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Letting go of the alcoholic family system!

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Feb 24, 2017 6:53 pm

I came from a brutal form of the alcoholic family system! this system has the most lethal of destructive people within in; so evil are they; they are little better then a wolf pack sadistic in nature; murder, in nature! this might give off the visual of a crew of monsters; not quit! you would never notice the difference between this insane lot of demonic forces and upper middle class blue suit and tie folks living in the same neighborhood!

The major problem was:

impulsive and antisocial behaviors. lack of guilt, empathy, and deep emotional attachments to others; narcissism and superficial charm; dishonesty, manipulativeness,reckless risk-taking.

My mother used Superficial charm and glibness when dealing with myself and others! she had an Inflated sense of self-worth! she always seems to need a Constant stimulation from others! always involving herself in someone else's inner private life, complete intrusion; much like sexual molestation with out the sex; but the same intrusion!

She Lied pathologically all the time! most of what she said to me with a smile and confidence was complete lies! total and complete! Conning others and being manipulative was taken to a horrific level! I was born into exploitation! My father and mother showed complete Lack of remorse or guilt; they never once talked of the past! they never once asked how you felt! they never once took verbal responsibility for any action they did or dragged me through! I thought they buried their feelings! later, I realized horrifically, they had no human feelings; they were more like sharks or wolves with no guilt or shame or human quality! My mothers emotional state was worse then shallow; it was mimicked! she acted like movie sirens to the point of a complete identity change! scary stuff! all fake; one could feel the full effect of Shallow emotions; a complete frontal lie!

Callousness; lack of empathy; Both parents showed unwavering and deep seeded, sadistic levels of callousness and lack of empathy! However, these were well educated people, and they are not stupid! My mother was a planner! she would plan a situation that you would be stripped of your dignity or human rights! These people wanted to strip you of everything human! they seemed to elevate themselves above the human race; looking down on humans as if they were creatures from another planet; these parents were quit insane! and very evil! Nothing better describes their thrill planing then Using others (a parasitic lifestyle)! After much evidence and investigation I found much concerning their early lives! certainly Behavioral problems early in life contributed to their dysfunction! Altho educated they suffered from a Lack of realistic, long-term goals! Both were talented people! Both blamed their parents for not developing their talents! My mother considered men inferior, much like the Jews were considered inferior to the Nazi regime in WW2! I know this because she told me to my face! This is a very dangerous thing if a child; any child is in the proximity of this type of evil person! Neither parent has any social or human responsibility!

Blaming others and refusing to accept responsibility! Horrifically, I found out my mother had several marital relationships! In this case, Im suggesting several marriages; 5 I think! I was from the third! I never know until older!

Criminal acts in several realms (criminal versatility)! This is where things get murky! I witnessed my mothers behavior from the the ages of 3 1/2 on! I am not the only witness; much evidence was found through numerous conversations with my mother and other members of her post marriages! Relational aggression was my mothers choice of weapons against the human race and specifically the destruction of any family system helped create or weasel into! Relatives of people she dated; they pulled their sons away from her once they realized the type of monster they were dealing with; pure evil and no conscious toward their manipulated sons! One would not see it at first; she covered her identity well!

My father was a predator of young women! I am an eye witness to this sad situation! and I used to listen to him rape my mother when I was boy! I would put my ear up to their door and could hear everything clearly going on in their bed room! it was like listening to a control freak ordering a robot to have sex with him! I was very confused by this when a little boy! later, I understood completely what was actually happening! Later, after he left this family system; he will be accused of rape; a trial! lack of evidence; he got set free!

The compulsive unpredictability from these insane people left me destroyed at an early age! fractured in mind and spirit; I could no longer relate to the human experiences around me! I was for ever frozen in a state of disillusion between what goes on in my inner brain and the realistic outside world! soon, I did not know what was reality and what was coming from my brain! And this conditions became permanent! Thus; dissociative disorder!

As I mentioned above; this was an alcoholic family system of dysfunction! Both relative systems; family systems; are the source of creation of these 2 insane parents! Pathologic behavior, alcoholism was rampant on both sides of these families; mother and father!

I'm now at place of slowly emerging back into society! relationships are a horrible ordeal for me! Ive gotten to the point I can walk up, talk to a women! but its hard! horrible hard with dissociative disorder! Because of the nature of abuses toward me when young; My ability to connect with the outside world was severed! My only reason for re connection with others is because I want to; not because I can! In fact; its an impossible situation Im making positive and possible!

I've decided to re connect with people and activities! its hard; most people do not understand me or my vastly strange behavior; I am completely inconsistent!

One area Im looking into; facing people, not running away! I have AVPD! I turn from those I want relationships with! I run from them! bury my head in my shirt, look down to the floor and stay as far away from those I like as possible! Any one knows; one cannot have a relationship with someone without asking for one! I must be able to see people has trusting and friendly! The problem is; I see all people as my enemy! I see them as unsafe!

Because I want women back in my life; I cannot afford to be defensive around them; seeing them as unsafe and un trust worthy! This wont do!

SO, Im for ever working on solutions to " break the ice" with women, and learn who to get to know them! trust them again!

The hardest part is walking over, talking with them face to face! being honest about my feelings and what I want and letting go of the outcome!

Letting go of the outcome is extremely hard for me! I want control so I can feel dominant and safe! I don't want someone out of line that can hurt me! I don't want to be hurt anymore!

I have to learn a new way around women; I cant use male aggressiveness; not that I was ever using male aggressiveness! I never learned how to be around anyone after being diagnosed with dissociative disorder! Im now willing to learn!

The goal is practicing reconnection with others! Im very disabled in this area! its very embarrassing! I feel autistic and slow when dealing with emotional stuff around people; I go into a panic when face to face with people! I cant remember anything! and PTSD is rampant through my mind!

The goal is to " hang on", dont run! learn to make specific social goals and practice them! I know I can get better around others if I want to! it will take allot allot of practice to come out of my head and reconnect back with the human race; and much trust!

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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