Ive got real friends if I need them; mentors on both sides of the tracks; and friends at the same level as I am; going through the same changes...
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Doesn't matter if its about
getting my first real girlfriend worth fighting to keep
sexual dysfunctions
intimate dysfunctions
learning how to have something I've never had before; a relationship with a women
asking for help
telling someone my secrets; telling them about my apprehension toward women because of past abuse... Im scared of them; scared of being ripped to pieces as I when I was a child...
scared to tell someone I can't literally stand up to women because if I did; this would be the same results as standing up to an abuser; they have all the power to throw me away; I cant win; I would be thrown away for good... In the end; I was thrown away anyway by the abusers; And they supplied the life line to my very existence when young; so I would do anything and say anything to be on their side and not thrown away; including selling myself out; meaning; my mind personality and later; body... anything; but actually I was scared to death and submitted because I was in a state of dissociated fear.... I was no longer present.... I had no place to hide; no place to run...
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Women sold me to the abusers in a real sense; they were in charge and they murdered my body and my mind... I was just a child.... pure evil.....
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So; Ive never had a girlfriend before. So; today; I have friends; mens groups or homes I go to and we talk over the fire pit in the back yard.... We talk about arrested development and years of purposely finding women we did not care about and getting phone numbers for no really purpose or meaning... For their was no relationships with women who we did not like after calling their numbers and playing the game; but they were good looking; trophy; just like bagging a Rhino in the African wild pure emptiness. However, I was not a sadist. I was just empty; and had no clue what was wrong; a hardened heart... later my heart had to bleed from the inside out; be squeezed of its poison and thus Jesus Christ could center in on me and break that heart and put an error through me to the ground below and make me cry for the love shown to someone else...
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Ive never gone after a girl before; only once but I destroyed that.
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Ive never gone after anyone; I pulled back; got hardened and never left my layer.
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Ive had women come to me; but it was always empty; because those were not the women the child in me really liked....
The goal is a best friend heart; her heart best-friend heart toward me; my heart; best-friend heart toward her connected by the universe and the universe connected to its heart and both our hearts; that's what Im looking for.
Things are changing; Im slowly coming up to speed; never done it before with only friends and God and myself and some 12 step groups... No past; no past family; nothing... all on my own and it's working...
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However, I do have the limited support of brothers... I never thought I would allow them back into my life; but Im not God and God has seen other plans....
At some point Ill be up and running and present again. Im already up to speed almost. I still have to face that very harder gap between where Im at and truly being in front of the train and heading down my own tracks.
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I have social uncomfortableness to face...
Im needing to be out of the recovery process for awhile; just me and society and learn to imagine what I want and feel it and let it appear in front of me. Find the best places to be and be their.... And meet who I am suppose to meet....
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I'm on zoom recovery meetings in the morning and 1 real in person meeting a week for recovery.
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Its not just women; its activities and talents and calling and hobbies... and becoming social and liking myself....
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So; Ive got friends and a new life brooding....
I don't feel so good about myself... I have no experiences that would make me feel good about myself beyond about 5th or 4th grade. Lots of experiences I need to experience with positive results.
Im like a lot of men; we talk big doomsday talk because we are listening to our imaginations; when in reality; those who have actually experienced real life know its half positive... or 100% positive or 100% negative; its up to me to find out what side I want to learn toward.