How does one deal with those bullies; this is no game. Now; as I practice techniques to bring me back as a full person; Im feeling the horror of all this.
The bullies strip'd me of everything...down to the flooring... I mean; I was strip'd of all my rights as if I had not worked for them for years when young... They were all taken away within an instant. So; now im going through the reality work to regain my self respect and start over. its horrible. This is why most people dont do this work. Its just horrible to see someone else take my rights in a free country like this and get away with this as if Im not a citizen of my country. unbelievable. of course I buried all of it. what else was I suppose to do.
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So; now; Im learning how to regain my sense of space and freedom and self again; rehabilitation for my rights... Its like criminals can just take over and do what they want and leave in our country based on freedom...
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So; no one else with me from the past; all gone; those people ditched me or left or were never friends in the first place; nothing; left me to die. They were never my friends; any of them.
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So; Im dealing directly with bulling and its affects because I was completely alone and the bullied took all my rights and seemed to destroyed me from the ground up completely; as if I had never lived; it erased who I was; who I am completely; I was completely erased. And I have to start out at ground level all over again to rebuild my life; this time figuring out how to be safe without any of the childhood safety stuff in tact. This; Ill take to God. Im working with God on the next steps of safety and development that I need to do to feel and be safe outside in the real world. I got cut down completely from whence a child and went into freeze mode. this happened from the psychopaths on campuses;; school systems that allowed bullies and dont care... incredible.
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So; what is next. I have to start over and allow this cruel process to begin again; the humiliation of looking at all of this. Im re learning how to be part of society again; neighborhoods again; people again but without ever coming from any of them successfully.
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I feel vulnerable.
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I have to work with God on the next social steps to get better. ITs alll about social.
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I worked with God on many fronts. One of those was to become social again and thats whats happening; what Im getting set up for. Im now learning the beginning processes of exercises to become social again. its happening; God is taking over where I had a family when young. I just want to feel safe outside...
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I want to feel safe period and able to be friendly and lovable around people again; and its happening and will happen and can happen and its happening; many things are happening but the first thing that has to be dealt with is bulling; how to protect myself.
taking boxing lessons never appealed to me. I mean; if I have to; fair enough; I dont like it but...
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But no boxing now. The point is; I have to feel taken care of and safe.... So; how do I do that. Ill have to work with God on that... thats a start... I have other exercises im working on.
The point is; I need more of it and of them... to a point I feel safe outside. The point is Im out here alone... its not like when I was a kid. But it is. but it isn't.. So; Ill have to work with the universe.
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So its hurting but ive hit my very first process of rehab socially from bulling; its as if Im loving in my home when I was young and learning new skills to feel safe outside. Im completely home yet; at home centered in my imagination with my original identity; This is the child in me allowing me in... Before this God did not allow anyone in their; it was nothing but a bright light against anyone attracting trying to get in; basically I see bullies faces peering in...
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Ill keep working at it. At some point; its about meeting new people and selling myself socially.
The other area want to discuss is mathematics..
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Im an intelligent person but trauma has destroyed everything; Mathematics was suppose to be part of my instruction when younger; many things were; it was not; I was 2 sensitive and traumatized and alone. In my own dream world. I never got started in anything real within school system. It was more about getting love then anything else... when I was a child...
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So; now; mathematics appears to be possible at some point;. I dont know... its more about the growth I have; once more mature or feeling more safe in life and my environment; we will see.
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should be interesting to see what new exercises God brings me to practice social building
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Art; stuck again; not sure what God wants me to do with this; next move... Ill pray about it...
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Music; well; Ive got a guitar instructor. so... I write songs... its a start to a starting place.
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Women and relationships; Dissociative disorder destroyed that. Ill pray about that...
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I had an incident when I was young; A women locked me in a room and started making out with me.. I remember being scared of her. I was scared of her because I didnt feel like a man because my life was backward and in the wrong place and wrong application and not straitened out. I felt shame and humiliation. I felt like I didnt want to face her or anyone else because hated my life and didnt know what to do about it. I just didnt know what to do about the horrible life I had or how to fix it or where to start.
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Today; when it comes to women; I dont want to feel like that anymore. I want my life straitened out ; when a women wants to make out with me; I want to feel good about myself; not worthless. I hated that. I felt like I didnt want anyone to know I was just passing through life; I didnt want to be part of anything or hooked up to anything; but I did secretly. I just didnt feel good enough; I was scared. I had no one; and no life. nothing. and didt want anyone to know.
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Today; Some of it is getting straitened out... I have a long way to face. because Ill be reliving development time periods I had in my house as a kid; Ill remember that house and being a child; but I wont be able to go back their. And that is going to cause allot of trauma. Ill not be able to go back to my street. I mean; I can. I can literally go back to my street. But ill have to grow internally back to the person I wanted to be when young to be the person who walks the sidewalks on that street. And that will happen; but it means Ill be facing some scary stuff first; and I can feel it right now.
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I have started tho. Im looking forward to the next round of development... This development is about feeling secure and with a secure identity developed...
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The problem with women is; Im not myself. This will take allot of work for me to become secure and it may not happen in this life time; Ill be working toward it and thats fine; Ill make strides but I will never be who women have shown me I have to be to have a relationship with them. Im never good enough or even in the ball park for those people; its so sickening; I just stay out of it.
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My biggest concern with women is a lack of trust.. I dont trust them; they spend to much time with other men and I dont want someone who has interests me in and other men at the same time.. I dont want to deal with it. I just dont... So; the right women who does not do this is what im looking for; but then; Ill have to be at that level of quality. So; I have along way to catch up.... I have a start. So; we will see where God leads me.
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I want to say; ive spend a quarter of a century in 12 step groups. This was my mental illness stage. And with out it; I would have been dead; God prolonged my life so I could be at the stage Im at now... Now; is a time of sunshine and growth... its just starting; Im just starting over again and moving forward in my imagination.