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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1036
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1145)
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- January 2021
The social; or new social begins
   Fri Jan 22, 2021 11:41 pm
I cant be friends with women
   Fri Jan 22, 2021 9:51 am
friendships... Is that what women wanted?
   Fri Jan 22, 2021 1:30 am
Problems with women I guess? My problems ?
   Thu Jan 21, 2021 10:44 pm
Stuff about sex; and not allowing sex
   Thu Jan 21, 2021 8:48 pm
Connecting the 2 halves
   Thu Jan 21, 2021 6:00 am
Now Im starting to get it
   Thu Jan 21, 2021 3:35 am
I could not compete because of my avoidant behavior
   Tue Jan 19, 2021 4:48 am
keep working at it
   Mon Jan 18, 2021 4:17 am
Wake up! Trying to become present
   Sun Jan 17, 2021 7:48 am
Planning life as an AVPD
   Sat Jan 16, 2021 7:24 am
Another break through
   Fri Jan 15, 2021 4:51 am
bulling and apologizing
   Thu Jan 14, 2021 9:17 pm
My work; to get up close in my imagination
   Thu Jan 14, 2021 7:17 am
Get right with God; God is saying
   Thu Jan 14, 2021 1:02 am
The message about the sociopath
   Sat Jan 09, 2021 2:24 pm
Moving forward
   Sat Jan 09, 2021 4:53 am
Beginning to move forward
   Fri Jan 08, 2021 5:11 pm
Im alone again; things are changing.
   Thu Jan 07, 2021 10:17 am

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Ive got my work cut out for me

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat Feb 23, 2019 5:31 am

I want a women; someone with a masters degree in physics or something; astronomy; someone that wants to go out and look at the stars at night through a telescope; go to a star party; or the equivalent of what I'm suggesting; maybe; someone that is rich and has the time for such things. And all of that is OKe.
.
I'm not stupid to the point that I'm in a dream world about what could be and what is. I'm looking for someone that fits the internal interest of my desires. Actually, I'm not looking yet. I will get what could be. I won't settle for less, and that is the kind of mindset I must have to achieve my dreams; I'm slowly breaking down walls to achieve this mindset; the problem; its to slow for me; the progress. I want my mind out of the bottom of the loathed barrel of my past. I don't want to remember the past; meaning the lazy attitude of focusing on it; I want to work through it and move on; move on to something better. I've been unmotivated to not focus on the past. I've had no hope of creating a new life for myself; I've been a drifter.
.
I'm not looking yet; I'm wanting; a much different scenario. I will be looking in the near future when I overcome what happened to me as a child.
.
I have to overcome what happened to me as a child and get started again; I can feel the specific pains of hatred when I bring this up. I can feel the recovery involved, and I can feel the pain of those areas not healed yet; feels like sandpaper against gasoline lit on fire.

.

I get stopped with disbelief
.
The abusers of my past did not give me permission to move forward. I'm still trapped by them, but at a less degree; I'm stronger then I used to be; all of that goal setting is paying off.
.
I'm still trapped in the old story and ritual because I want to be; I like that I hate; It gives me power. it gives me a pleasure against the machine; everything and everyone; its a way of creating a was -scapegoat. Im for the world; Im against the world; Im really for no one except myself; a kind of addict state of homelessness; that's what it feels like; the typical drifter living in the park.


The problem is; I'm awake enough to see how this is damaging me. My growth to regain and start a new life; fight on, s being corrupted by my laziness. I see this ever rediculous sunny day in my mind; much like the stoner things they can smoke dope and live forever in their grandmother's garage.
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It will take time to break through. Its of the most serious importance; its not about working through a movie script; its concernings working through a dead life and moving on from it; a gruesome tail of an innocent child with a bright future who loved his little life; then snuffed out and destroyed; killed of; murdered.
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Now; Im trying to resurrect him. and move on down energy waterway.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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