! Im waiting to get a new bike.

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My biggest issue is with friends. I have very little, and I must rely on blogs like this to express how I really feel, Its a very lonely situation. Many people have no depth of character, and cannot relate to people with problems. Many people have no framework to deal with problem people! So, I am very strangely lonely! and this can get grueling and make life feel like Im surviving and not living!

I do not know if the people situation will ever change! My condition creates many problems for sustaining relationships. I drop out! ITs all very hard! I have learned to inform others of my conditions.

I will pray, and hope that God brings me to areas of awareness of those that are broken and honest; I would love to meet them!

I have a working good relationship with God, and this continues to be worked on!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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