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lack of confidence/mental illness

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat Oct 25, 2014 6:50 am

lack of confidence and mental illness go hand n hand!

You might struggle and win the war, but many times you will find yourself loosing battle after battle after winning the war! You might win, but your not through! You have to collect the gold! and thats another fight! you must find it, and you must fight the dragon in the cave before it is yours!

Im in situations where girls like me! and Ive done a great job working with others and a higher power and therapist to bring down the systems of my condition! but its not enough!

Ive worked hard enough to get a pat on the back from the therapist, Ive worked hard enough for the people in the 12 step group to take notice! Ive worked hard enough to be invited to outings and make some new friends! Ive worked hard enough to be much more honest with myself and others! Ive worked hard enough to start new activities and learn to follow through!

And Ive worked hard with a relationship with God! and with God Im doing OK!

But this does not mean Im a champ with relationships! relationships require one to have confidence and the ability to be present and interact! these qualities are the enemy of mental illness!

And I continue to work at them! and its an up hill battle!

Truly; as for now, its like being in a gladiator training school! How do I interact up close with people; expressing myself and my feelings and fears and laughter and hold it together! either I can or I can't! If I choose to expose this part of myself to others, I will get feedback the hard way!

Feedback from others can be brutal! They turn and walk away or have no more interest! they feel there status is higher, and I'm a slacker fake game player! Im false, not real! and have no real confidence! Im faking it! being real, no matter how dismal you can still impress another if you are sincere! if you are not its crazy!

If I hook up with a beautiful girl in the present, I leave everything behind! and all my hopes and dreams from the past, are no more! this includes everything I ever loved! and everyone I loved! and the life I loved. For me, this is what will happen! The past will be gone! In-order to let go, I must first build up! and the proof of this build up must be measured within the real world with real world people evaluating and giving feedback! It does no good to have paid evaluators! real evaluation must come from the streets! it must come from those unknown to my condition! I must interact with others and see what happens! and learn from it!

IT can be brutal interacting with competitive confident people that do not let baggage stop them! I learn a great deal from their rejections of me! If I want to be a player like them; I must turn into them! A confident personality that give no excuses; holds no baggage, or hostages!

A confident person knows how far they can push it in front of others! they are good within there 2 foot space!

Im asleep around others! Im twisted, perverted, and un awake! horribly lazy around others; learned helplessness! Ive learn how to avoid; not participate!

Ive spend most of my life behind a TV screen watching everything from Christian shows to porn on a regular basis! Ive gotten all my needs met from this computer screen! now Im being told to stop watching a movie, and go out into life and make one for myself! and this is where I fall short! or fall of the edge of the world! I need allot of help in this area of falling of things emotionally and psychologically and spiritually; mentally! I need help! lots of it! I am crippled in this area by PTSD long term problems! Its all very difficult!

Because I write allot and speak at 12 step meetings on a regular basis; Im able to clear out the clutter of my brain that I direction will surface and appear! and I believe it is! and it has to do with confidence! Im simply learning how to have more confidence around attractive people!

Im scared to death to ask out attractive people; I do not feel I am in there league or any good! I am not shallow enough for it to work! and Ive always used this and many other things as excuses!

The only way to break this; go out with really good looking girls and see what happens! The spell must be broken! Im not sure why I feel the way I do about beautiful girls! I feel like they best kept for the TV porn sheets, and not in the real world! that I deserve nothing in the real world; Im just a lonely introvert! why do I deserve a beautiful girl!

I was in high school once! I remember! I remember the Kaos of insanity I had to work through! I was around no one that loved me or cared about what happened to me! I was tricked and spat upon! and hated; much like Christ was hated!

If Im going to be close to people again, I have to be my real self talking about real things! and expressing in front of real people! and this seems so far away; impossible! With time things will change!

I have a history of being thrown away! no one came to help; yet they claimed they knew I had problems! and still, they left me to die! they were not my friends!

They tried to destroy a mentally ill person! what kind of ######6 scum bag does this! truly in Gods eyes they are going to hell! each and everyone one of them!

So, there are trust Factors when dealing with others! and I have to a point that I know how I will respond to trust breakers! I must be well enough to have a set of rules to live by!


Ive pinned successful beautiful women who demand a man of confidence as shallow opportunists who are dishonest! Now, Im not sure! I think they are confident people and expect others around them to be confident!

I have to learn to be friends with these people! not hate them! they are people just like me! they are good looking people! but they are real people!

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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