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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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Age doesn't matter; PTSD does
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Signs of handling reality
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learning lessons

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat Dec 21, 2013 5:19 am

I must stay with God. It is God that is keeping me alive! Without God I would not have any reason to be here. I would have left planet earth long ago. I have to watch Suicide and through PTSD levels. When my mind is healing, it comes back to reality! that is not a good thing all at once. My mind is weak. If it gets overloaded it snaps.. if that happens, suicide is a real possibility. I have to be careful and have a balance.

The Indian Girl that died:

The story of the little indian girl? that was dressed up as bride she was eight years old; is still haunting me badly. I believe I saw her picture, her eyes. Poor little kid. No one loved this person; Her future husband age 40, sexed her to death! ripping her insides out on her wedding night. This is to much for me! she is like a sacrifice.
What was life like for her last year. What was it like 5 minutes before she died. How she screamed out for anyone to help her, knowing there were millions of adults everywhere across the planet; and not one cared. Nothing! And this is why I don't want to be here on this planet. The people on this planet are a disgrace! Poor Poor kid! I would have helped her if I could!

So, knowing what I know about this life their is no guarantees for me! I have Dissociative Disorder!

The reason Im still here is God. I worship God and take orders from God! And I have given my life over to God to take care of me. And God wants me to stay, so, I go to my recovery meetings, keep getting better; deal with my story, deal with the truth, and stay. I stay because this holy spirit demands it! And I have chosen to listen. God is my lantern; this keeps me alive!

My life will get better! Not because its better or worse, although its much much better. Im more willing to change my thinking about the situation. Ive worked my way into a new way of thinking. And it will require much much more work for reality to be a working model for personal expression.

------------
Lesson:
In the real world, people are what they are, its a smorgasbord of people! some good, some not so good. You never know what your getting... You can be hurt if you put faith into anyone for any reason. Its very difficult.

In my own circles, at least people know my worth! Out in the world, I mean nothing to people,. At first glance, I mean nothing.

Im not money! so, Im nothing. Im not sure. I think I will study. I studied dating and approaching people. Possibly I will study more on interaction with strangers and what to think of this world and its people.

And I have problems;
I Neg'd a girl at the store the other day. She was poor I think. I ignored her! Then looking back at her I realized she was appreciative and interested. She could have been just like me; destroyed and hopeless and I treated her like she was an object or a dog. I did this out of defense. I did not do this because I wanted to torture her! So, I have much work to do on myself. I truly want to reach out to people that are like me, not clam up around them.

Im still alone. Its very confusing; what is my self worth to others: I will study. My next big project is how to sell myself to others. How to act around others in a way that is attractive and not anti social. Im slowly getting to this place. this will take much learning and practice. I do not want to come of insecure. I just want to be myself; not needy.

Im always alone! It is what it is. Gratitude all day long would help. Im not at that level yet. My mind is hurt and I have much work to do! The PTSD world comes out and dissociate with anything in front of me!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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