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Keep hitting on it! Don't quit

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Feb 08, 2012 5:19 am

In my world, A world of the imagination, Im somebody. In the world outside of myself Im no one. I am not someone that others want to know. Ive had masked admirers for my speaking and imagination. Ive been noticed for my depth and artistic maret. Yet, Im never noticed for being myself., The reflections of my past ring true, Like a ringing bell that cant be heard, "I", ringing out loud all day long. I am ringing to a baron land. A land of iced minds. A land of ice and snow... I am not cared about in this outside world. The hate-cold of this planet towards my spiritual and physical growth has lead to a thousand types of suicide in my younger days. Things are different now. I'm on my knees to God more and more , in his direction, not in the direction of the world. The world is of nothing. Nothing is in it... It is a baron lonely creepy place.

Don't quit. Don't quit when things get rough. Things get rough when I loose my identity. I loose identity. Controlling people are bad for me, I loose identity when I or go outside. Outside into they're world. When there are to many of them, I freeze. I dissociate. I cannot move. They hate me without a cause. They are better then me.. Just ask them.. They will tell you .....

In my world, A world of the imagination, Im somebody. In the world outside of myself Im no one. No one is interested in me. Ive had admires for my speaking and imagination. Ive been noticed for my depth and artistic merit. Yet, Im never noticed for being myself., The reflections of my past ring true, Like a ringing bell that no one hears. The outside bell falls to a different bell. A bell that is not like my bell. My bell is of an easier ancient hollow tone yet rich frequencies fall from its middle.

Church; Not easy. People hate me at this church.. I go, I get stronger. IT is working. I have not been chased out. It is my journey. Others may not understand that. It is not a time to run away. not yet.

music: I'm hitting PTSD problems and dissociating through the anxiety fields that hit like bomb shells. I can hardly sit down long enough to get started. However my mind is on a course of conquering this. So it is , so shall it be..

Women: With scripts this is possible. Like the music, I have to keep working at it. discipline is of the day..

PTSD: Ive been saturated for life. Ive been diagnosed 100% with it.. Ive been nuts from it. Ive learned to accept it the best that I can. My mind is altered, so has my way of life. I don't remember much of the last 40 years. Im like a child who started for the door, when he finally came to the door to open it and go play, it was 40 years later. This is one of several hundred symptoms.
PTSD causes massive problem with the concept of connection. As I get better, connection gets closer. Others call out for me to be connected to them. Its a natural thing to be connected.... The truth is good enough. Im finding I am of worth.. I talk freely as a person of worth, and I wont put up with others treating me less then a person of worth.. If you are not safe, you don't get in.. What you think of me is none of my business...

Anxiety: Getting better, communicating being a sick person dealing with a sick world is a complicated mess.. Im willing to try.. Inner personal communication is a hazardous thing..

Cambodia; This has hit me exceptionally hard. Im assuming the Cambodian holocaust represents so much about my personal life. Parallels exist between me and the Cambodian "them". Its such a sad thing what happened in Cambodia.. Im not sure why Cambodia is so important to me. I think its a God thing for me to study and grieve what happened, what happened to them, what happened to me. The Genocide seems strangely familiar to my personal survival story and experiences. The sadness and the losses. The lack of hope at any turn, every turn. I see the eyes of want in the old pictures of the torture rooms of Tuol Sleng. Those poor people. Just like me they are... I want to reach out and grab them and hold them and tell them " this is all a nightmare and you were dreaming, I will make you safe and take care of you, you are OK, you are with me, it was just a dream.. Your taken care of.. I will look after you". Yet, at some point those in the pictures will fall off the waterfalls edge and never be seen again...a tragic waist... Its way over heart break.. And so was I , way over heart brake. When I went over that water fall, I was never to be seen again.
I continue to visit those brave people. Those looks of integrity and humanness as there end comes near. I love every person on those walls. I wish they could come back.. I wish they could come back and be loved... I know God loves them in heaven.. They are save now... Poor people...!!

In general Im doing well. Im in a strange new place in my recovery. Its hard because Im not used to new spaces within myself. The openness of life is coming upon me..
Last edited by OMNICELL on Wed Feb 08, 2012 3:45 pm, edited 5 times in total.

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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