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https://www.psychforums.com/blog/OMNICELL/letting_go_of_the_protector_b-12813_sid-ab92951e1d5b0e9f05235c981606ca59.html

Author:  OMNICELL [ Fri May 31, 2019 11:58 am ]
Blog Subject:  Letting go of the protector

Im a 12 or 11 or 13 or 14 or 15 year old in side; with no place to go; no place to hunt; no place to be, no place to practice, no place to practice intimacy; nothing. Im stuck out here and now. So; Im looking; searching, seeking for ways to grow up.
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Im like a kid that needs to get into a fight for might. Ive got to stretch and develop. keep walk’n.
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Intimacy is the problem; I was fooled and fooling my self when young; I had no friends but never knew it; I thought I had it made; I thought I had friends in rich places; they were just playing me; they were not friends playing me; they were the rich playing me; using me as a play field; sinister evil people; disrespectful of our national flag, our borders and our way of life; they did not wait to be invited; they waited in the dark to plot against my life. They were waiting to take my life; such are the rich in any neighborhood; they got rich to look good on the street corners of every business downtown street.
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I was thrown away and lost; and dont know what to do....
because of trauma and neglect; extreme levels of neglect; brutal levels of neglect; I had to become a monster within my soul to survive; I had no choice.
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I was no good; thats what they told me; it wasn’t true but I had no protecting me; I did not have anyone; and my life mattered to know one so it had to matter to me; my survival had to matter to me. I had no choice.
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I saw scum on the street I wanted to spit on and I saw scum in the houses I was forced to live in and I wanted to spit on them; I did spit on them; vomited on them for their insolence against God and any decent morality they didnt have. They had no morality; no one did.
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Im here now fighting it again; waking up.
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The protector in me; I dont need him anymore; or it anymore; the 13 year old in me has to stand on his own feet; but he cant yet; he’s to young and not strong enough; he’s not strong enough to make decisions for himself; but he wants to; he must if he’s going to grow up into and independent free feeling wheeling jedi knight.
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So; have to, I want to; Im gunna
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I have development that must take place; the idea is to let the soldier within me go; do not contact him; let him go; and let the 13 year old learn how to make friends and bring others in to help; help me grow up; me; doing it on my own; thats what counts; thats what I need; that freedom.
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Im in this place of open growth; its happening for me; but its such a beginning. And Im so weary.
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Its o so hard and strange but Im strong; I can handle this.....
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I have to learn to reach out not get discouraged;
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Im so scared and frightened of this; all of it.
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My development is what this is about; and its horrible to see where I came from; but Im past that; Now its me, the 13 year old and God; I dont care where I came from; came from my own past; no one else was in it; just me.
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So, It was just me; but I was not developed. thats the problem; the development stopped and then I was lost; like having walls of concrete around me in every direction.
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Where do I get the development I need; Im like a 6th grader trying to become a 7th grader; a 5th grader trying to become a 6th grader; where do I get the development; in my mind I see the houses of my childhood; Im their, but Im now here; where is the next house I live at that I develop; I tried to work with people in the neighborhood but they didnt want me; when they saw what I was doing; they rejected me; in fact, they saw what I was doing all along and set me to take a fall; they thought it was funny; ruthless trash; thats what they were. And I was all alone; and I was always all alone. Now Im trying to do something for myself and I dont know where to start but to start praying.
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So; Im learning to work with God and stay out of trouble.
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Im learning how to open up and reach out; but it scares the F_CK out of me. I mean; Dam!
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Its all hard. Hard as a rock; the last thing I remember I was watching cartoons and now Im older; and looking to make friends.
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So; I have to keep working with the universe for lessons to move to the next level of my man hood; but its scary and hard; all of this; A gap resides between where Im at and where I want to be; this one gap area; its closed darkness; and I want it slowly opened up; I have to slowly open it up; its a place of dejection and rejection; I tried; I tried a 1000 times to get others to help me and no one would help; instead; people tortured me, crucified me; set me on fire; detoured me; destroyed me; beat me down with a whip; with chains.... .

I tried the house of evil; the houses of the evil; all I got their was prisons and more pain and delusional assist; emptiness and shame; I was shamed as a badboy. In realty; I was just trying to survive.
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I become hallucinogenic and so tired and warn.
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Now Im getting up strong but do not have a clue or a place to go.
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I dont know the next step; and thats whats frustrating me; wheres the next step to my manhood. Wheres the next neighborhood, wheres the next house. wheres the next house of cards. the house is falling; the house is falling.
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A gap resides in my manhood; and my boyhood; and I want some answers; and have no place to turn; no place to go. I accept the universe will help me; its working out; I guess; I have to keep working with the universe.

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