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June 14th

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat Jun 14, 2014 12:17 pm

Im waiting it out! I have to keep working toward integration with people! this is so anti me! I have to trust God. I have memories. Do I want to go back to what I came from. Possibly, if I can start again. If I can start from a new base, I can start again.

As I heal up, Im allowed to remember memories as a young boy; positive memories that guide who I was , who I am, who I will be!. The ( "who I will be") concept is the scary part. I was cut of from self through trauma at the point of, or the beginning stages of ( "who I will become") This is ages 6 to 9! 10 or 11 or 12. Something. Im attempting to learn how to live from 13 to 30 again! I missed all of it! Its starts with young childhood once more! Looks like it starts from the beginning! and things must be different this time; no more monsters... no more monsters running things...

Anyone close to me within 6 feet makes me anxiety out! I was sitting next to an attractive women today that seems attracted to me! I got scared and flaked. I would like to stop doing this. The only way I know how is practice with other people and other beautiful women! I have to talk to them, shake there hands and site by them until Im not scared anymore. It really sucks. I have lots of PTSD problems that come up when people are to close to me!

I have pure abandonment; The idea of ("pure"), suggests my demise was created by a sociopath or psychopath. The level of wound is " war wound"! War level wounds are pure form wounds. They are pure destroyers of the human condition; they are to exterminate the human being. Adult Hitlers fantasies-come-reality are examples of the word "pure"! or " war wound"! An external force is directed in favor of human extinction! The goal; end of the human species. Children can experience this Genaside disorder when care givers are psychopath/sociopath! In a sense; Family Genocide!

Family Genocide or Society murder; is the systematic destruction of all or part of a racial, ethnic, religious identity of family system (a) Killing members of the family system; (b) Causing serious bodily or mental harm to members of the family system; (c) Deliberately inflicting on the family conditions of life calculated to bring about its physical destruction in whole or in part;(d) Imposing measures intended to prevent births within the family members; or (e) Forcibly transferring children of the family to another group. Genocide entails also the Conspiracy to commit family genocide or society murder; And family Genocide is a community induced problem. It is murder; requiring the whole of the community to agree or accept ideology that some should be murdered that others live as they wish! In Western societies; the village or town turns its back on family. Social survival within the Work place is more important then well being of family systems. Family system can be eradicated!

The human being killed in face of the human pathological robot!

lately I have not been to the gym. Ive been in bed or meetings and nothing else. I have been calling people and talking to them! they are sick of me, because I am getting of them.

I will come up with another plan. I will trust God! this is a big problem.

Others want nothing to do with me because Im intrusive and compulsive and codependent. They liked me at first and trusted me; now they don't. They never asked me why I am the way I am! these people want nothing to do with me, they think Im a creep! I have to agree with their wishes and stay away from them! It hurts; but they are not my property or possessions.

I am acting like others are my possessions; that I wont give to anyone else; Im selfish. Im acting pathological; needy. I am insecure and I freak over anything that looks like abandonment!

My next venture is talking to women until its not a problem! This is going to hurt! I feel like Im hiding a fake person! Im not near what I think I am! Being myself is not good enough! Im very scared Im not good enough! I have problems. Im very shy and introverted and trying to be outgoing and confident. Its crazy!

Im very scared of getting near women! I think this is sexy! They drive me crazy! and I have to get used to them!

I feel that if others knew the real me they would laugh and leave! I am a troubled person with a troubled past. I am not very productive. Not in the shallow social sense. Ive done very well in my recovery process. Im still working on it. Im a work in progress; its progress not perfection.

A core area of hiding! hiding secrets; I have to deal with secrets at some point!

Im still very alone!~ and I have no idea how to solve this. Possibly I have to take this to God! and learn to trust God in this area. Im not sure what this means.

Im not sure I trust God! I do trust God, Im holding God hostage for what has happened to the children in the world. I don't understand how God expects me to love him when I see what little kids go through!

For no fault of there own, they are destroyed day by day until they are no more! and I have to sit back and watch and can do nothing! As a man, I would be in prison if I in-acted revenge of what I see! My man hood has been slammed by the system. I have to take this to God! this has to be cleared out! However, I don't want to loose my conscious. I never want to accept this system! I don't want to!

Im sorrowful. Deep down I am blaming women for my problems in my life. I give them to much power. I assume this has something to do with my mother and father! I was blocked by my mother to have a relationship! I assume Im scared to death other women are going to block me as she did and Im going to feel the pain of it! And this is an area I have not explored. It hurts to talk about it. Im hurting as I write this. Its horrible and anxiety filled!

I seem to be afraid to admit that I want girls or am attracted to women; ( adult girls)! ( girl women)!
Something is wrong; lots of anguish, pain and rage! hate, contempt, sorrow! banishment! Lots of deep hatred... deep deep deep! all about my mother! I would like to work this out! Its a mixture of mother, hate and sex! Its all ###$ up and Its confusing.

Fear to know women! Fear of looking like a fractured innocent in experienced child!

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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