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OMNICELL
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Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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keep the faith

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Nov 11, 2012 3:24 am

Faith is an important concept for me.. I believe In God... It is God that saved my life...

Faith is the ability to let go of worldly things; no worshiping the world or the things in it..

No worshiping the fantasy of love, adoration or affections from strangers that don't exist outside of a glance or presumed hello; I may not know there name yet think we are friends, or they are deeply in love with me and want to date me.

I have a real hard time with feelings and meanings associated with the subject matter of the above sentence.. One giant area of weakness is attempting to play into word signs or hand signals or body movements that would suggest Im admired or noticed or liked by someone; even tho that person is a complete stranger and may always be a complete stranger..

Im in situations where I think girls like me. They don't... I would have no idea how they feel about me; Ive decided they are guides, guides helping me reestablish the acquisition of reintroduced information lost through trauma detachment from years before.

The girls are helping me wake and learn about myself; although I have no personal relationship with them, I learn much from them.. When I cross the fantasy line and believe they want a date from me, this is when trouble starts...

Let go and let God. People come and go; I have no idea the affections others have on me.

I am not aware of the people that have contempt for me or aware of the people that like me.. I need to trust God and let go of the need for attachment of others. Attachment is such a huge issue with me.. I attach with people instead of association... I would like to stop the attachment and just be...

I have a dissociative problem of fantasying about the role others play in my life; its what ive used in the past to psychologically survive. Ive had to believe I came from a decent family, I've had to believe that I had decent friends, I had to believe I had a decent future... I had none of the above.. Its all a lie. and I continue to fantasy bond about other people. Im to afraid of the truth of how they really feel about me; that I have no status in there eyes, that Im a laughing stock... Im scared that people are not what I make them out to be; they are generally worse people then I need them to be. They cant live up to the fantasy I create: thus, leaving me bewildered and confused and disappointed.

Im asking God to stop the attachment to people and come back to reality.. If some of these people died my identity would be devastated; its hard to admit this, however, its true.

I may have people laugh with me, agree with me, see my depth, and have no interest in me. Just because someone laughs with the same level of insight does not mean they wanted to meet me for coffee... It doesn't mean I have any favorable thoughts running through there heads... I would presume they are thinking about me all the time, when in truth, they never think about me once, yet they will smile at me when they see me!.. I mean nothing to them... This is all very hard and has that feeling of abandonment...

I will learn to let go and trust God....

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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