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Consumer 6
Consumer 6
Posts: 1036
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1134)
- January 2021
Another break through
   Fri Jan 15, 2021 4:51 am
bulling and apologizing
   Thu Jan 14, 2021 9:17 pm
My work; to get up close in my imagination
   Thu Jan 14, 2021 7:17 am
Get right with God; God is saying
   Thu Jan 14, 2021 1:02 am
The message about the sociopath
   Sat Jan 09, 2021 2:24 pm
Moving forward
   Sat Jan 09, 2021 4:53 am
Beginning to move forward
   Fri Jan 08, 2021 5:11 pm
Im alone again; things are changing.
   Thu Jan 07, 2021 10:17 am

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Letting go of the protector

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri May 31, 2019 11:58 am

Im a 12 or 11 or 13 or 14 or 15 year old in side; with no place to go; no place to hunt; no place to be, no place to practice, no place to practice intimacy; nothing. Im stuck out here and now. So; Im looking; searching, seeking for ways to grow up.
Im like a kid that needs to get into a fight for might. Ive got to stretch and develop. keep walk’n.
Intimacy is the problem; I was fooled and fooling my self when young; I had no friends but never knew it; I thought I had it made; I thought I had friends in rich places; they were just playing me; they were not friends playing me; they were the rich playing me; using me as a play field; sinister evil people; disrespectful of our national flag, our borders and our way of life; they did not wait to be invited; they waited in the dark to plot against my life. They were waiting to take my life; such are the rich in any neighborhood; they got rich to look good on the street corners of every business downtown street.
I was thrown away and lost; and dont know what to do....
because of trauma and neglect; extreme levels of neglect; brutal levels of neglect; I had to become a monster within my soul to survive; I had no choice.
I was no good; thats what they told me; it wasn’t true but I had no protecting me; I did not have anyone; and my life mattered to know one so it had to matter to me; my survival had to matter to me. I had no choice.
I saw scum on the street I wanted to spit on and I saw scum in the houses I was forced to live in and I wanted to spit on them; I did spit on them; vomited on them for their insolence against God and any decent morality they didnt have. They had no morality; no one did.
Im here now fighting it again; waking up.
The protector in me; I dont need him anymore; or it anymore; the 13 year old in me has to stand on his own feet; but he cant yet; he’s to young and not strong enough; he’s not strong enough to make decisions for himself; but he wants to; he must if he’s going to grow up into and independent free feeling wheeling jedi knight.
So; have to, I want to; Im gunna
I have development that must take place; the idea is to let the soldier within me go; do not contact him; let him go; and let the 13 year old learn how to make friends and bring others in to help; help me grow up; me; doing it on my own; thats what counts; thats what I need; that freedom.
Im in this place of open growth; its happening for me; but its such a beginning. And Im so weary.
Its o so hard and strange but Im strong; I can handle this.....
I have to learn to reach out not get discouraged;
Im so scared and frightened of this; all of it.
My development is what this is about; and its horrible to see where I came from; but Im past that; Now its me, the 13 year old and God; I dont care where I came from; came from my own past; no one else was in it; just me.
So, It was just me; but I was not developed. thats the problem; the development stopped and then I was lost; like having walls of concrete around me in every direction.
Where do I get the development I need; Im like a 6th grader trying to become a 7th grader; a 5th grader trying to become a 6th grader; where do I get the development; in my mind I see the houses of my childhood; Im their, but Im now here; where is the next house I live at that I develop; I tried to work with people in the neighborhood but they didnt want me; when they saw what I was doing; they rejected me; in fact, they saw what I was doing all along and set me to take a fall; they thought it was funny; ruthless trash; thats what they were. And I was all alone; and I was always all alone. Now Im trying to do something for myself and I dont know where to start but to start praying.
So; Im learning to work with God and stay out of trouble.
Im learning how to open up and reach out; but it scares the F_CK out of me. I mean; Dam!
Its all hard. Hard as a rock; the last thing I remember I was watching cartoons and now Im older; and looking to make friends.
So; I have to keep working with the universe for lessons to move to the next level of my man hood; but its scary and hard; all of this; A gap resides between where Im at and where I want to be; this one gap area; its closed darkness; and I want it slowly opened up; I have to slowly open it up; its a place of dejection and rejection; I tried; I tried a 1000 times to get others to help me and no one would help; instead; people tortured me, crucified me; set me on fire; detoured me; destroyed me; beat me down with a whip; with chains.... .

I tried the house of evil; the houses of the evil; all I got their was prisons and more pain and delusional assist; emptiness and shame; I was shamed as a badboy. In realty; I was just trying to survive.
I become hallucinogenic and so tired and warn.
Now Im getting up strong but do not have a clue or a place to go.
I dont know the next step; and thats whats frustrating me; wheres the next step to my manhood. Wheres the next neighborhood, wheres the next house. wheres the next house of cards. the house is falling; the house is falling.
A gap resides in my manhood; and my boyhood; and I want some answers; and have no place to turn; no place to go. I accept the universe will help me; its working out; I guess; I have to keep working with the universe.

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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