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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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Vile hatred and anger.
   Thu Dec 12, 2019 4:18 pm
more changes ahead.
   Sun Dec 01, 2019 4:49 pm

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Ive got the direction; over whelming work

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Oct 28, 2019 8:48 pm

Ive got the direction and the basics; the fundamentals; but as I wake up; Im starting into this personal information jungle to clear things out; What is a “ personal information jungle? its a place like a jungle of bushes and trees and jungle foliage; thick and dense with streams and basic style south America jungle density; but its ideas and its in my head. And why am I in this jungle. This jungle is the grey matter in my mind. It is the hazy cloudy gripping clay that grabs me and holds me back from my imaginations goals. I get side tracked; I dont know why Im getting side tracked.


it's like fighting a war in this information jungle. Ive got an agenda; I know where Im starting from and I know what the destination is; now; I have to neutralize the opposition; the resistance. The resistance is in the jungle and its the jungle itself; I get rapped up in its green leafing arms and off centered. I loose my balance and my sight and my way; Ive lost my way and ever twirling into the jungle off my original path; a mental hijacking.
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Heres an example; Im learning about how to set goals for the first time. I mean; " Set Goals"; real goals; in the face of opposition. Where is the opposition coming from? Live PTSD going through my brain and my mind all day long; like a vast computer of videos; as soon as a trigger goes off; the video is played; its like living in 2 different realities; one outside; one inside; and they both look similar but they are apposed to each othere; both have buildings and people and sky and cars and money and ........ The list goes on; parallel worlds... 2 different plays going off at the same time; but they pull me into different directions; very stress laden; horrible fear and a sense of unmanageability to deal with both places at the same time; the inner world and the outer world.
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Back to the beginning;
So; First; Im a first grader; let's start they're or before that; kindergarten; as I remember; I was OK at that time; but not. Their were already problems of neglect. I could tell but did not have a name for it; I was already behind other kids; I could tell. I was dissociative; My life was not addressed; I was being thrown away; TV shows made more sense to me then reality. I saw a future in believing I was like the characters of the TV show; it was a place to escape into.

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Because I was in Play School all day for the first years; ages 4-5; I received allot of attention; the kind of attention a kid needs to stay mentally strait up and loved and moving forward.
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So; We will start in play School or what happens after play school as Im developing. Looking at this time period; Im developing but Im behind in play school. Later; in first grade; Im not developing but Im wanting to and dreaming about it; but in reality; nothing. I have to go find other kids to play or develop; no one is finding me. I have to reach out to other kids. What I don't know; I think those kids are nice; but they don't think Im nice; they are wondering why Im hanging around so much and not at my own home. I never question this at the time; when very very young; I reached out to the kids around me and ended up at their houses; some didn't mind; some did; some took advantage of it because it gave the mothers a chance to socialize their sons; they liked me around for this reason; but they did not like me or the family I came from; and the first chance they get to get rid of me; they will take it; for example. After their child is socialized for a few years; Im asked to leave; this is done by treating me like Im a nobody and less then; inferior; they want me out or want me to leave their house and never return. They do not value me at any level; nothing; they only value the God like status they see themselves becoming; it's sickening; has to do with the rich or wealthy. Im not wanted at these places; these peoples houses unless I play a slave like roll where Im inferior and they're superior. When very young; who cares. But as I got older I could feel it more n more. And I noticed that the only reason I was around these people; I had no family; I was a ghost; I had a place to live and a TV set; but nothing else. No humans that cared about me or my identity or development; nothing. And it will get much worse...
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Development;
Let's talk about cars.
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Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs. Without basic food, shelter, water, and safety, love; I could not use my brain…
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Heres the problem; in the present; one of my goals is a car; in order for this to happen; I have to be present when I think about a car; I can't hit this goal with doubts and expect it to survive. Why would I hit it with doubts? because Im working on childhood developmental trauma disorder. In the beginning; dealing with goals; it was more about winning against the past then what I manifest. Now its different. Improved mental health was the goal of manifestation; Now; is more practical; I want to manifest a car to get a car; I've graduated from beginner psych goal setting school; I want what Im dreaming about.
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The goal is to set a gaol; make a decision on the goal; tell the universe to bring me the plans to get the goal; and look for and create the pathways in my head that lead to the goal; I dont have to worry about how Im going to get it; just feel it from all my heart as if Ive already got it. And Thank the universe for it before it gets here. Then; search and watch; feel good inside; and then watch for pathways to open up and imagine taking action down one of these pathways and take some action in the real world relative to what I want. Maybe go try out some of these cars; let the universe know Im serious and then see the money show up. O my; Im getting the procedure more n more.
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What happens when I think about cars; well; I get hit with the past; the time period I was suppose to think about cars; say; 14 or 16 was marred with abuse and stress and many other problems that grounded my development. In that time period; I was being destroyed so; their would be no interest in cars or anything else; in school; nothing; just wanting to be loved; thats all I cared about; However, schooling was destroyed; I could not function in the school system; and I didn't care. And that is a major dissociation from trauma... No way out at the time. And all of this; this time period shows up when presently think about cars; So; the idea is to work through the past and work on the present and future by setting goals I can't yet reach. To reach my car goal; the past must be settled. I must have a mind usable in the present. if my mind Is hijacked by the past its no use to me. Thus; Im working on techniques to become present. As I work on these techniques I continue to work on my goals or desires to manifest. Im slowly letting go of the past and Im slowly grabbing the processes for my future.
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Being pulled on both sides of the stick.
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The past pulls me back, my goals set me into the future. The goal; work to let go of the past and put new focus on the future of what I want. And right now; its working; Im slowly letting go of the past and putting the focus on the future of what I want.
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Im strengthening. Im getting stronger in the present; this process of setting goals and working toward my desires to manifest is bringing my mind to the present and strengthening it. I need much more strength and more presentness. Im working on it.
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I love setting goals because it measures my mental health; how well am I working at obtaining my goals?
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The problem has been; my mind is hazy and wont stay in reality; when I think about a car; I go into 6- to15 year old victim mode and I see being thrown away from my home in 5th grade; " I can't have one of those cars", I tell myself. Im not good enough; Im to lazy or unmotivated, what's the point. Ill never have anything I want in this world;. This brain washing comes up; so I have to deal with the brainwashing first; it clouds my belief that I can get a car. This takes a great deal or amount of time but it must be done in the beginning of my manifestation period in order to get to the other side; thus, concentrating on getting the car.

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Im letting go of this brain washing and coming back to reality. And thats where the work is; telling myself good things and imagining my goals; thats where the work is; its in my head to clear out the negative; go back all the way to play school if I have to; in order to start over from an un corrupted position...
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Its working; As I work on affirmations and new stories about my life and visualize my new life; after several million run throughs; Im starting to change.
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Note;
THe time period of Yo Yo’s. thats when I stopped growing; the time period of hobbies like Yo Yo’s; middle childhood; right after young childhood; thats where I was destroyed and when; and its lights out; now; I have to turn the lights back on. Ill start writing about middle childhood.
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Im looking at Duncan Yo Yo’s; but Im getting hit with fear and stress; Im seeing bullies. So; I have to start earlier then Duncan yo yo’s; Ill have to work on something earlier that leads up to yo yo’s and then work through it and create new stories of my life as a child at that time period; and Im really getting hit with fear of intimidation and control. I have allot to work through surrounding Duncan yo yo’s and before this. Im also getting hit at age 14; when I moved to the coast with a new school and new step father and his older kids; a nightmare I will not survive. .
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Yo Yo’ing
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Middle child hood. brings up horrible fear and pain and treachery; why? Im seeing yo-ing at first; and then the abuse of being thrown away but still living in my house; my father is gone; Im alone with the psychopath; she has already brought in a new drunk into the house. Im in shock and terror that this filth is in my house and a drunk?
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Im not cared about and Im going into a strange state of trauma mind fog from this; PTSD; it's a protective mode because I cannot deal with the outside world of whats crashing down around me. I dislocate and my mind creates what it thought it was suppose to be like in the outside world at that time period ; but in reality the opposite is going on and Im split in 2; one outer person; one inner person and they are not connected. And so it begins; and its the same period I wanted to use yo yo’s and explore more of my home town; maybe get. job at the pet store or hobby store and many more things I wanted to do; and I will write bout what I wanted to do and become. because this time period robbed me of what I was planning on doing with my life at the time; a time that would have build independence. IT was stolen from me.
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My father coming over to our house; He is almost legally divorced; Im home; I open the doors; he goes in and takes his tools from the basement; steals them; doesn't have a problem teaching me how to steal and tells me to be quite on the way out from the front yard so no one can see him; Im being used and exploited. and only a few years before this same person was showing me how to drive a lawn mower in the back yard as if he was a real decent father; I am heartsick and heartbroken and in fear; who is this person; he is not my father; this is a completely different person and Im in a completely different life then I was 2 years before; This is a turning point of shame and self hatred because Im not good enough to be noticed or taken care of by anyone; Ive already been dumped and my future dumped and now Im being used and taught how to steal…. with no regard to my future or character or talents; nothing. Sickening. And this is a major thing to tap on or work on…. So I can come back independent as me again during this time.
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The truth is; no one cares about me or sees me or cares if they ever see me again.
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At 12 years old; Im separated from self concerning a car. Im seeing trees; things I could draw but Im in my old neighborhood; the one I was just yanked out of with no preparation; nothing. So; my 12 year old mind is back in my old original neighborhood as if I had not left…
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New events;
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Im not going to blow up anything; Im not going to blow up myself or drink anymore; So; Have to face my life dry. Why didn't I become a composer; why! I like; I love writing music; but theirs this element of maybe being bullied like I was in the 7th grade and 6th grade and thrown away from the family I was living with…. They were not my family. meaning; I dont claim them. .. its much worse then this…. Still. Why did I not just write music and do something with it; this still plaques me; this people pleasing that maybe if Im a good boy Ill be accepted by my Mom and Dad and family and relatives and Ill be back on C street like I was as a kid. and everything will be grand again; the possibilities being endless. And more then this; something more; its blocked under being thrown away; when I can get over being thrown way and feel like myself again; Ill bring it up.

2. Something happened when I ventured down C street today. As I was leaving the street of my childhood as I usually do; I looked to the right and to the left and suddenly; I looked back to the right again; and I looked down the adjacent street; And that larger area that Leeds to the grade school; with its turn offs; or dividing streets with the center grassy area hooking both areas together; I looked at this and it become part of me gain; part of my childhood again.
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Before this; it was just another part of the city I did not want to look at . It was dead to me. the only thing that has come alive; the epicenter is my house; my childhood house; that is the center and everything emanates from that house; and it moves out onto C street for several blocks around it. And it is that area; the streets around this house; they have the wielding way. The magic; the strong strong magical ness; the pull that pulls me into the light ; for it is a giant vortex for me. And it is a magical vortex. And it is this area I venture to; to remember. But it is only this area; However, today as I looked down the side street that my house lived on; and I could see the old white church at the end of the street; I rode up to it and then looked both ways to turn and suddenly as I looked to the left; the whole distant street was added to C street as part of my childhood.
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Heres the point; As I get better and ask more from the universe; now the epicenter of my dreams is expanding; other streets in my home town are starting to be my home town again. I think the universe has this idea; that new streets will be added and I will feel safe all over my home town including the down town and make this whole area feel safe and loved; and then; within this town I will take more chances as I feel at home in my town. And it will be my town again; and I can see it; The universe is turning this into my childhood home town again as if Im 8 years old; I can feel it…..
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Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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