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Last born!@

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Oct 04, 2015 12:30 am

Don't mind me! These blogs are going to roll for a long time! Im starting to open up, my dissociative disorder has been unlocked to some degree! And many things are coming out! And its heart rendering and very painful! Horrible!

I must keep writing and work through time periods!

I was the last born; so, in this pseudo fake family system! Counterfeit family system! I am believing everything is normal and real! And I play the part of the last born youngest! I have 2 older brothers! That I love and look up to the way I should! However, there is already a problems! They are not what they appear to be! And they are not nice the way I think they are; from a child's perspective! When they are older, they do not turn out to be nice people!

All is faked in this counterfeit family! But I don't know its counterfeit! I have been brainwashed and groomed, hook, line and sinker! I don't question the people running things! Im a child!


Imagine your on a cruse on a boat with your parents! And everything is wonderful and they have been planning this for years! And you and them are happy together! One morning on this cruse ship, you wake up! And you realize you are alone! No one is in the cabin with you! Where are your parents! They are no where to be seen!

Looking around for the full day on the boat; you realize; they are simply gone!

A few days passes and the boat starts to have trouble on the open sees! The other 1500 passengers panic! And you and them; they all go down with the ship! And this ship is named the Titanic!

Lets imagine your parents knew this the whole time! They knew they would abandon you on purpose! They were just using you from birth!

They knew the ship would sink! And they were fine with this! They were laughing the whole time they snuck the row boat from the ship at night and came to shore! They knew you would die, and they knew the others would parish as well! If you didn't die and you made it; so what! They didn't care! They were sending a message, you are not wanted nor do you need to exist! Bye bye!


The above is an illustration of the psychological effects of what happened! The same level of grief and damage!

The point; now what! Your life is brutally changed for ever! You start to come out of the trauma of this event; to what! What do you do now?

I have many years of development lost; they are empty! Im attempting to define what they are and go live them! Its all very difficult and confusing!

As I wake up; I wake to trauma and pain! Sadness and loss and a few years of memories of a stolen life!
But I want to get on with my life! I want a life now! Thats what this is all about! Thats what the writings and blogs are all about!

And I blog in other places; severaL! And lots of 12 step groups!


The most hideous thing I have found; I was alone from the day I was born! Their was no one ever their! I just thought someone was interested in me; they never were!

In the movie the Sixth sense! The main character is dead, but does not know he is dead! He walks around his old stomping grounds! He walks into schools and buildings and restraints! He sits with the people he sat with when alive! And the script writing and the camera angles in the movie make it appear that others are interacting with him; or they make it appear as if he believes others are interacting with him! In reality, others are string close to him, but never see him! He never figures this out until the end of the movie! Yet, when watching the movie, you believe he is interacting with others!

The above is what happened to me! Its horrible and 2 bad! No way to describe how much real damage these people did not me! Its murder!

When I was done being used up; they simply walked away and never came back!

And when I saw them again; they were different people! They had no connection with me; they treated me like a complete stranger! I was not wanted by them! They were psychopaths and sociopaths!

I was strung along for a while, then dumped! I had no idea it was coming! I was just a little boy!

Now what;

now I have to do the work to regain the years I never experienced as a boy; all the growing years! all the dreams I was going to create; and family was the most important of these things! and it surrounded everything!

How is this going to be accomplished?

I never learned how to make money! ive been sick all of my life! living in my mind and in my head all of my life!

Im slowly getting better now! but what does all of this mean?

I was the youngest and groomed into playing or believing this role! and this makes me exceptionally sick to my stomach as it is attached to a pseudo family system that was contrived for the quick pleasure of 2 sociopaths! I was simply being used!

As the youngest! I was sheltered from the outside world! and so it all hit me harder then most when I feel!

The goal is stable restoration and learning to live again like everyone else! some how forgetting or putting to rest; all of this!

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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