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Is hard but its saving my life

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Oct 02, 2017 10:01 am

Im beginning to awaken to the truth! When young, I felt that I was pulled out of my home; ripped out of my home; this is because when young; I was fooled into believing I had a home! I had my own thoughts about my young childhood! I thought I had a loving mother and father and brothers! I was like anyone else! I was not! I was around 2 psychopaths and 2 brothers that were complete strangers that cared nothing for me; nor knew me or wanted to know me or cared if I was born! They had their own troubles and were being slowly destroyed from the beginning! In the end, one brother would be a complete sadistic sociopath, the other a degenerate; he is something in between; half undeveloped socially dysfuntional or marginal and pathological; not a sociopath but not really human! He is someone destroyed by trauma but does not seem to know! he is undeveloped as a person and does not seem to know anything is wrong! his identity is not his own! Neither of these people are friends of mine!
One horrible aspect of abuse; when you feel or think you had a life and someone took the remainder of your good life away from you! In reality, no one took anything good from me; I never had anything good! it was all denial and fantasy!

For example; I felt I had a few normal or good years when very young; In reality, I did not! and in this fantasy, if I had been left alone, I would have survived to have a normal life! This is incorrect; this is the view of a 5 year old in a fantasy bond! In reality, and what is saving me, I was being exploited and fooled from the beginning by these socio path psychopaths! Their never was a day that was good; non of it, unless I was far away from this evil, from these monsters, these animals! It was stressful. ITs funny how children are and sad; they look up to the people in their homes when in reality, those people might be monsters; but the children are 2 young to understand these concepts!
Never safe from the beginning! Now I realize, it was like being born in a prison, and I got the safe room in the back to live in! but Im still in the prison; I dont know any better, so I dont realize what Im living in is an unsafe prison with unsafe people! I know their unsafe, I dont know what it means!

And slowly from the beginning, things are going wrong and going wrong and going wrong! In fact, looking back, the whole experience is a contrived lie by the perpetrators involved! Im dragged through a game through all of my childhood, not just some of it! Im being ripped to pieces silently and destroyed! ripped to pierced psychologically and emotionally dismantled through silence and neglect and other things; later more real physical abuse! and I went through abuses between 0 to 5.
I thought the contrast of when I was safe to when I was not safe was an indication of loss! I lost my childhood! I went from hope and safety to failure and unsafely, where I was thrown away to any and ever bully out their and to being raped and abused by those I later had to live with! In reality, I was never safe a day or moment in my life! This is the denial I was hiding from! The fact is; I was showing signs of being sexually abused! I was showing signs when in first grade and before! I was always being neglected and thrown away and abused! As I got older I began to wake up from the child level fantasy bond! and waking up, I woke up into adults talking about abandoning me openly! I was 7 years old! So, I was waking up into the stress of having nothing and no one; and things would get progressively worse! What others call a father, this person would abandon me when I was 9. In reality, he was never with me in the first place; it was my fantasy bond that pieced the few moments that appeared normal; I pieced them together trying to re created what I saw in childhood movies on television; I pieced this together to create a fantasy father and a fantasy life! In reality, this person was rarely around! I was then left with a psychopathic mother; and I do not remember to much of her when a child! meaning, I was purposely ignored the whole time! In fact, alarmingly so; I do not remember her at all; what I do remember, she was someone to stay away from!
I was created to please my fathers interests, not my mothers! in the end, their is no father, just a sociopathic potential serial rapist predator! he did not touch me or children! it was young women he would stalk; I know; I watch him; I had to live with him for a little while when they divorced! I watched how he stalked young women from the local college; it made me sick, I was in shock and stunned! and I saw how I was being ignored, my future, as if I did not exist! This is because I did not exist to these murder/s. I was being used!
The point is; whats saving me is; I lost nothing; my childhood was no good; non of it, nor safe, non of it! I was in a fantasy bond attempting to make it into something it was not! non of it was any good, nor safe, the best thing that could have happened to me was to have gotten as far away from these people and the areas they lived! and never came back or returned! it was all unsafe and fake; the house I lived in on the neighborhood street, it was all fake; the neighborhood was all fake, the town was all fake! everything was fake, the neighbors down the street that are suppose to be my friends; they were actually exploiting me; I thought they were my friends! in reality, they knew I was in trouble from the beginning, they thought nothing of me; they thought they could use me to socialize their son! I was local and a latchkey kid and they knew it! they knew my parents were no good and the family system no good! This gave them a chance to use someone that would help their son stay socialized when very young until he got old enough to make new friends; or should I say, real friends! I meant nothing to these people! And as I got older unto about the 5th grade, suddenly they started changing concerning me! Their attitudes changed around me! They were not so friendly anymore! and my best friend seemed distant! In reality, he was never a best friend! he was nothing! meaning, he was working under his parents against me! he was just using me, they were just using me from the beginning! and they knew this! They were not my friends! they were using me exploiting me! When their son got old enough, I was gone; meaning, of no interest to these people anymore; they had used me for 5 years; and when their son got old enough, I was not needed anymore! I was never a friend to them, their family! they play acted the roll from the beginning!
So, in reality, their never was a childhood! non of it; even the moments that seem precious; this was a lie; this was my childhood fantasy bond trying to keep me safe until I could get older or out of their! This was God trying to keep me in a dissociated state until I could get out of the whole of this situation!
The bulling I went through later, does not seem so bad now; meaning, not so abnormal that I would be bullied as a throw away! I was thrown away from the day I was born, I thought I was thrown away from the ages of 9. When I was very young, I was alone and would roam around and believe I was making my own life! in reality, I was simply neglected and thrown away; I would wonder to other children's homes and hang out their! As I said, I spent much time at one persons house; I was allowed to do this because I was being exploited by them!
As I wake up from dissociate disorder, Ive been in it all my life! The harder more hardcore areas of this will start after age 9 when the childhood house I lived in is ripped out from under me! However, the reality is; I was always in a dissociated state, not just a fantasy bond; I remember; from an early age, I wanted to escape; thats all I wanted! My goal was relief and the friends I thought I had when young; I thought I was escaping successfully, I was not; I was being exploited by these children parents!
Im still trying to escape! The present situation Im in is not good! Im an adult, but its been about recovery from my condition and from the past! The people I associate with right now are not ideal people! its not an ideal condition! I did not pick these people because they were safe; they came with the recovery process! and now as I get better, They are appearing less then appealing!
So, I have to keep waking up and allowing God to slowly reverse my mind back from the experiences of the past and bring me into the present!
When you realize nothing you came from was any good; you start to realize you actually never lost much; and this is saving me! but it almost killed me to be able to wake up to this fact that I never had anything to start with! the present is actually the best Ive ever had!

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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