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Consumer 6
Consumer 6
Posts: 1036
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1138)
- January 2021
I could not compete because of my avoidant behavior
   Tue Jan 19, 2021 4:48 am
keep working at it
   Mon Jan 18, 2021 4:17 am
Wake up! Trying to become present
   Sun Jan 17, 2021 7:48 am
Planning life as an AVPD
   Sat Jan 16, 2021 7:24 am
Another break through
   Fri Jan 15, 2021 4:51 am
bulling and apologizing
   Thu Jan 14, 2021 9:17 pm
My work; to get up close in my imagination
   Thu Jan 14, 2021 7:17 am
Get right with God; God is saying
   Thu Jan 14, 2021 1:02 am
The message about the sociopath
   Sat Jan 09, 2021 2:24 pm
Moving forward
   Sat Jan 09, 2021 4:53 am
Beginning to move forward
   Fri Jan 08, 2021 5:11 pm
Im alone again; things are changing.
   Thu Jan 07, 2021 10:17 am

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Its beginning to become clear to me

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Nov 26, 2019 4:24 pm

My mind is not cleared; I don't think Ive dealt with the major problem; that problem being the last attack by the psychopaths. I was 16 years old.
I loved a girl who lived up the street; she was my conquest; my goal. Just her and me; I created it all by my self. I was 14 years old.
Back story;
I had asked God for someone to love when I was 12. I was being abused and destroyed at a new location by new strangers; strangers to me; I did not know what these people were; I then learned. Horrible; hideous.
I had no love from anywhere; I was being destroyed.
I asked God with all my heart to love someone.
At the age of 14; I moved to a new city with a new family system; It was my only choice to get away from the bulling I was receiving at the school I was at. And to get away from being molested and chased like a girl in the house I was at...
At the age of 14; my brother met a boy; a friend of his; about 16 years old. I was invited up to meet him; he had a little sister; she was my age; and within a week; I knew she was my soulmate for life. I knew it; and she knew it.
The people I was living with; one was a psychopath; At some point out of desperation and loneliness and lack of development; I made the mistake while driving away from the house; she was driving; to tell her about the girl up the street. I was destroyed; and I had all kinds of massive abuse thrown at me from a sub human level; and this triggered the long line of attacks sense 3 1/2 years old. So; their was no hope for me... Im still effected by it to this day; It caused a kind of sickness being that close to a psychopath with their mask completely down; not the first time. and I made the mistake of opening up with no defenses; I needed anyone to listen; I had no adult mother or father love to develop with; I was desperate for anything that resembled or looked like the portion of a mother or father; any body; anything. The psychopath saw this opening and aggressively slammed in and destroyed anything of the inside of me they could from a sub human level attack of hatred; like an alligator; this caused a sickness in me and and a mental break down. from that point on; I was mentally crippled and I wanted to leave and never come back. I stopped thinking about the girl or any future in that area and wanted to immediately leave and never come back; I wanted out of that house immediately, and to leave; and I did; I left the area. I would have married that girl; she was my future; a future God gave me and I created.... and the girl would have been loved for the rest of her life with someone that genuinely loved her.
Now; I have to grieve this; and let it go and move on and allow God to bring me another...
As for the girl; I loved her. I created that love; I went after her; I went after what I wanted and would have had her but I was interrupted. I created my future and my own dream and I Gave myself to her and she wanted me.
Here I am now;
So; what is the goal; the goal is to clean out that pipe line; that pathway where the psychopath attacked me; learn to push past psychopaths or anyone else; continue on to my objective down my pipe line. Push through it with courage; fighting and facing the dragon; pushing it and slamming it off the cliff and going past it; beyond it; pushing it out of the way.
The psychopath had a kind of dissociating crippling effect upon my nervous system and I become dysfunctional and could not follow my dreams anymore; I could not do anything anymore. I could not trust anymore; I felt nothing was safe or sacred; nothing.
So; the goal is simple; some how; work beyond what the psychopath did; " get over it"; if you will! and move forward... head forth toward my objective. In this case; the concept of " objective" was ruined because its diseased at the roots with the coloring of the psychopath; no matter what future event Im trying to conquer; it never feels like it's mine.... its always shared with the memories of the abusers that used, groomed and destroyed me.

I need the ability to have what I want brought to me and feel that independence and freedom down my own path; I need to feel safe; safe in safe spaces; then; go after it; what God brings me; between me and God and my objective; and their it is; the restoration of my pipe line. Easy? I should say not.
I don't know what to expect accept I have to get back my line of defense and the ability to dream for myself and go after my dreams and not let what happened to me stop me; can't say it any better. I am crippled by it; and I have to write more about what happened and get out the poison and then move forward; its not easy; what they did to me; my condition is strange and perplexing and not so easily understood. but I know what it feels like to succeed; and I must get back to that place and face what I have to face at the end of my pipe line; going after what's mine.
So; I have new goals in my life with new people and places and things and I have to shake off the sexual abuse and psychopathic attacks and the bulling and schools who hated me and tried to keep me down and ignore me and hack me and all other kinds of humiliating depravity and keep going until I can learn to see again and not have my inner eye site detoured by CPTSD and flashbacks and critical voices telling me Im no good. It all must be overcome; for it is all brainwashing nonsense.

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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