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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (919)
Archives
- June 2019
Trying to write a blog; keeps getting knocked off
   Tue Jun 25, 2019 5:35 pm
Lonely and still here
   Tue Jun 25, 2019 11:32 am
going to meetings; Yuk
   Tue Jun 25, 2019 3:55 am
social is coming back; but its slow and about thinking
   Tue Jun 25, 2019 2:00 am
intimacy 3
   Mon Jun 24, 2019 11:26 am
1966 and 50 years later; or 50 years to late?
   Mon Jun 24, 2019 4:29 am
Coping with what has happened to me in this life
   Mon Jun 24, 2019 1:43 am
Visualizations
   Sat Jun 22, 2019 9:27 pm
Talents and development
   Sat Jun 22, 2019 12:39 pm
Money and women
   Sat Jun 22, 2019 12:19 pm
women and shame
   Fri Jun 21, 2019 5:53 am
Music creating; blocked
   Fri Jun 21, 2019 1:46 am
Im getting very close
   Fri Jun 21, 2019 1:25 am
Its hard when you were never loved.
   Thu Jun 20, 2019 5:29 pm
Things are changing
   Thu Jun 20, 2019 6:08 am
Cant finish anything I start; cant get started
   Thu Jun 20, 2019 3:36 am
Social isolation; social uphill climb
   Thu Jun 20, 2019 2:25 am
Feeling better inside
   Wed Jun 19, 2019 11:28 pm
Money
   Wed Jun 19, 2019 11:38 am
An interest in the arts
   Tue Jun 18, 2019 9:39 am
Social
   Mon Jun 17, 2019 10:32 pm
intimacy 2
   Mon Jun 17, 2019 4:02 pm
intimacy
   Mon Jun 17, 2019 10:51 am
Identity overwhelmed
   Sun Jun 16, 2019 10:22 am
re changing the present
   Wed Jun 12, 2019 3:45 pm
Working out of it; the struggle continues
   Tue Jun 11, 2019 4:14 pm
A new segment of life
   Tue Jun 11, 2019 1:07 am
dealing with life from zero to 18
   Mon Jun 10, 2019 8:13 pm
Connecting to things in the real world
   Mon Jun 10, 2019 11:53 am
Things are changing
   Mon Jun 10, 2019 4:43 am
I have to believe more
   Sat Jun 08, 2019 10:24 pm
liking myself and dating
   Thu Jun 06, 2019 8:46 pm
Dissociation
   Thu Jun 06, 2019 4:58 pm
Love
   Tue Jun 04, 2019 11:05 pm
Purpose
   Tue Jun 04, 2019 7:27 pm
Happiness
   Tue Jun 04, 2019 11:04 am
bulling and meditation and connection and...
   Sun Jun 02, 2019 8:03 pm
Bulling and meditation and connection and...
   Sun Jun 02, 2019 5:57 am
Childhood reconnection;
   Sat Jun 01, 2019 4:26 pm

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Ive got my work cut out for me

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat Feb 23, 2019 5:31 am

I want a women; someone with a masters degree in physics or something; astronomy; someone that wants to go out and look at the stars at night through a telescope; go to a star party; or the equivalent of what I'm suggesting; maybe; someone that is rich and has the time for such things. And all of that is OKe.
.
I'm not stupid to the point that I'm in a dream world about what could be and what is. I'm looking for someone that fits the internal interest of my desires. Actually, I'm not looking yet. I will get what could be. I won't settle for less, and that is the kind of mindset I must have to achieve my dreams; I'm slowly breaking down walls to achieve this mindset; the problem; its to slow for me; the progress. I want my mind out of the bottom of the loathed barrel of my past. I don't want to remember the past; meaning the lazy attitude of focusing on it; I want to work through it and move on; move on to something better. I've been unmotivated to not focus on the past. I've had no hope of creating a new life for myself; I've been a drifter.
.
I'm not looking yet; I'm wanting; a much different scenario. I will be looking in the near future when I overcome what happened to me as a child.
.
I have to overcome what happened to me as a child and get started again; I can feel the specific pains of hatred when I bring this up. I can feel the recovery involved, and I can feel the pain of those areas not healed yet; feels like sandpaper against gasoline lit on fire.

.

I get stopped with disbelief
.
The abusers of my past did not give me permission to move forward. I'm still trapped by them, but at a less degree; I'm stronger then I used to be; all of that goal setting is paying off.
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I'm still trapped in the old story and ritual because I want to be; I like that I hate; It gives me power. it gives me a pleasure against the machine; everything and everyone; its a way of creating a was -scapegoat. Im for the world; Im against the world; Im really for no one except myself; a kind of addict state of homelessness; that's what it feels like; the typical drifter living in the park.


The problem is; I'm awake enough to see how this is damaging me. My growth to regain and start a new life; fight on, s being corrupted by my laziness. I see this ever rediculous sunny day in my mind; much like the stoner things they can smoke dope and live forever in their grandmother's garage.
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It will take time to break through. Its of the most serious importance; its not about working through a movie script; its concernings working through a dead life and moving on from it; a gruesome tail of an innocent child with a bright future who loved his little life; then snuffed out and destroyed; killed of; murdered.
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Now; Im trying to resurrect him. and move on down energy waterway.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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