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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (918)
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- June 2019
Lonely and still here
   Tue Jun 25, 2019 11:32 am
going to meetings; Yuk
   Tue Jun 25, 2019 3:55 am
social is coming back; but its slow and about thinking
   Tue Jun 25, 2019 2:00 am
intimacy 3
   Mon Jun 24, 2019 11:26 am
1966 and 50 years later; or 50 years to late?
   Mon Jun 24, 2019 4:29 am
Coping with what has happened to me in this life
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Visualizations
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Talents and development
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Money and women
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women and shame
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Music creating; blocked
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Im getting very close
   Fri Jun 21, 2019 1:25 am
Its hard when you were never loved.
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Things are changing
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Cant finish anything I start; cant get started
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Social isolation; social uphill climb
   Thu Jun 20, 2019 2:25 am
Feeling better inside
   Wed Jun 19, 2019 11:28 pm
Money
   Wed Jun 19, 2019 11:38 am
An interest in the arts
   Tue Jun 18, 2019 9:39 am
Social
   Mon Jun 17, 2019 10:32 pm
intimacy 2
   Mon Jun 17, 2019 4:02 pm
intimacy
   Mon Jun 17, 2019 10:51 am
Identity overwhelmed
   Sun Jun 16, 2019 10:22 am
re changing the present
   Wed Jun 12, 2019 3:45 pm
Working out of it; the struggle continues
   Tue Jun 11, 2019 4:14 pm
A new segment of life
   Tue Jun 11, 2019 1:07 am
dealing with life from zero to 18
   Mon Jun 10, 2019 8:13 pm
Connecting to things in the real world
   Mon Jun 10, 2019 11:53 am
Things are changing
   Mon Jun 10, 2019 4:43 am
I have to believe more
   Sat Jun 08, 2019 10:24 pm
liking myself and dating
   Thu Jun 06, 2019 8:46 pm
Dissociation
   Thu Jun 06, 2019 4:58 pm
Love
   Tue Jun 04, 2019 11:05 pm
Purpose
   Tue Jun 04, 2019 7:27 pm
Happiness
   Tue Jun 04, 2019 11:04 am
bulling and meditation and connection and...
   Sun Jun 02, 2019 8:03 pm
Bulling and meditation and connection and...
   Sun Jun 02, 2019 5:57 am
Childhood reconnection;
   Sat Jun 01, 2019 4:26 pm

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Keep writing again

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Dec 02, 2014 2:06 am

Sometimes, its not about what you say, its about participation! I plan to keep writing until the rest of the world from my past and present go away! I plan to keep writing until I write myself out!

I was brought up in a most unfortunate situation! And I write and write and write on it! and I will continue to until it goes away!

The hurt is all that I was kept from! I was kept from using my talents! or making it through school! I was thrown away! my advantages in life were destroyed on purpose! It was taken away and then I was given away! and this is the work of an evil sadistic nature; a sadistic sociopath! Evil; pure evil!

Will I come back! I might! I have to see and feel my real feelings, and then get them back without the props from the past! meaning, I start the play without any backdrops; I don't know where or who I am! or what land Im from! I have to trust God and start again as soon as I get my original memories back! and they seem to be coming back! I rejected them at first, they were to close to danger!
I was being thrown away and devalued! The people around me were devaluing me ! I don't know why!
I was completely hated and devalued! But there as nothing wrong with me. I was just as good or the same as the people that were devaluing me! I was no different In fact, I had been a positive experience with these people before!

They continued to attempt to make me into something worthless when I simply was not worthless! They tried to make me into someone with no intelligence or talents! and I was exceptionally brainy and talented! None of this makes an ######6 sense! Nothing does on any direction!

Why hate someone. Why not help them succeed!

No love! But why! God loved me! I was lovable! makes no sense! later, I was hated with contempt!

It was truly the biggest nightmare of sadness that can befall a child! To loose so much and no one cares! Nothing! They throw you away because you are a human being! its evil! and they don't care if they ever see you again! Its insane!

I have to be myself!
There was a me, but that person could not withstand the attacks of bulling and sociopathic parents that wanted me out or dead or never to return! or I was blamed as scapegoat for the evil! They were not real parents; they were sadistic! they don't count! and had no connection to me! They were using me! nothing more! and doing it in a brutal sinister way! they knew when they would pull the plug on the family system and leave me on the road!

I have to get back to the past, at a place that I was me, and somehow learn how to stand up to others! This is way off!

I can't see the past for what it was; it is marred because the people I associated with are friendly at the time the memories are created! I have no idea they are going to turn on me! So, the memories are associated with bad people that have not yet shown they are bad people! but the child in me knows what happened! and does not want to relive this anymore! But I must get the good memories then, separate them from the bad people I was associated with.

For example;

Say Im playing football in the front yard with a friend at his house! We play together, throw ball together, then head into his house, eat, and watch TV together! we talk about girls, then walk around the block!

IVe build some good memories! and Ive participated in my life! IVe played football, interacted with others, eat'n with others! walked around looking at houses with others! So, those were good memories, and of a time of confidence!

Lets say this person turns out to be a bad person! and I decide all memories associated with this person must be buried or forgotten! Its fine to bury and forget the person I was playing ball with! but I do not want to loose the fundamental building memories that define who I was as a growing boy! I need those, those are part of my developmental years! So, I must see them, and let go of the people , places and things associated with them! not an easy task! requires courage!


All of my memories were crushed into a meat grinder! these were my first identity! I never thought I would ever need another! but I ended up with another! I am part of the other! I am parts of many!

I like the first identity as child! that is the real me! the rest are protectors! or functioners! We function that the whole survive!

I look back now at what those people took from me or made me go through, or took from me! They took everything! did everything! My mind was destroyed!

I can see bits and pieces of me, this person, being kept away from his own good!

Now Im trying to piece all of this back together! So much confusion!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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