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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1025)
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- November 2019
Social skills improving
   Thu Nov 07, 2019 12:51 am
My goal is to work through adolescence.
   Fri Nov 01, 2019 9:16 pm

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It will take a few months and some grieving

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Nov 26, 2017 2:45 am

I read a post on one of my LOA spiritual websites, " You have to become your now Hero"; everyone else is to busy saving themselves!" And thats OK; thats what Im learning how to do!
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Ive been working hard learning how to jump past PTSD into the present and bi pass side thoughts in processed! Beyond the pain of the past are random thought problems that plaque and clutter my mind! My mind is filled with these thoughts of random past events! Im attempting to clean this up and be present! Processing the past is the biggest issue! Exposing the past is the biggest issue!
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Im learning today; everyday is my favorite day! Thats a new motto Im working on" What makes me feel good"; this is another affirmation! I have many affirmations Im working with these days to change how I feel about everything! its all a thought game! The past had me in grips; not now; Im getting better! I know its all thoughts that never got processed!
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I had a whole childhood from ages 0-10; never processed! I got processing within that time on some things; However, many of my young dreams I had to hold within, never tell anyone! in fact, most of my goals; I never told anyone; I was a complete stranger to everyone; no one knew anything about me! So, when I was destroyed when young, it was all erased, no one cared or knew!
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My whole life was erased as if it had never been! Now, as I wake up, it has to be processed, all of it! and some of it is being process! However, the processing process has been damaged; thats a problem! Im slowly waking up that part of self! My mind is extremely damaged! I never saw it coming! I was being neglected out of existence and I never knew the real damage it was causing at the time! I thought my quietness and aloneness was normal; in reality, I had no choice! I was being thrown away!
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I have goals today to work on and a positive mind set Im seriously working on! I have found that being positive and having goals is much better for me then any other way to live; Now; I have to learn and practice positive thinking concepts! I keep writing out my goals as if Ive already got them and Im learning to work toward my goals regardless of the negative thoughts of doubt that bombard me! Its hard; Im doing it!
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Im in the middle of a big big shift! Im shifting out of having my mental condition run my life! Im heading into a new direction! Im heading into a opened up life style of more choices and freedom! This requires no past interference! I have a future, Im working on the desires and goals! I have source energy!
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The recovery process is not enough for a normal life, but its a middle ground place to work things out.
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I still dont have any real social life. I have to work on manifesting this as a goal! I have to decide what I want! What am I really wanting or looking for; or who! I will have to start writing about who i want around me! I know one thing; I want them understanding who their dealing with! Im not interested in stuck up people playing nice person around me for a few months then turning on me! Im a decent nice person; I dont need to be around anymore creeps! Im sick of it! I deserve allot more then that! And its up to me working with God these days to supply the right people to associate with or the right attitude; I'm just starting in this next level of my human experience; we shall see!
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Ive always been anti social! I was a person that would have done well with allot of money, a good career and a wife! I can still do oK! but the outside world has been a mismatch from the beginning! Ive never been treated with the right level of respect! ever! Hopefully that can change!

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Im feeling the resistance! Im attempting to think and feel the way I did when I was a kid without the time period or the people involved; meaning, the childhood to go with it! and it hurts because I'm alone! Its hard! when I start to attempt to feel innocent; Im alone, and I have to remember what happened to me! but I have to go through this if Im ever going to do anything with my life that I like!
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ITs going to take work to become who I want to become! Where in this crazy world Im going to fit in; I dont know! I really dont trust anything! I have to keep working with God on this!
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I still have problems with the past! what happened! My first! She is a perfect example of what went wrong over n over n over in my childhood! I met this girl, she lived up the street, I chased her around, We connected! I did not follow through with a pass; I chickened out! She did not know what to do! She felt rejected! I would attempt to be around her again and again; but I would never follow through! In the end she wrote me off, her and her mother; as a fool! or a weakling! and yet, I n ever wrote her off! She wrote me off knowing I liked her; but my feelings for her had no value if I didnt follow through! and I understand this! I do; However, later, she wrote me off as if she had never known me or liked me! wrote me off completely! I meant nothing to her; thats what she told someone! And I thought! Why would I like someone like this! why would I like someone that thinks like this! She was 2 faced! I couldn't respond to her; this doesn't mean I didnt love her or like her! I still loved her! I could not respond to her! I did not write her off! She wrote me off! I didnt write her off! my feelings didnt switch gears! I did; but my feelings didnt! Her feelings seem to have switched; or, she would allow me around me because I liked her and she got attention from someone that really liked her! and I did! I got her trust! But she could care less either way?! I learned one thing; I believed in her and wanted her around me and she responded to that fact! but the minute I could not follow through, she (pause); gulp! Im starting to remember; She waited a 1 1/2 years for me! Now I remember!
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Im half pathological! What do I really want from a women; I want someone I want! I want to meet someone and really want them!
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Im at the point that I didnt want anything to do with white women! I do fine with Mexican women!
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I cant deal with this culture anymore; my culture; I cant deal with it! its so false or shallow; or shallow to the point of incomprehensible demoralization!
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I have no friends! I can work with the laws of the universe hopefully meet the right people! I dont know what to think! I will fit in with the universe and work with the universe! the general public; nothing works for me! We will see!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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