Im looking too head to the next step.. This is to regain my social life. It may be possible if I can see it in my head; but im still not strong enough..
.
Im still dissociative and AVPD....
.
Im getting stronger to be in the present but what does that really mean; I mean; it means Im getting use to coming out of my shell a little bit; thats all. Not much more...
.
It means I trust more in the future and the present...
.
It means I might become social possible to look or act normal in front of others; not so withdrawn or dissociated all the time... maybe.
.
Im still at the 12 step meetings; so nothing has changed; but everything is changing...
.
I might be able to face people more.. maybe.
.
Im slowly working to face what happened to me in the 7th grade; The work im doing right now is taking me through that time period so I can gain new experiences and feel safe going past that period of being completely alone... and being destroyed.
.
Im not sure the next move of God; I will pray for it...
.
.
Im realizing all people from the past are not coming back and no future will come of it. So; its new people to meet... How to meet them; I have to come up to speed first; this is the journey im working on right now. Its a new journey... this level; don't know much accept I remember being here when very young; but I had a father and a house... and brothers. my mother was around... but she was a psychopath so I don't know....
.
Im working through that period so I can regain some confidence in myself and feel freer and more worthy I think. I dont know yet; ive got trauma to work through concerning that period. I had allot of dreams back then and all of it was destroyed; so; Im being taken back to that time period and starting over I think and seeing where God takes me; the next journey level.
.
I think its possible to get back to where I was at; but Im not their yet. Im talking about when I was young; to regain myself. It wasn't all that I made it out to be but it was; it was a nice life. It started to go bad; but it was safe enough for a while... I didnt know I was with unsafe monsters; had no idea....
.
I had allot of dreams and I think I can get them back because they are in my imagination and my memories and so its inside of me; and I want them back and am asking God to get them back... slowly I guess..
.
I just want me back.
.
im understanding with women now; I never talk to them or open my feelings to them about what is really going on... Id like to be around women that are innocent and safe and of quality I can open up my feelings to.
.
Art; Im taking a kind of move toward Art again... just a little smidge of an interest to try something; Ill pray about it.
.
So; Im right in the middle of things. Im still thinking about that last women; but its not real; its more of a narcissistic trauma bond that keeps appearing in my mind and its got propaganda attached to me to it... ITs all brainwashing...Manipulation..
.
So; Im not sure...
.
.
When looking back at my first love; she was the only real friend I had; and she didnt even know she was a friend. In my imagination; ive called her my friend so; thus; I have established a friendship with her. But at that time; their was no one else. My point is; How do I establish a life with stability around me. Friends; family; money; what ever.. life. But more then one friend; God will show me how to do this... That is where real social problems begin for me; its got me livid and scared to death... I really hate it.
.
I tried to pass boy tests to becoming a man when young ; never made any of them; was always on the outside; didnt work especially physical fighting that kind of thing; I was made more for the class room but that was stolen from me and could not function their at all and no one cared; nothing.
.
So; Im right in the middle of things. right in the middle of this; whats the next move; I dont know. Ill work with God on it.. Some memories of my childhood home are appearing; that is good...
.
As for women; ITs about communicating with them; and telling them how I feel; but the quality of women is stoping me from associating with them; thats whats causing the problems; So; Im working with God; Ill ask God to send me yet; another soulmate and see what happens... I guess. Im trying to get over the last one; but the last one never really existed; Im not sure what to think about that. I just dont get it; Ive taken it 1000 times to God; dont get it any of it. but when I say that I feel like Im lying. The truth is; I dont know anything about her and I dont know that I want to know anything about her; I dont! Its a closed door and I just dont want to accept it but its true. And no one did this to me. meaning; God didnt do this and I didnt do this... Circumstance did this or she did this. She did this and its humiliating; she simply picked what she thought was a better guy.... And that has left me feeling scared to death...
.
many women ive met; see nothing in me; thinking Im stupid or mentally ill moron with absolutely nothing to offer; its offensive but quit interesting; for give them nothing; they act like I have no conversation of value to give them; thats how important they are; silly people.
.
Some how I remember who I was as a child but I dont know how Im going to get completely back their; but I can; but I need more experience or something; im numb and asleep and dissociative and avoidant.... And that wont work... ITs enough to block me and knock me out...
.
For the first time; I see myself holding my first loves hands in my imagination and telling her over n ver n over n over n over that I love her a million times and im starting to feel the love ooze out of me; Thats what I was looking for; Thats what got stopped by the interactions with the psychopaths... before I went up to her house that one day; it destroyed me; lights out.
.
Im seeing myself in 11th grade; a horrible gruesome nightmare... so sad... Im seeing myself get up from the desk in art class; go up to the teacher and tell her; " Im going to the councilors office". and walking out and going to the councilor to talk about my problems and what I can do about things... that is a great sign. Its horrible that that would have to happen to me in the school system when young I thought I would always be protected; never be a child that would need to go to a councilors office; but in reality at that time; I would have to; I was thrown away and no one cared who I was or what happened to me... Those are both really good signs.
.
Im starting to create Art for the second time; another load of Art work; This time; 5 pictures of cars I think? I will roll with it. And see what happens...
.
.
The idea behind the girlfriend. When I can imagine that I grab a womens hands and tell her over. never n over that I love her continuously and not let her go; but grab her hands every time I see her in my imagination and say this; or pray for her; at some point; and the feelings ooze out of me; at some point this will become so powerful that when God brings me a women to fit this; I will spend my days doing only 2 things; grabbing her hands and telling her I love her and grabbing her hands and praying for her.... Im not up to speed yet; and Im not up to the frequency of the kind of women that I will attract; but Ive been here before; I will get introduced to her at some point; It will happen.
.
I have to complete fix my past relationship with my first love; get to a point in my imagination where I can say anything to her about how I feel in front of her; sitting down with her talking to her; everything.... physical as well.
.
.
Plastic Model kits; Ive now spent a small fortune on plastic model kits; I love it; Id be afraid to tell someone else how much I saved up and I blew all on plastic model kits; but; Ive got enough kits to last me 30 years...
.
Im still at the 12 step meetings; if I want something different; I have to work with God and let go of the previous year and move forward. zoom forward.
.
A new chapter awaits; Im moving into the next chapter that God leads me to........