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OMNICELL
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Consumer 6
 
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- September 2019
One off the more nasty brutal parts of healing
   Fri Sep 13, 2019 4:52 pm
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   Thu Sep 12, 2019 6:22 am
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   Tue Sep 03, 2019 4:33 am

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Its starting

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat Apr 26, 2014 6:04 pm

Social interaction;

Im starting to interact with the girls. Im still lonely! I don't have family! Im a solo act. I never wanted to be a solo act. The people around me are betrayers... I can sound off on them or with them; There hearts are with no one!

I must trust God to come back to life.

Not everyone is a betrayer; the better I get, the more normal everyone seems! they are not all out to get me!

I have found as my condition gets better; Its a permanent disorder! it wont go away! Ive gotten better, but when I try to emote intimately, there are problems! Many problems.. Its like being half skizo! The closer you get to opening me up, the more the condition appears.

Im starting to relive my teenage years; how unfortunate. Im reliving the repressed horror and anger and hopelessness and fear; the God awful fear! The terror...

And the people Im around still try to terrorize me as they are satan actually believing that they are fooling me! I let them; I need people to talk to, I need an audience. I believe God is teaching me how to find others I can use as an audience for my stories. Other friends! new friends...

I was so alone and heart broken for so many years. Truly alone. I was set that way by sociopaths.. I was never rescued. I was lost then thrown away for good from that family system. That is not what I expected. That was the last thing I expected.. I had not preparation for this! I had no idea!

Now I am attempting to come back to ground zero. All my memories have been hidden! hidden of that time. I need them to come back! but it is not safe! I am afraid. Very afraid! I am afraid of the monsters! They will get me!
-------------------------------------------

Im starting to play the piano again, I suppose this is a good thing! Im sensitive to the arts... Its been a brutal ride! I feel like I was thrown away!

I talked with a women today for about an hour next to the piano! She has her mental problems.. She's kind a cute!

I found my disorder alive and well, when attempting to interact with others. Im much better then I used to be unless you try to get close to me and ask me to make sense of my thoughts!

Nothing has changes. I still have the disorders!

Im hoping to get better!

=====================================

Problems with women;

The plain Jane; She is more down to earth and easier for her to approach me!

The beauty queen; she is more reserved but still attacks me like any other girl if she is interested. She has alpha males around her! and you must be a strong man to over come fear to get to know her! I don't think she is much different then other girls; possibly a bit more shy and sensitive! You might need to be a bit stronger to get through her tests; she wants to know you are for real and you are not playing her because she is beautiful.

I can go either way!

Ive found this one women that was way over weight to be prime girlfriend material! She melted me! I was way attracted to her! really attracted to her! It turns me on just saying it! Im not sure in the future if her weight would bother me! I should I guess. Im not sure...

Im either attracted to someone or Im not!

The beauty Queen thing is fun; you get to walk around and show her off to other guys. Its gives you status!

They can be a bitch and deceptive! Beautiful women have other guys interested in them! so you must get on it or you will find yourself out of luck; The next day she will be walking with a new guy and you will be bent out of shape over it! You will want to kill!

And these women can treat you like status objects, or treat men like objects. ITs sicking and no fun.

Its no fun being treated like an object for a man or a women! Its not possible to have a relationships with these type of people unless you are a sociopath yourself!

Practice makes perfect;  Im practicing in earth school!

My goal is to keep listening to dating tapes and CDs and YOUtube and stuff. I have plenty of stuff on approach and conversation openers and stuff; push pull, to create tension and comedy!

Plenty to work on!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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